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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling invisible as a SAHM....

29 replies

winterwonderly · 19/06/2018 22:43

I'm currently a SAHM although not really planning for it to be a long term thing. It works for us all for now, but ideally I see myself getting back into employment next year when the youngest is around 18 months.

I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive but I'm starting to feel really invisible in my relationship with DH and like my opinions don't matter, and I've never felt like this with him before. It's really silly and somewhat insignificant things, like I put on the heating for an hour this evening because it was cold, and got a really patronising remark when he realised it was on, because of course it was not cold enough to have the heating on.

It's not easy looking after 2 kids under 2, and some days can be a complete disaster, but on a day like today where we had a lovely day, managed an outing without any meltdowns, got home for naps, tidied up and made a nice dinner for DH and I, I was actually feeling pretty elated for the first time in a while....... and then get some stupid remarks from DH about the heating and it just brings me down, wondering why I bother, feeling unsupported and undermined.

This probably all sounds ridiculous to anyone else reading it, but I just feel like he's lost the respect for me and my decisions (however insignificant they may be) that he used to have, and I'm wondering if this is all because I'm now 'just a mum'?

Can anyone out there relate?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 19/06/2018 22:49

I think maybe you're just feeling a bit insecure because you're a sahm and that makes you unsettled. Tbh, he's not always going to agree with you about everything - just don't take it personally.. if my DH had come home and put the heating on, I would have told him to get outta here, it's summertime ffs! I don't suppose it's a bit of pnd, by any chance?

welshmist · 19/06/2018 22:49

Men are obsessed with bloody heating. I have decided it is nothing to do with money, a bit like leaving a light on, oh boy can that set them off. They just whinge about things like that. I just ignore to be honest. They have their hobbies which cost money which of course they deserve, we just want to be warm and well lit.

I have to admit, we haven`t been cold here since the beginning of May, windows open day and night, you must be further north than us.

RedForFilth · 19/06/2018 22:56

I'd be annoyed if someone put the heating on in June tbh! It sounds as though you're feeling insecure with your new sahm status rather than you partner being funny about it. You could always go back to work early if it isn't for you, there's no shame in it whatsoever!

Nicknacky · 19/06/2018 22:59

Heating on in June! It’s not warm where I am (Scotland) but it doesn’t need the heating on. Stick a jumper on.

angermanagementproblems · 19/06/2018 23:00

It's not about OP having 'pnd' it's about her dh coming home to essentially her place of 'work' and making an unnecessary judgemental comment about something she'd chosen to do. Without saying anything about the things that OP was feeling good about.

Do you think your dh would understand if you tried to explain OP how draining being at home with little ones is and that even offhand remarks can feel like criticism? Along with what you need from him when he returns home?

Durianfruit · 19/06/2018 23:00

You say ‘it works for us all’, yet everything else you say in your posts suggests it’s really not working for you. I’d get my ass back to work ASAP in your shoes.

Original poster
winterwonderly · 19/06/2018 23:00

I think I have been feeling a bit down for a while but recently have felt like I have turned a corner, started doing exercise, sorting the house out, getting more organised, meal planning etc and feeling more in control of looking after 2 under 2!

And being a SAHM, I don't speak to a lot of other adults during the day, and sort of expect DH to come home and share in my excitement at having sorted my life out, but instead just get negativity over silly things and then feel like crap again.

I just think of all the times I've supported him and encouraged him through difficult situations and would like a little bit of support and encouragement and respect in return.

And yes I get that it's probably not necessary to have the heating on but we had really heavy rain, I had to run out to do an errand and got soaked and needed warming up again when I got home.

OP posts:
liz70 · 19/06/2018 23:00

I had the heating on for a bit today. It was 16° with the windows closed, I felt chilly, so on it went. I don't care what month it is.

angermanagementproblems · 19/06/2018 23:01

I'm not sure that OP needs any further feedback/criticism about her decision to put the heating on tbh Grin.

Original poster
winterwonderly · 19/06/2018 23:11

@angermanagementproblems A few days ago we had a similar conversation and DH said to me that the weekends exhaust him because of the kids (although he loves them both to bits and loves spending time with them at the weekend), and he realises that I'm still doing at least half the childcare work at the weekend and doing it all during the week and that he realises how much work it really is.

