To feel hurt by MIL's message?

[sausageandsquit]

So I've known the my in laws for a very long time. Generally get on well. I do always feel a bit anxious around them though. I don't know why!

We've had one major disagreement and that has been to do with their dog and DD's arrival. The dog is aggressive with children and both DH and I are not happy with him being anywhere near DD.

This resulted in many many arguments conversations about how over the top we are, he's fine, he'll know that she's part of the family so won't hurt her, etc etc. DH very firmly told MIL to back off and stop going on about the dog because it's never going to happen.

DD is now 1 and today I've received an email with a link to an article about how damaging "helicopter parenting" is before the age of 2. I had to google what it was because I had never heard of it before. But I can't help but feel that it's a dig at me. I'm definitely anxious around them but not because I'm worried about DD, it's just because I'm near them!!!

With the link in the email she said she thinks parenting is hard with all the information available now so I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid or overly emotional (currently heavily pregnant)!

Am I right to feel hurt by this? If not, tell me I'm a dick so that I can give my head a good wobble!!!

[MrsClutterworth]

YOUR child, YOUR rules. If you don't want your child going near a dog who is known to be aggressive then nobody can tell you that you're wrong! its not up to them atall so don't let anyone tell you what to do when it comes to your own baby.

[user1483875094]

Hi OP - really hope that these messages, (and you can see VERY many all in total support of you and your husband) has reassured you a bit?

Do come back and let us all know how you are getting on?? Good luck with it all. xxx

[ScabbyHorse]

I would imagine the reason you feel anxious around your MIL is because she does not respect your attempt to keep your child safe.

[SkaPunkPrincess]

I would completely ignore her. She is trying to poke a reaction so she can act the victim.

FWIW YANBU at all about the dog. My Dad has seven (yes, seven. 🙄) Yorkshire terriers.

They are not good with children and he locks them away whenever my DC are around his property. They would normally have free reign.

My dad is a responsible dog owner. Your MIL is not. Stick to your guns and completely ignore any further discussion about the dog.

[WakeUpMaggie]

I'd ignore it. That will annoy her more than you reacting. If she brings it up you can just say you didn't see it. And if she talks about the article you can say something like, "I suppose helicopter parenting might be a problem for some. I can't think of anyone who does it though, can you?". It will force her to be upfront if she is criticising and you can deal with it then. The trouble with anything PA is its too easy for them to say you took it the wrong way. You have to force them to clarify what they mean which normally results in them back tracking.

[Laserbird16]

Helicopter parents stunt children's growth by never letting them do things for themselves and gain valuable experience. You are not a helicopter parent as you have a clear danger to your child, MIL's dog, and you don't want to expose her to the risk of being mauled. That's just being a good parent. Your daughter's safety will always trump MIL's wish to not experience negative feelings- I don't know what she is thinking here, does she want to prove her dog is safe? We'll she can do that some where else and not use her GC as some sacrifice to her ego.

The passive aggressive email needs stomping on too. I'd be an adult and next time you see her straight out say. 'I would appreciate you not sending any more parenting emails to me. I felt like you were saying I am am over protective Of DD. I will always put DDs safety first. You don't have to agree with me but you do have to respect that. Do you understand?' Insert pleading/whining from MIL here ' that is my decision, please respect it' ...then change the subject.

I think the only head wobbling you need is that you're doubting yourself!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

YADNBU.

I don't have a personal tale about dog damage, but when I was staying in hospital with my 4yo DS after his appendectomy, a child of similar age was brought in with a torn nose and cuts near her eye - dog attack by family dog (not sure if it was her own family or a relative's). She could have lost her eye, to say nothing of the damage to her nose.

There is Just No Need to take any risk and your MIL is an utter fool to even consider putting your baby in harm's way, however small she thinks the risk is.

And yes - I'd be certain that email was a dig, so rising above it is a good thing to do.
But failing that, if she continues, send her stats of "family dog attacks" on small children/babies.

[77leaves]

She's being a total dick or a complete idiot, either way just ignore the email. I love dogs and even I wouldn't trust this dog around a baby. Just keep doing what you're doing. The dog is unpredictable around kids and your baby needs you to protect her.

