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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to tell DD the truth about her father

42 replies

Hermitsunited · 19/06/2018 18:10

My eldest daughter idolises her father, he buys her everything she wants but refuses to pay maintenance. I had to take him to court to have him see her and it's only once a fortnight, when she's there all she does is play video games. He will NOT travel to see her unless someone can drive him to and from even though he moved half an hour away from his daughter. He refuses to help pay for her hobby classes I.e martial arts and refuses to take her to them even when she asks.
She talks about him like the sun shines from his backside and it winds me up so much when he actually does so little for her except have her once a fortnight and let her play on an Xbox the whole time.
I want to tell her what a waste of space he is but I know I shouldn't, would I be horrible of I did?

OP posts:

eggcellent · 19/06/2018 18:56

I'd take him back to court and get him paying maintenance. If he doesn't want to see her then that's his loss, she'd be better off without the prick

sparklepops123 · 19/06/2018 18:56

Kids aren't daft she'll soon suss him out

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 19/06/2018 18:58

She'll realise in in her own time.

My father was less shit than that but I still realised he was a deadbeat when I was... 13, I think.

NomNomNomNom · 19/06/2018 18:59

You're getting the shit end of the stick now. DD feels secure in your relationship with her so she can take you for granted which she can't with her dad. I think the truth would only hurt her now (she's likely to internalise her dad being shit and assume she's not worthy of him actually being a parent). Once she's grown up she'll appreciate you doing all the leg work.

Susikettu · 19/06/2018 19:03

My parents split up when I was 3. I think I got to about 10 and I realized my dad was useless (and still is) without my mum having to say anything. Give her a few years and she will figure it out for herself without you being the bad guy.

Hepzibar · 19/06/2018 19:03

How will she feel when she's know her father was forced to see her by a court.

AJPTaylor · 19/06/2018 19:07

somewhere between 11 and 13 seems to be when the penny drops.

MontyDog589 · 19/06/2018 19:20

God I can only imagine how shit that must be OP - you’re a saint to have bitten your tongue so far - but as PP have said, I think you have to continue to do so. The truth - which is, let’s be brutally honest, that she’s idolising someone who barely gives a shit about her - will really hurt her, especially if it’s delivered at this stage when she idolises him by you, the person who really does care about her. She’ll come to realise in time what a waste of space he is and that’s when you need to be there to support her.

SluttyButty · 19/06/2018 19:24

My daughter has a total twat of a father. I've waited until she's 18 and asked questions because she'd started rejecting him for the last three years. Bide your time and when the time comes be factual rather than derogatory even though it will churn you up inside.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 19/06/2018 19:24

You can't take someone to court to force them to see a child. No court would order that, it's nonsense

SoddingUnicorns · 19/06/2018 19:32

You can't take someone to court to force them to see a child. No court would order that, it's nonsense

It’s not. You can go to court to request an order for contact for consistency and stability. Obviously he mustn’t have walked into court and said he didn’t want contact.

Original poster

Hermitsunited · 19/06/2018 21:00

@soddingunicorns that's exactly what I did thank you for putting it like I couldn't. He would see her previously only if he could afford to which annoyed me and wasn't fair on her so I changed it the only way I knew how.

OP posts:

outofmydepth45 · 19/06/2018 21:10

I was told (while sorting an arrangements order) contact couldn't be mandatory. DC had to be made available and it was his choice to be in. Also maintenance and contact shouldn't be linked.

Anyway just be honest with your DD she already knows he's shit and it hurts I imagine she is response testing. Honest but neutral

lola006 · 19/06/2018 21:15

She’ll get it...one day. My dad left when I was 10 and weekends at his were so fun (movies, meals out, etc) while my mum got homework and chores. I’m in my 30’s now and am genuinely ashamed at the pedestal I put him on while speaking to my mum. She’s who I want to be like in raising my own children and I tell her as often as possible.

Hold your tongue. She will realise.

MadRainbow · 19/06/2018 21:18

Don't do it OP she will learn in time. I was 16 my brother was 13 when we figured it out for ourselves. Much better a way to do it.

mude · 19/06/2018 21:31

At my dads house we ate ice cream for breakfast and had no bedtime
At my mums house we had routine and rules

I felt 100% more secure, loved and comfortable at my mums house. Even as a child. That was Home.

friendlyflicka · 19/06/2018 21:58

I am in this situation. I find it very hard. I think the reason my dd worships him is a way to convince herself how great he is because he is constantly letting her down. He has been abusive to me to the point I have had to call the police about his harassment but I didn't let my daughter know.

My older daughter doesn't see him at all and that is why I think my younger one has to be a cheerleader for him. I just try to make sure she doesn't think she is responsible for him, but I don't bad mouth him. I can't be false. But I just keep my mouth shut and understand that she adores him. And do everything I can to keep her stable and supported here. I know I get the door slamming and the rubbish behaviour and he doesn't but I do understand why.

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