Husband turned violent in his sleep

[MagicalMysteryTourer]

I am asking on behalf of a friend (with her permission) and have NC in case she could be identified although we are not in an english speaking country so its unlikely.

Her husband is an incredibly sweet and gentle guy, doting father, just a lovely and calm person.

But one night he intervened when a group of guys were beating up another guy and ended up in a really bad state himself. After that for a few weeks everything was fine but then he started being violent in his sleep. Not purposefully hurting her but jerking around and accidentally/in his sleep hitting or punching her and even once having his hands around her throat.

Then in the morning he was devestated and crying and my friend obviously scared. So now apparently he is sleeping on the couch and my friend is distraught as you can imagine.

It must be related to what happened with the gang of guys but he doesnt want to go and talk to anyone about it as he thinks it will pass with time.
I literally have no advice to give her - has anybody got any insight? Its very sad to see as it is really impacting my friend obviously and they used to be such a loved up chilled couple.

I feel like a slutty prude here, how is that even possible ?! 😂

@MissionItsPossible

Extra large king size bed solves it, he can reach when desirable, not when not desirable!

@Juells

I am not getting kicked passive agressively any more. Thank you for your concern (seriously not passive agressive!), thanks for saying maybe get more sleep!

KinkyAfro

No! I couldn’t jump on my huge bed if I was. Priorities:)

@SugarIsAmazing

I’ve rolled him back over less than gently when he’s landed on my pillow and caught me by surprise. He is a big guy but he may well have cried and thought of leaving me! I would get the huge bed in the separation though, so my ducks are in a row.

Seriously though, yes I agree PTSD and/or trauma, possibly building up. As I said before somehow I was having images of sharing bunk beds with my husband and trying to hint that we, ahem, cuddle.

I actually have PTSD myself! It’s been with me a long time though, it’s can be a bit different at first because it’s intense, has lots of overwhelming symptoms and may still be in shock from whatever prompted it. Nightmares are typical, people have flashbacks in their sleep, especially if the sudden danger trying to escape parts and it’s very real with a very physical panic reaction.

If it’s new or untreated it is intense. After time all the symptoms soften, or come and go rather than being constantly disturbing and distressing every second of every day and night. So yes I also said therapy, coping techniques, understanding what happened and are safe now, talking it through, whatever voodoo it is that makes therapy work, it is important because as people are describing, it is repeatedly traumatic and distressing.

Normal business to be resumed now!

@LuMarie
I feel like a slutty prude here, how is that even possible ?!

I’m not sure because A) Slutty and Prude are two different things and B) that is what nobody here has said.

MissionItsPossible Extra large king size bed solves it, he can reach when desirable, not when not desirable!

You said he hit out and you in his sleep so much that you considered leaving him. Nobody thinks you getting into another bed is acting like you’re a slutty prude(?) but just the sensible thing to do

It might be PTSD or it might be a sleep disorder or parasomnia that has developed.

I have a parasomnia and I am the one who is violent in my sleep-it was diagnosed in a sleep study and unfortunately is not treatable. So separate bedrooms are required for us!
It’s horrible to have, I would never kick or punch DH when awake but I am completely unaware of what happens when I’m asleep.

I have night terrors, a symptom of PTSD and have been violent when I've been asleep. Could be something similar?

Good god @MissionItsPossible let it go.

It's clearly a joke made in an attempt to fend off the ganging up bullying and intruding and I asked repeatedly for no intrusion into my private life and not forcing me to justify myself - not that you have any interest in paying any attention when I do.

You do what you like re bunk beds for yourself, my partner and I are fine. This thread is not about me or my bedroom or my relationship, it's about something else very serious and you are offending me as well as derailing. Give it a rest and mind your own.

Was he hit on the head when he intervened? He needs to talk to his doctor. Acting out dreams isn't a rare thing and there is treatment available. I have some sort of sleep disorder and I am waiting on my sleep clinic appointment because I can hit out, sit up, and scream in my sleep. I've injured myself and scared the crap out of DH mines stems from my anxiety disorder.

I must’ve missed a load out, what’s going on? 🙄

It will pass more quickly if he talks to someone about what happened.

EMDR is a good therapy, but wouldn't be offered so quickly after an incident.

It may well pass in time anyway. Sleeping separately for the time being seems sensible.

Poor OP must feel like they are in a parallel universe.

OP, hopefully it's just his subconscious processing the event and will resolve itself over time, but I'd send him to a doctor to check, because there's small (but existing) possibility of brain injury if he took a hit to his head.

He needs to go see his dr and explain what is happening, he may need some kind of therapy or medication or something, I bet it is his mind reacting to what happened with those guys, if he wants it to stop he needs to seek medical help before he accidentally harms his wife or worse

Agree with pp it sounds like PTSD.

Really heartbreaking that a Good Samaritan has to suffer this, just for helping someone out.

PTSD treatment has improved a lot in the last few years though, so it’s worth seeking help.

for your friend and her husband.

@LuMarie

Good god @MissionItsPossible let it go.

It's clearly a joke made in an attempt to fend off the ganging up bullying and intruding and I asked repeatedly for no intrusion into my private life and not forcing me to justify myself - not that you have any interest in paying any attention when I do.

Nobody intruded into your personal life. I made a reasonable suggestion about separate beds - which you, for some bizarre reason, interpreted as meaning bunk beds - and you took it personally, got snotty, and shared way TMI.

OP, I'm sure a solution exists for your friend's DH, it must be a fairly common problem for those suffering from PTSD.

This situation is dangerous, there was a case in the news of a man accidentally killing his wife in his sleep. It's not something to take lightly.

It sounds like PTSD to me as well. I have that as a result of having gone through childhood SA, and I've suffered insomnia in the past and I'm having a lot of bad dreams as well. I was having distressing flashbacks as well, but EMDR helped with that. I can absolutely recommend that treatment.

DH did use to sleep in a separate bed when I was having disturbed nights. It would make sense to have the option of going into a separate bed if you need it. You wouldn't have to miss out on a sex life; presumably he's awake at those times so that isn't an issue. You can use the spare bed only when you're ready to sleep.

As I see it, the only other option that's less drastic than splitting up for good would be to move out until he's had treatment for his PTSD.