[Dalamane]

You are being a good mum, trust me, trust your instincts. It's better to be cautious if you're already wary of the dog, and your in-laws should respect your concerns. My friend's dog was always ok around my DD, i was comfortable with DD running freely in the garden because I was there with her - til one day the dog ran after her and bit her thigh - we never went there again. DD was 4 at the time, she's 12 now and has never forgotten it.

[SusieOwl4]

That’s why my dogs are crate trained so I can put them away if young children are around . And they have never been aggressive. , but it not worth the risk .

[Sasstal67]

We have Jack Russells, one of whom can be nervous around strangers or other animals. Every time young relatives visit, the dogs are shut in the kitchen, no matter how much the children want to see them. I'm concerned enough about our cats possibly scratching them when they reach out to 'smooth' their tails as they pass by.

Another relative once brought his so called friendly, happy, large breed dog to visit. My children were desperate to say hello but I wasn't 100% sure, so I said "Perhaps another time, when I know him a bit better" 5 minutes later he attacked me out of the blue, with no reason as I wasn't looking at him, moving or touching him. My husband had to repeatedly punch him in the head before he'd release his grip on my breast, as he was oblivious to his owners attempts to stop the attack. You can imagine the damage. I suffered awful repercussions for a decade, including a cancer scare, an operation and recurring infections. I'm only grateful it was me rather than one if my children. Yes he was a "happy" dog, the damn thing didn't stop wagging it's tail once during the attack.

[Bue]

Are you absolutely sure the email is a dig? I'm assuming it was an article like this one, about the new study: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/jun/18/over-controlled-toddlers-grow-up-unable-to-cope My own mother sent it to me as an "interest" thing- and I could definitely not be described as a helicopter parent! Helicopter parenting really doesn't have anything to do with protecting children from dogs so I'm just wondering if it might actually be innocent? You will know better than me of course.

[Blondebakingmumma]

Janinlondon 😂😂😂😂gold!

[TheMythicalChicken]

My mum is the biggest animal lover I have ever met. She loves her dogs. They sit on the sofa which means that if there are more than 3 humans, the humans have to sit on the floor. The dogs sleep on mum's bed. She feeds them proper food. She always says how much she prefers dogs to humans. If I (her DD) was drowning and one of her dogs was also drowning, she would save the dog.

But...

She also says that she would NEVER trust a dog around a child. They just don't have the reasoning of a human and we must respect that. I get that your MIL loves her dog, but there have been too many cases where dogs have hurt children. It's just not worth the risk.

[Biblio78]

Yanbu. Animals are not humans, but some people do not get that. I have had a dog for a few years, when my 2 yr old nephew visits he is fascinated by her, wants to tug her tail, gets annoyed when she won't eat her food as ordered by him SIL and myself always stay close to them as you can never know what might startle an animal into defensive mode. Even a high pitched squeal or a sudden movement the dog may consider too close. Also when you are little it can be overwhelming to have a friendly dog jumping up at you. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to keep the dog away until the child's older if it's the kind of dog that would rush up to a child.
I think I read the same article as your mil but I got the impression that helicopter parenting referred to the type of parent who does things for the child at a point when they should be exploring the world, like stacking their blocks for them rather than letting them do it themselves. Or holding their cup when the toddler has the grip to hold a cup independently? That was my interpretation of the article.

[BertrandRussell]

I have to say, I have seen considerably more bonkers things from dog people - (I have a dog, but am not a dog person- there is a clear distinction)- you only have to look over there ——> at The DogHouse.

OP - you are so right to stick to your guns about the dog. But you do say you feel separately anxious as well- it may be worth addressing that?

[schmoozypoo]

I have an amazingly chilled dog who loves my kids but I do not and would never trust him. He is never left alone with my 1 year old, he has his own space away from the baby whilst he plays, he is my dog I love him he is a big part of our family, but with boundaries. I totally agree with your feelings OP. Your MIL is the one being unreasonable

[Namechangedforthispost18]

I would never trust a dog around a child, it doesn't matter if the dog has an amazing temperament either, the child could hurt the dog and lose its cool.

