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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband turned violent in his sleep

39 replies

MagicalMysteryTourer · 20/06/2018 07:58

I am asking on behalf of a friend (with her permission) and have NC in case she could be identified although we are not in an english speaking country so its unlikely.

Her husband is an incredibly sweet and gentle guy, doting father, just a lovely and calm person.

But one night he intervened when a group of guys were beating up another guy and ended up in a really bad state himself. After that for a few weeks everything was fine but then he started being violent in his sleep. Not purposefully hurting her but jerking around and accidentally/in his sleep hitting or punching her and even once having his hands around her throat.

Then in the morning he was devestated and crying and my friend obviously scared. So now apparently he is sleeping on the couch and my friend is distraught as you can imagine.

It must be related to what happened with the gang of guys but he doesnt want to go and talk to anyone about it as he thinks it will pass with time.
I literally have no advice to give her - has anybody got any insight? Its very sad to see as it is really impacting my friend obviously and they used to be such a loved up chilled couple.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/06/2018 08:01

He needs to talk to someone about it if he cares about his relationship then he needs to find some therapy

Isadora2007 · 20/06/2018 08:03

He could have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). He needs some help, but maybe your friend could read up some info on this and see if there is some help there?

lonalsland · 20/06/2018 08:04

Thanksto your friend and her DH

LittleLionMansMummy · 20/06/2018 08:12

Yes, I agree he could have ptsd and sleep disorder. He may need to seek support in the form of counselling and/ or sleep clinic via the GP.

LuMarie · 20/06/2018 08:14

My OH thrashes around in his sleep, he has accidentally kicked me hard enough and in a way that upset me and I've been hit in the head a couple of times when he's thrown his arms across the bed. I've thought about leaving because of it more than once and it isn't intentional or extremely violent, but it is scary and upsetting plus disturbing to my sleep enough that I've thought ok enough, no more, I can't share a bed like this!

It is actually really scary and upsetting when there is aggression even if it is accidental or subconscious, and that's without there being any neck grabbing or violent backstory influencing it.

Good thing is is seems to have happened once and for a reason, but definitely they need to get some help to be comfortable together again. Otherwise both will be scared it will happen again and maybe the story bothered him enough in his subconscious that it will.

Definitely just a chat to a therapist to help them both individually and as a couple.

Personal advice from someone who has genuinely wondered if it's a deal breaker. I'm more comfortable in a much bigger bed now, that works for me. He did recently shove me with his elbow in his sleep on a flight, I cried and though ok I'm done. Fortunately we were going on separate trips after that, I genuinely needed some space as it was too much. Next time we fly I'm getting a seat with the pods so I can close the door!

Definitely get some help to smooth it out and get past it.

BrownTurkey · 20/06/2018 08:16

Get her to explain to him that his brain needs to process the trauma - its stuck in his subconscious - and although he might not want to talk about it, he needs to. This can be done with family and friends, but if it doesn’t get better he should think about EMDR or other trauma therapy - he is likely to feel initially worse and then better.

Juells · 20/06/2018 08:32

@LuMarie

Confused

Wouldn't separate beds be a slightly less drastic solution than leaving?

LuMarie · 20/06/2018 17:04

@Juells

Separate beds, no.

I have no intention of not sharing a bed with my partner thank you.

Juells · 20/06/2018 17:09

@LuMarie

You've thought of leaving because of it, but the much less drastic option of separate beds causes offence, high dudgeon and passive aggressive 'thank you' Grin

MissionItsPossible · 20/06/2018 19:44

Lol I definitely agree with @Juells take on it. If you considered leaving your partner, @LuMarie and it was, in your own words, enough for you to genuinely consider it a deal breaker, why are you so against sleeping in separate beds?

MissionItsPossible · 20/06/2018 19:46

Sorry ^^ that sounded sarcastic/rude than I meant it to be. But why are you so against sleeping in separate beds if he thrashes out at you but willing to do that when flying?

letsallhaveanap · 20/06/2018 19:50

It sounds like PTSD, anxiety or stress. My husband has this from a traumatic incident in his childhood... he has had a lot of CBT etc to try and do something about it but he still does occasionally scream and thrash out in his sleep... especially if hes over tired or stressed.
Get him to go to the GP and ask for CBT or DBT.
Any other relaxation techniques like yoga, meditation, mindfullness can all be helpful as well if done before sleeping.... and making sure that he is not overly tired as that can lead to restless sleep which makes it more likely he will lash out.

LuMarie · 20/06/2018 20:01

Ok, get out of my relationship uninvited people!

I was offering empathy to the OP's friend, saying I understand it can be and upsetting experience.

In the middle of the night, if you are woken suddenly by a man kicking you aggressively, you might cry and think I have to leave, I can't be physically kicked. 4am woken by shock strong kick reaction is not the same as every other second of my feelings about him.

It wasn't passive aggressive, it was meant to indicate step out of my business please, I haven't asked for advice here. If you found it unclear then I can write, step out of my business please, I didn't ask anyone for advice.

