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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to tell DD the truth about her father

42 replies

Hermitsunited · 19/06/2018 18:10

My eldest daughter idolises her father, he buys her everything she wants but refuses to pay maintenance. I had to take him to court to have him see her and it's only once a fortnight, when she's there all she does is play video games. He will NOT travel to see her unless someone can drive him to and from even though he moved half an hour away from his daughter. He refuses to help pay for her hobby classes I.e martial arts and refuses to take her to them even when she asks.
She talks about him like the sun shines from his backside and it winds me up so much when he actually does so little for her except have her once a fortnight and let her play on an Xbox the whole time.
I want to tell her what a waste of space he is but I know I shouldn't, would I be horrible of I did?

OP posts:
Quickerthanavicar · 19/06/2018 18:12

You will sound like a bitter cow if you do and she will side with the fun parent. Hold you tongue and she will discover in her own time what a wnaker he is.

Thehop · 19/06/2018 18:14

You know you would, tempting though it is.

My 13 year old ds has a shit dad and it kills me too.

I guess we just have to remember that we PO e our children more than we hate an ex and it’s tgem we would upset if we badmouththem. They’ll realise in their own time

Original poster
Hermitsunited · 19/06/2018 18:16

That's what i was worried about. We were out walking our dog and she was just going on and on about him and I wanted to scream. He was rubbish when she was a tiny baby, that's why I left him and he's still rubbish now. I hope she realises when she's older. I dread to think she'll want to live with him one day

OP posts:
mcfifi · 19/06/2018 18:16

Yeah, just leave it. It would hurt your daughter, not her deadbeat dad. She’ll realise when she’s older what he’s like and what you’ve been through.

Blueemeraldagain · 19/06/2018 18:17

How old is she? I know it’s very difficult but she will come to her own realisation soon. Especially with not taking her to her hobby classes.

Original poster
Hermitsunited · 19/06/2018 18:18

She's only 7 and I know it's very young, it just drives me insane that I do everything, all the school playa, hobbies, homework, holidays, days out etc. And he's the one she's always wanting to talk about

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 19/06/2018 18:19

I hear you OP, it’s bloody tempting. But please don’t, because it won’t hurt him it’ll hurt her.

DS1 is 11 now and coming to his own realisation that his dad is a joke of a parent. But I’ve never told him, although he does know he doesn’t pay maintenance but that’s because his friend at school was talking about it and he asked me.

IHaveBrilloHair · 19/06/2018 18:20

How did you take him to court to have him see her?

HerFemaleness · 19/06/2018 18:21

I can understand that this would be galling for you, but please don't vent at your daughter. She's not mature enough to understand and you would only hurt her.

She will see him for who he is eventually.

sue51 · 19/06/2018 18:21

I don't understand . Did the court order your ex to see your DD?

NameChangingParanoid · 19/06/2018 18:21

She knows you’re the one that’s always there & this will become more & more important as time goes by.

I know it’s really hard but I have a friend who had mouths her kid’s Dad to them & it’s just horrible to hear.

LeGrandeDame · 19/06/2018 18:21

Why did you go to court for access?
Genuine question.

I think children can come to terms with absent parents very well. As long as its explained honestly, impartially and not some big secret.

Crap parents on the other hand are tricky to explain and even harder for children to understand.

Just be a good role model and let him get on with it.

Mousefunky · 19/06/2018 18:22

I know it’s incredibly difficult but you need to hold your tongue until she is old enough to realise for herself and trust me, this will happen and I wouldn’t imagine it will be very long until it does. As a teenager she will realise the lack of effort I would imagine and become bitter about it herself.

Ohyesiam · 19/06/2018 18:22

She’ll start feeling let down by him soon enough, and she’ll see him for what he is.
Until then op, take deep breaths x

ghosting · 19/06/2018 18:23

And he's the one she's always wanting to talk about

When she is with him, maybe she spends her whole time talking about you?

You are her stability and her rock. The love and support and constancy you give her is what she needs, despite her probably thinking that daddy’s house and computer games are the best thing ever.

Rise above it. Eventually she will see him for the person she really is, and she will be able to trust you to support her because you will have been there for her. Don’t say anything, as much as you’d like to.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 19/06/2018 18:26

Don't say anything. I bit my tongue for years because I didn't want to hurt DD, she was too young to cope with the fact her dad was shite.

