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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU at the level of child support payments

78 replies

craxmum · 20/06/2018 13:29

Ex is on £120K + bonus. Calculated child maintenance for 2 children (2 and 4) is £198 per week, and he will not participate financially in any other way - this contribution covers only a third of childcare costs, nevermind anything else.
AIBU to think that is ridiculously low?

OP posts:
lifechangesforever · 20/06/2018 15:11

You're doing absolutely nothing wrong @craxmum and it's a good job that you've got such a well paid career - you should be proud of that.

£350 is not a lot spare each month to feed a family and all the other bits and pieces that go along with starting a family.

I definitely think you need to contact CMS again and tell them exactly what the situation is regarding no overnight stays etc. As another poster has mentioned, he's probably fudging the figures to them so he pays less. It's abhorrent, particularly of someone who earns so much.

Can you downsize the house at all, and therefore the mortgage?

Love51 · 20/06/2018 15:16

The early years are ridiculously expensive if you don't get a FEL for your 2 year old. Living in or near London is very expensive. Divorce is expensive. You aren't doing anything 'wrong' as such, you are just in the middle of a perfect storm.
I always think nrps should have to contribute to childcare as well as paying maintenance so the rp's career isn't screwed but currently I don't rule the world
:(
London housing will always be expensive. But the kids will grow older and childcare will get cheaper! Good luck!

LaurieFairyCake · 20/06/2018 15:19

You’ve got £350 spare plus his £800 though?Confused

His contribution covers 2/3rds of the nursery fees?

It’s just about doable but you’re not rolling in it while the ex CLEARLY is.

Love51 · 20/06/2018 15:19

How come you need consent to change schools? I changed my child's school last year, her dad knew and was in full agreement but I'm fairly sure he barely glanced at the paperwork (he did draft the appeal form for dc2 but for the basic transfer it wasn't a 2 person job!)

IHaveBrilloHair · 20/06/2018 15:22

Oh, sorry Sodding, trust me not to read properly.

Original poster
craxmum · 20/06/2018 15:25

The costs do not include the childcare costs for the 4 y.o as he is currently in the after school club in his prep (included in fees). If he is to switch to the state school, there will be an additional amount to pay on top (around £600 per month from what I gather from the local childminder rates).

OP posts:
Spanglyprincess1 · 20/06/2018 15:25

op you said that was the CMS calculation. That means it must be correct , I assume the new baby plus any other resident children with your ex partners new family have been taken into account which impact payments.
If the CMS are saying the figure is correct then there is little else you can do unless you arrange a personal financial arrangement for the kids as part of the divorce. Is he paying into savings for them? Paying for other things like hobbies, uniform, clothes?
Also depends on how the 120k is earned as company cars etc in leiu of salary arnt taken into account as are some other bonuses from memory.
If he makes regular consistent payments of at least the CMS payment then at least you can budget, it's worse if it fluctuates all the time

SoddingUnicorns · 20/06/2018 15:30

@IHaveBrilloHair it’s ok, I was pretty pissed off when I wrote it so can see how you thought I was having a go at women. Pisses me right off when it’s the women who are blamed, because it couldn’t possibly be a man being a dick could it? Ugh.

Original poster
craxmum · 20/06/2018 15:32

I am still waiting for the first payment to be made, so can't say anything about regularity :)
I am not complaining about poverty, I'll manage with his contribution. I was just shocked that there is no legal obligation on the other parent to contribute to "normal" family running costs, such as childcare. It is hardly a luxury. I guess I just was too naive.

OP posts:
Muddlingalongalone · 20/06/2018 15:34

For my circumstances (and everyone's situation is different) I think without childcare costs the CMS minimum is ok but I was in same position OP total monthly amount didn't even cover half the childcare cost let alone housing/feeding/clothing dc.
It gets easier as the funded hours kick in (sadly not 30 hours "free")
Have you given notice to the fee paying school? Otherwise you will be liable for next term unless deposit was 1 terms fees and paid out of pre split income??
Lots of great London state schools call your la and see who has spaces now/get on waiting lists for Sept.

SoddingUnicorns · 20/06/2018 15:34

There should be a legal obligation to contribute fairly, absolutely. Especially with childcare/uniforms/school trips and stuff like that.

