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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if it really IS that bad to stay together for the kids?

64 replies

hididdlyhoneighborino · 20/06/2018 10:47

NC but a regular on here and all I ever see is staying together for the kids is harmful and shows them the wrong kind of relationship etc.

I have initiated separation (children are unaware) but I'm thinking of just staying together for the children instead so that they can have the best opportunities we can give them. They are all young, so on the one hand may not be too affected whilst they're young if we do separate, but if we don't then it's a long time to stay together for them I guess.

If we don't argue around them- is it really that bad? Will they really not know how to show love as adults just because we are not affectionate?

I'm more concerned for the MH of my husband. If you have any personal experience of this as a child I'd be more than welcome to hear them. I grew up with just my dad from age 2, so I don't know any different.

OP posts:

Original poster

hididdlyhoneighborino · 20/06/2018 14:54

Thanks. Your (really sad) experiences are helping with the wobbles immensely. I think this is best for us all in the long-term

OP posts:

starkid · 20/06/2018 15:13

I had a boyfriend in my late teens with parents like this. Him and his brother new their parents were just waiting for them to grow up and leave before splitting up and he hated it and wished they'd just split up and get on with their lives.

BristolThenSome · 20/06/2018 15:35

I've tried it for kids sake - doesn't work. I'm currently researching legal separation. He's temporarily away with work, I'm about to ask him to please not return home this weekend. I've tried for the kid's sake for years! Honestly don't think it's done the eldest especially any good.

Good luck @OP

Original poster

hididdlyhoneighborino · 20/06/2018 15:45

And to you @BristolThenSome. What's the benefit of legal separation over divorce?

OP posts:

Sreberko · 20/06/2018 15:46

As a child of parents who did stay together for the sake of children, please don't. We knew it's not working and are still really resentful to parents and rest of the family as well. Both my sis and myself live abroad, she doesn't speak to them, last time she saw them was 3 years ago at my wedding. I see them once a year and only talk to my mother, as she's on fb. My father drinks and it's getting worse so most of the time when i'm over there i ignore him as had enough dealing with his drunk ass over the years. Yes i used to adore him, now i can't stand him.

Bambooo · 20/06/2018 15:58

My parents stayed together for my sake. On the other hand, they fought a lot.

As a child, I remember being simultaneously very upset by their arguments and their relationship in general, but also not wanting them to split up. As an adult, I can see they definitely should have gone their separate ways for all of our sakes.

I turned out to have really weird feelings about relationships the whole time I was growing up. I didn't have any kind of romantic relationship (and very little romantic/sexual activity) until my late twenties, despite having plenty of offers. I sort of forced myself to get over it and take the plunge after being so tired of feeling f**ed up about it all, and now I think I'm fine.

I still don't know if it had something to do with my parents' dysfunctional relationship, or if that was unrelated.

cestlavielife · 20/06/2018 16:07

If you cannot play happy families then you cannot stay together "for the children ".
You would be staying to model resentment

His mental health is not yours .if he wants to kill himself he will.with or without you. But get some evidence of this threat in case you need to be cautious about contact with dc.

bgmama · 21/06/2018 06:00

In my experience people don't "stay together for the kids", they stay together because they're not brave enough to end it.

BarbarianMum has hit the nail on the head.

bgmama · 21/06/2018 06:07

Sorry, I forgot to mention above that I am saying that from my personal experience with my parents.

givemesteel · 21/06/2018 06:48

What you describe doesn't sound like a better alternative than splitting up.

But, 3 kids that age as well as studying doesn't sound realistic on your own. How much longer do you have until you complete your course?

Presumably this course will enable you to have better job prospects so you can better support your kids financially, so you need to find a way of completing it. If it were me I'd probably try and stick it out in your marriage until it is finished and use that time to lay the foundations of my new life.

Is he prepared to curtail his drinking, as that seems to be the root of your conflicts?

NotClear · 21/06/2018 11:00

In my experience people don't "stay together for the kids", they stay together because they're not brave enough to end it.

Disagree. Perhaps in some case but certainly not in mine, so it can't be all, can it?

In my case, I know DH would want 50:50 custody and their time alone with him would be much less bearable than if I were there to fight their corner.

Plain and simple - their best interests.

NotClear · 21/06/2018 11:00

*If I were NOT there to fight their corner

Original poster

hididdlyhoneighborino · 21/06/2018 15:57

He already curtailed his drinking as he wasnt allowed back until he did.

He went last night. I dont feel anything yet, think Im in robot mode right now.

OP posts:

SnartyFartBlast · 21/06/2018 17:22

Anecdotally, a friend of mine from school (we're now in our 30s) had parents who stayed together for the kids.

The second the youngest had left for uni, the dad was off with another, much younger, woman.

My lovely friend has picked up the pieces. Her poor, poor mum feels like he took all her best years and is still single 10 years later. I suspect the mum still loved him and hoped that he would stay.

Please don't sacrifice your happiness. LTB

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