Why no separate beds with my partner? Well, my intimate life is none of anyone's business and I shouldn't have to justify wishing to share a bed with my partner. In case that is "passive agressive", to clarify, we are a young couple, we are physically intimate, we have sex and we share a bed, as couples do.

The flying was a joke, to keep mood light as trying to be positive, saying yes this is upsetting but it will be fine to OP who did ask for advice. Joke as in, now I'm definitely having first class seats next time.

Although I will literally be flying first class anyway next time, usually I always do anyway, we booked late and had to slum it in premium economy, hence the lack of pod. If I had just stated "I always fly first class bitches, never missing that again, fancy was a mistake, everyone fly first class OP, that will solve this" it would be misplaced, a gift to anyone likely to get jealous over the lives of people they don't know anything about and lead to rude comments, plus no need to share my business of the details of how I travel.

As with my sex life and intimate time in bed with my partner which I am capable of handling without uninvited and inappropriate questions that intrude into my private intimate life with my partner.

I hope that is clear enough.

KinkyAfro · 20/06/2018 20:09

Are you drunk LuMarie

Dothedamnthang · 20/06/2018 20:16

Well now, this thread has turned...weird

Juells · 20/06/2018 20:28

I've been feeling a bit glum, but this has put a smile on my face Grin

Anyway, back to the OP's problem, the advice from @letsallhaveanap sounds very sensible.

SugarIsAmazing · 20/06/2018 20:33

@LuMarie I kick my husband or elbow him hard when he's snoring. He does not cry or think of leaving me.

But in regards to the OP it definitely sounds like PTSD as others have already said.

Allthewaves · 20/06/2018 20:37

Ptsd - there are a few stories of armed forces personnel having flashbacks while asleep

MissionItsPossible · 20/06/2018 20:41

Although I will literally be flying first class anyway next time, usually I always do anyway, we booked late and had to slum it in premium economy, hence the lack of pod. If I had just stated "I always fly first class bitches, never missing that again, fancy was a mistake, everyone fly first class OP, that will solve this" it would be misplaced, a gift to anyone likely to get jealous over the lives of people they don't know anything about and lead to rude comments, plus no need to share my business of the details of how I travel.

Grin
ThistleAmore · 20/06/2018 20:41

When I was growing up, I remember thinking it was unusual that my grandparents (who were only in their late 60s/early 70s at the time) had separate bedrooms.

It was only much, much later, after both had passed, that I learned that my grandfather - the sweetest, gentlest, kindest man I have ever known bar my own father - had probable undiagnosed PTSD as a result of his service as a Naval officer during WWII, and suffered from horrendous nightmares that would wake him screaming, almost until the day he died.

It sounds as though your friend's husband is suffering from similar trauma, OP, and I do hope he accepts and is able to access the help he needs.

MissionItsPossible · 20/06/2018 20:48

In the middle of the night, if you are woken suddenly by a man kicking you aggressively, you might cry and think I have to leave, I can't be physically kicked. 4am woken by shock strong kick reaction is not the same as every other second of my feelings about him

Erm ok. But why can’t you have separate beds then to spare the kickings and have every other seconds of your feelings about him?

Why no separate beds with my partner? Well, my intimate life is none of anyone's business and I shouldn't have to justify wishing to share a bed with my partner.

Ok

In case that is "passive agressive", to clarify, we are a young couple, we are physically intimate, we have sex and we share a bed, as couples do.

Yes, but most half of couples don’t hit out at their partner in the middle of the night, even accidentally. And if my bf did this to me if it was an accident I would sleep in another bed when i was ready to sleep

Thisnamechanger · 20/06/2018 20:52

This must be very disconcerting for your friend! No real ideas but separate beds for now and speaking to a mental health professional asap seems a good idea!

LuMarie · 20/06/2018 20:54

@Juells

Maybe try sharing a bed with someone rather than going with the bunk bed option. May just cheer you up Wink

LuMarie · 20/06/2018 21:00

@MissionItsPossible

The number of times he has accidentally bumped me, not violently but waking me up, is a tiny percentage of the number of nights we have spent together.

He doesn't "hit out" at me, he moves in his sleep and is a big muscly guy and I'm tall, so if he kicks out a leg or turn over and reaches out an arm, I'm there and I feel it! I was simply trying to empathise with the OP's friend by saying yes, these feelings are so valid, I don't deal with the violent parts but even the occasional clattering into me and suddenly waking me up is startling.

As for switching beds when ready to sleep... morning sex? Intimacy? I believe in sharing a bed and would never have separate as a habit in the same home, that's roommates to me. Do I really have to keep justifying normal intimacy?

To me the two separate bed thing is odd.

Ohmydayslove · 20/06/2018 21:07

I expect it will pass op he’s just wired up after the recent upset.

He could see his doctor though for advice but my guess is it will pass.

My dh has kicked out occasionally as have I. It’s quite common isn’t it?