She started questionning his behaviour in her older teens and I just answered her truthfully.
She is under no illusion about his limits and appreciates all I've done for her over the years.

Your DD will realise herself.

MsSquiz · 19/06/2018 18:28

Please don't. I completely get how shit it must feel to hear her idolise him but she will see it for herself eventually.

My dad left my mum when I was 6 months, never had access (didn't want it) and never paid maintenance at all (was "on the sick" for most of my life to avoid paying) and he showed up every birthday, Christmas and Easter with £20 and a card. My mum, OTOH, worked multiple jobs, gave me everything I wanted and never once slated him for it. She would throw the most amazing birthday parties for all of the kids in my year at school, and I'd be most excited about my dad popping in for 5 mins with his £20 and a card!
As soon as I hit my early teens, I saw him for what he was. He wouldn't even give me lifts to friends' parties (mum didn't drive) I last spoke to him when I was in my 20's and I asked him to lend some money (£30) and he said "you only call me when you want something" and I replied "at least I call you" and that was the last time either of us called...

I lost my mum last year and all I can think of was how much it must've killed her every time I gushed to my friends about my dad visiting. And she never said a single word against him.

sparklepops123 · 19/06/2018 18:31

She’ll realise the older she gets, mine did. If you say anything you’ll just look bitter. Bite your tongue, she’ll get older and he’ll still be a dick

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 19/06/2018 18:35

Your DD will realise herself
There’s every chance she already is and this is her way of dealing with it and pretending/wishing it wasn’t true. It’s complicated. For which she will need gentle help and support. I’ve seen exactly this in my own niece when hero worshipping her shite father (sadly, my own brother).

Summerisdone · 19/06/2018 18:43

It's not easy doing so without sounding bitter, but try to tactfully let her know the truth, don't cover for him as ultimately it's protecting him more so than her.
When you can't afford things for her, such as hobbies or days out, then nicely explain that things are just too expensive and you're struggling to pay for everything as her dad hasn't been able to pay maintenance for sometime.
If he doesn't turn up as he's got no lift then tell her why "he can't come as no one could give him a lift and he doesn't like to use public transport".
If you tell her these things as way of explanation rather than it coming across like you're trying to twist her opinions, then she'll soon start questioning him herself.

You are doing her a favour by being honest about what kind of father he really is, because the older she gets before she sees the truth, the more it will hurt her when she finds out he's not the hero she held him up to be.
I'm talking from experience as my DM covered for my dad for many years, but by time I reached secondary school age she'd had enough of protecting him so he could remain the hero in my eyes, I soon started to see the truth for myself then and mine and her relationship also became so much better because I appreciated more how much she did for me.

Original poster
Hermitsunited · 19/06/2018 18:45

I'll bite my tongue then, you're all right and to answer the question yes I took him to court. I know it's not the normal thing to do but I wanted to make sure he saw his daughter. To do so I had to agree that he would not be made to pay maintenance through the usual channels and would just give money when and if needed. He doesn't but I thought her spending time with him was more important. He refused to go to mediation where we could sort it spot went to court where he was made to sign an access order. His name is on the born certificate , I made sure of that and have always made sure he could see her when he liked, as long as it was reasonable but he never does except for the weekends he's ordered to have her.
I'm at my wits end with it all really but I don't want to push it all with him because I cba fighting with him about it.
I think I just need to vent somewhere really

OP posts:
EdHelpPls · 19/06/2018 18:47

She will work it out soon enough. Just bite your tongue. Don’t agree or disagree!

I saw my part as facilitating the possibility of a relationship between them and no more (no bad mouthing, she doesnt know how bad it was when I first found out I was pregnant, doesn’t know about finances etc)

SoddingUnicorns · 19/06/2018 18:47

Vent away OP, it’s massively frustrating when they seem to be centre of the universe and we are taken for granted. It feels shit, really shit.

It’ll come with time, I know that’s easy to say, but it will. You’re her constant, her foundation and her unconditional love. Even if she doesn’t consciously realise it yet, she knows.

Orangecake123 · 19/06/2018 18:52

Leave her in her little bubble she will realize it for herself when she's older.

Foslady · 19/06/2018 18:54

Frustrating as it is, bite your tongue - mine was almost in two at one point! But as others have said, she will see through it all in time as she grows.
What helped me was having a ‘fuck you’ phrase.....both me and dd day ‘that’s nice.....’ when we need to!!!

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