Sister is sticking her head in the sand

[ednclouda]

AIBU I have come to a cross roads with my older DS she is 65 divorced for 30 years she is due to be made homeless as her ex wants the proceeds from the house he's been paying mortg for 30 years she has a few savings a tiny pension and a few caring jobs no collateral no way on earth to raise a mortg local authority waiting list is 5 years long

myself and dh have tried to advise her in what to do (were not experts) as her kids have almost washed their hands of her she is nearly at the panicking stage but not quite yet

there is no money for solicitors C.A.B
waiting list is 6 months long as well I can't see her out on the streets but what is her next move

I am worried sick

She can surely EASILY find a 1 bed place for that money? Sure, she can go after the rest if she thinks she deserves it, but I would honestly lose any patience with someone who did not have the wherewithal to sort themselves out on that.

@ednclouda OP, I'm based in the Midlands and I rent a 2 bedroom flat close to city centre for £500 pcm.

She will be able to rent a room for much, much less.

Lighthouse, all of you are so right she wont listen to family and it will take some pushing to get her to sit down in an office with a notepad and pen Am trying hard to get rid of the SAND round her head

All your comments are so sensible Love you ALL EDn

Where have her earnings gone?

bringing up her children?

@ohreallyohreallyoh That might account for 18 years, what about the other 12?

That might account for 18 years, what about the other 12?

Well she must have had the children already when they divorced so it has probably been a lot less than 18 years bringing up children - and let's face it they don't need you at home until they are 18 anyway.

She must have only been 35 when they divorced - a relatively young woman. Even allowing for some years still devoted to childcare she has had a long, long time to sort herself out.

Tell your sister to move up my way. She could buy a 2 bedroom flat for £50-60k in a reasonable area, take a lodger and invest whatever's left over after purchase and decorating etc. So an income from the lodger, a pension and a small nest egg.

Seriously, with £80k coming her way, I really can't see a problem.

I'm guessing she got child maintenance, otherwise op would have said?

Depends on the children. We are missing a lot of information. It is an unusual set up and it is likely there was a reason for that.

I might be wrong.

Either way, she needs legal advice to be clear as to the way forward. It's not necessarily as simple as 50/50, particularly if there is no financial order in place following the divorce.

You ‘worrying yourself sick’ is part of your enabling dynamic that allows her to behave the way she does. Point her in the direction of her LA and Shelter and then take a giant step back. She isn’t burying her head in the sand, she’s waiting to be bailed out.

She isn’t burying her head in the sand, she’s waiting to be bailed out.

I agree! Got any savings yourself OP? Watch out, if so.

LA or Shelter? With no dependants, no ties to a particular area, and £8k coming her way? Good luck with that.

I mean £80k.

LA or Shelter will help explain her options but they won’t bail her out. However, as long as she can pull at the heart strings of her sister and possibly her Ex she will.

Oh, fair dos. OP should tell her to get tae. Some people have real problems!

This may not be entirely about money. She is facing leaving the home she has lived in for many years and where she brought up her children. When people downsize it's usually when they choose to do so but in her case it's being forced by circumstances. She may be feeling anxious and upset at having to move.

This thread is quite baffling. It seems to me the sister has done exactly what she wanted to do.

She has spent the last thirty years doing the odd bit of part time work, living rent/mortgage free, having a lovely time I should think. Now, aged 60, she gets a £80k windfall she hasn't worked/paid towards and can live out her remaining years quite comfortably.

I don't understand why you are so uptight about all of this OP - can you explain? Unless DSIS lives in south east where rents are very high, I cannot see that there is any kind of problem at all.

It's really difficult to know the sister's situation. Maybe after raising children, care work was the only work she could find. Maybe she has done what she can. Maybe although it's not well paid she (rightly!) feels care work is worthwhile employment.

Maybe if, instead of paying the mortgage, her ex had paid her spousal maintenance and/or child maintenance at a level court would have set (not the csa/cms bare minimum) and she had then been able to make the mortgage payments herself she wouldn't be losing her home right now.
He can't have been making more than tiny payments on a 30year plus mortgage? If it was in lieu of maintenance he is getting a huge chunk back!

Maybe she's feeling anxious and her family are creating panic. Nowhere does it say she is expecting help from a homeless charity. All the panic described is the OPs. Who doesn't come across as having any compassion.

I don't get the responses at all.