Not worth the risks

[marymoosmum]

I am a massive believer that animals are a part of the family etc. but my parents dog (not with us anymore) was very nervous and could be snappy so was always kept out of my daughter's way and even if I had a dog I wouldn't leave them alone, dogs have moods same as people and kids don't always know when they have pushed an adult over the edge until they snap, only it is much worse when a dog does it.

[user1483875094]

email the stupid bitch back, with this!!
www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2563469/Never-EVER-trust-dog-child-As-baby-mauled-death-vet-ALL-dogs-capable-killing.html

And both you and your husband tell her, in NO uncertain terms, that actually, her vicious dog is not a risk you will EVER be prepared to put your baby at. There are "enough" normal and everyday risks that babies and toddlers face, and this BITCH mother in law is being utterly ridiculously selfish, short-sighted, ignorant, cruel and frankly, quite DANGEROUS with her absurd nonsense. Surely they can visit without bringing the vicious old dog with them?? If they can't then they should stay away. Simple as. And I am a dog owner, and ADORE my dog, but know that she has tendencies to snap at small children, so she is ALWAYS shut away, or left at home if any family gathering might even "possibly" involve small children. Stay strong. You are in the right!! Read the attached article, and send it to her. It has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with "helicopter parenting" stupid bitch, she doesn't know what she is talking about. Sad that she values her old vicious dog, above her grand-child, for that is what it is!!! Good luck. xxx

[Jux]

Not to even mention the effect it could have on the dog. Why would you risk your dog doing something which could so easily result in it being pts?

And then there's your own health, 'you' the dog owner, especially if you are getting on a bit, ie a graandparent. It has been shown indisputably that owning pets increases your resistance to illness, aids recovery, helps with depression and all sorts of other stuff which just generally makes your life a bit better. Dogs and cats are taken into old people's homes, hospitals etc to aid recovery, bring a bit of cheer. Cats purr and that extraordinary, and good, effects on people. So why, as a grandparent, would you risk the life of the dog which is keeping you as healthy and happy as you are, and would - if it could - continue to enhance your life as you grow older?

So you're risking the health and happiness of your very young grandchild, their parents, your dog's life, and your own health. Just because you want your dog to play with a baby. It's so stupid

[Tinkobell]

Well done OP. Don't be a people pleaser and risk your DD. Not worth it.

[Jux]

Why do people do this? It's on the News so often - delightful friendly wouldn't hurt a fly dogs attacking, maiming, sometimes killing, children. And yet so many people think it's never going to happen TO THEM. Why on earth do they even want to risk it?

If she persists after you've sent her that video (would you actually send her that video?) ask her why she cares so little about her gd.

[DozyDoates]

YANBU
I am a dog owner and have two children. I know the risks and manage them, as despite my dog being 'lovely' and a 'softie' there is always a chance she could turn.
DH has a plastic surgeon as a client who once told him that the majority of his paediatric patients are a result of incidents with family dogs.

[EllenMP]

I think her message is ambiguous, perhaps intentionally so. Maybe she was saying she understands your caution because of all the pressure heaped on mums. Not sure, so I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she meant well.

Either way, PLEASE stand your ground on the dog. Even if the dog doesn't hurt your DD, it could frighten her badly. Picture being two feet tall and having a huge dog come and put its giant slobbery face on you. My sons were all afraid of dogs until they were nine or ten because they were annually exposed to my sister's yappy handbag dogs. I wasn't worried about the dogs hurting the kids, but the noise and the ankle jumping scared my kids even though they were much bigger than the dogs. There was some friction over whether it was the dogs' (ie my sister's) fault or the kids' (ie mine.) I felt she should train her dogs not to chase and yap at toddlers, and she thought i should train my kids not to, uh, run in the house. Eventually the kids and the dogs worked it out, but I would have stepped in more firmly had the dogs been big enough to knock them over or reach their faces or hands. They were scared though, and your daughter will be too. Keep them apart until she is much bigger.