Making it illegal to dodge paying maintenance would be a good idea too! In the US they can be jailed, have their driving licence rescinded, lose their job, lots of really strong consequences. Nothing like that here unfortunately.

LeighaJ · 20/06/2018 15:40

It is ridiculous that he only pays 9% of his earnings for the care of his 2 children.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 20/06/2018 15:47

So £10,000 a year for half the cost of his two children, I think that is more than plenty.

Your issue is the private school fees. If you cant afford them then dont send them there. If he insists then he will have to pony up. But ten grand a year is plenty.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 20/06/2018 15:54

ten grand a year is plenty.

It should be a fair percentage of his wage, not what anyone else thinks is more than plenty Hmm

Why should op be stuck with all the childcare, bills, unexpected expenses and general grunt work of budgeting, arranging care, working and feeding them etc while he pays a tiny amount compared to his wage and doesn't even bother his arse with contact?

What would happen if op decided she was only going to put 10% of her wages towards the kids and nothing more?

NukaColaGirl · 20/06/2018 15:54

What a tosser. How can he possibly prevent you from removing DC to a state school when you’re the one paying the fees?! Twat!

I get fuck all for toddler DC, ExH is also totally absent. Whether your ex is on 120k or on the dole, refusing overnights due to his new baby makes him a cunt and paying you so little when he earns so much also makes him a cunt. Just like my ex Grin

Original poster
craxmum · 20/06/2018 15:55

@Muddlingalongalone
I still am negotiating with him re the school change. Technically, I can default on fees and he should pick up the fees, or at least that's how the agreement reads.

OP posts:
Kaykay06 · 20/06/2018 16:03

It’s a great amount...but when you read how much he earns and the circumstances with Fee paying school etc it’s not relative you the situation.

If you want your kids to go to Fee paying schools and split with their mother who can’t afford it (and you can) why wouldn’t you pay?...they are his kids although solo holidays? Away a lot when together he doesn’t sound much of a dad and now he has another child he won’t see etc. Sounds a catch. I hope you resolve the cm issue and he pays the fees to give you some space to breathe financially.

Pleasebeafleabite · 20/06/2018 16:03

Yes get legal advice re the fees OP

Unless you have some sort of provision for fee paying attendance to be contingent on appropriate support you’ve bern badly done to

disahsterdahling · 20/06/2018 16:06

If someone earns £10k a month they can afford more than £800 maintenance for their kids. I'd be expecting at least twice that. Or for him to pay the school fees. £800 is less than 10% of his income.

I bet the OP is spending more than less than 10% of her income on the kids.

soulrider · 20/06/2018 16:11

£800 is less than 10% of his income.

Probably closer to 20% of take home pay though

LML83 · 20/06/2018 16:12

It might not be correct but surely your ex has to be/pay for the childcare cover on his days?

But if he is paying nothing that is not much practical help.

Original poster
craxmum · 20/06/2018 16:17

It would be around 13% of his take home pay (judging from his Form E), if pension, childcare vouchers and share options through salary sacrifice schemes were not maxed out. Childcare vouchers are now accumulating for his new baby, not "ex" children, of course.

OP posts:
ingenvillvetavardukoptdintroja · 20/06/2018 16:18

Have you looked into getting tax free childcare? HMRC will top up any payments you make by 20% if you earn under £100k. You can definitely use for nursery and possibly for after school club too? It's saving me a fortune. Just a bit of a pain to set up

Original poster
craxmum · 20/06/2018 16:27

I guess I am just angry. He insisted we relocate to his home country (the UK) as parents get older and more fragile, ok, great idea. Sold our property, moved with a newborn and a 2 y.o., bought a house here. I had to work full time immediately as a condition for my visa, ok, no problem. Half a year later he met someone else, gorgeous and free-spirited, ah oh, it does not work for me anymore, I want to start it all again with a woman who does not resemble an exhausted grumpy working horse and is so wild, beautiful and free. Here, have £800 a month (after almost a year chasing) and please don't bother me anymore.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 20/06/2018 16:28

I don’t blame you for being angry OP, he sounds like an arsehole who has abdicated all responsibility for a family he helped create!