So I sort of thought that comment meant that he realised how much I do and might appreciate it a bit more, but I still feel a bit rubbish and unsupported.

OP posts:
Loandbeholdagain · 19/06/2018 23:16

You sound like quite frankly you have done an epic job today and I think you deserve a summer bonus and possibly a promotion. Great job. (From a fellow SAHM who sometimes wishes someone would say this to me!).

LMBOB · 19/06/2018 23:17

Ah can totally relate - I think it can be difficult for the partner who's out at work to really understand and appreciate how much work you've put into your day. Even if being at home with the LOs (or jus LO in my case, 8 months) can be nice, it often feels like you never stop with tidying up, washing, cooking, nappies,doing activities with them, etc.. And it can be every bit as exhausting as as going out to work, just in a different way. Has he ever experienced it? I'm lucky in that my DH has worked from home a lot since the LO came along and has had quite a few days off here and he's therefore seen how much it involves. The other day he looked after our daughter for an afternoon when I was getting on with some much needed household admin and he said, my goodness, how do you keep her entertained all day every day?! I second what a previous poster said and maybe try to have a calm discussion with him ovee diner when you are both in a good mood and try to help him understand that you need to feel appreciated as for the moment, this is your work... I really don't think the answer is as simple as 'you go back to work' etc. as youve obv. made this decisions for financial reasons. It is hard not to become a bit sensitive when you don't really get positive feedback or praise, as you might at work.

Original poster
winterwonderly · 19/06/2018 23:20

Aw @Loandbeholdagain you actually just made me cry a little!

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 19/06/2018 23:22

I just think of all the times I've supported him and encouraged him through difficult situations and would like a little bit of support and encouragement and respect in return. I think you need to find the cause of feeling how you do because this suggests its about wayyyy more than the heating!

Do you think your dh would understand if you tried to explain OP how draining being at home with little ones is and that even offhand remarks can feel like criticism? Along with what you need from him when he returns home? I wouldn't do this tbh as if you make an offhand comment to him I don't think you'll be impressed if he starts explaining how draining workong ft and being the sole earner can be.

Loandbeholdagain · 19/06/2018 23:24

I see you! Even if I’m just a stranger on the internet. What you do everyday matters. Your children may never remember but it will be embedded in them forever. They will think, feel, grow and act differently because of the type of care they getting from you now. When it’s really incredibly hard and you dig deep, it matters. Today you nailed it! So darn it, if you want the heating on, you put the heating on.

Tangled59 · 19/06/2018 23:24

Other than the heating thing you haven't actually said hiw hes being unsupportive

faeriequeen · 19/06/2018 23:46

I'd be annoyed if dh put the heating on today. It's warm and the middle of summer.

Pa1oma · 19/06/2018 23:55

Loandbehold - you should run seminars.

liz70 · 20/06/2018 00:06

"It's warm and the middle of summer."

Whereas it's cold and pissing it down here. Highs of 15° tomorrow (big wow!). We don't all live in Sunnyville. If I'm cold, I put the heating on; I couldn't give a stuff what month or season it is.

Mookatron · 20/06/2018 08:13

This is one of the many downsides of being a SAHM. Unfortunately some men get used quite quickly to having a traditional 'wife' and feel all is as it should be.

Well done! Write yourself an annual review!

faeriequeen · 20/06/2018 16:11

Currently 15c, warmest it's been all day (northern england). That's warm here. Out earlier in shorts and t shirt (too warm for one, even in the rain) now home with Windows open. Seriously, no need for heating on.

faeriequeen · 20/06/2018 16:12

Sorry, meant to say too warm for a jacket.

liz70 · 20/06/2018 17:25

Are you implying that I is nesh, Faerie?

Feeling invisible as a SAHM....
Petitprince · 20/06/2018 17:52

Sounds pretty nesh to me! Fellow northerner here. No heating on until at least October in this house. It gives me a headache and makes me sleepy if the heating is on while it's warm outside.
From the original post, the main problem seems to be the husband disagreeing about the heating. I'd disagree too. Also a SAHM. So YABU, at least from what you've described.

bsbabas · 20/06/2018 18:05

Pass him a pound and tell him your not attracted to stingy misers. I have terrible circulation and am only hot for like three months of the year. Socks slippers hot water bottle duvet and two blankets this winter and I was still freezing

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