To ask if you have a duty to nurture your sex life and keep yourself in good nick?

[Tangled59]

This isnt what I think but I am considering the question in am abstract way based on another thread I read.

So imagine you have a relationship and both parties want to be in the relationship because they love each other.

Imagine person A massively lets themself go or becomes too lazy/not really in the mood to have sex most of the time. This leaves person B with the option of either cheating or walking away from an otherwise good relationship.

Im not talking about temporary dips or periods that can be explained by illness, depression, bereavement but basically just when person A can't be fucked anymore with keeping themself looking their best and putting a bit of energy into their sex life.
Considering a relationship is basically like an unspoken contract, cheating is breaking that contract, but isn't removing all attractive/sexual aspects of the relationship just another way of breaking that contract too?

I guess in a way I'm asking if cheating is ever truly justified.

dh and I have been together almost 30 years and over there have been periods where our libedos have been very out of sync and it has caused major problems. Right now dh is the one who isn't into it, mainly because he has put on a lot of weight and feels unattractive. I don't think he has a duty to give me sex, that seems an odd way to look at things, but I do miss the intimacy, and wish for his health and happiness that he'd get back to the gym. In the meantime I let him know that I find him attractive without (I hope) putting pressure on him. I expect we'll have an active sex life again at some point.

The thing is Tangle you are much more likely to hear abit a man having an affair because ‘their dw never has sex’ than the other way around!
Women more often than not just grind their teeth because of the kids. Don’t make a fuss (because otherwise they are called sluts) etc... Just look at the number of women who will never complain that their DP can’t be bothered to ensure they have an orgasm for example. Or that it’s painful (a very large number of women will at some point have sex with their DP despite the fact they are in pain ‘because they can’t pssibly deny them sex as it’s part of healthy relationhsip and otherwise they will just leave)

I don’t think you can discuss having sex/not having sex without also talking about the pressure being put in men and women about sex.
And also talk about the simple fact that a man who can’t keep it up can just take viagra. Women? They are expected to have sex when if they don’t like it/they are knackered/it’s painful because having sex is a need and poor man can’t possibly go without.

To that you also need to add the fact that once you have children, the relationship has to change. Both partners should become mum and dad not just woman and man. So you should see some change in the roles both partners have within the home.
But the reality is often that the woman changes and becomes mum. Children need to be the center if ther world because they need her to stay alive and well and there is no one else to take over.
But te father? As shown in numerous threads in here, they stay in the man role with lip service to being in the father role.
So basically, what actually affects the libido and the sex life of a couple is very complex and goes much further than partner A has withdraw sex and partner B is frustrated and therefore is looking somewhere else.
It’s also going much further than no sex = relationhsip in the rocks.

I think I can see part of this argument.

Partner a not interested in sex or maintaining themselves. For whatever reason. So enforces a life of celibacy on their partner, they don't want to have sex with them, they allow themselves to look in a way they know their partner won't find attractive, (over weight, poorly dressed, limited to no grooming regime) but they also behave in a way that's unattractive ( doesn't want to go out, sits in pyjamas all night eating chocolate or drinking beer) but also doesn't want their partner to be with anyone else. They need to simply adjust to the new reality of the celibate slob on the sofa.

Partner b is invested in the relationship, kids involved, feels rejected and unheard, doesn't remotely fancy partner any more even if the partner did want to have sex with them, watches them slobbing on sofa with despair.

So cheats, because the opportunity arises, because it makes them feel good, because it fills a gap that's opened up in theirs lives. Because as much as they love their spouse, they aren't in love with them anymore and don't particularly like what they have become.

Who broke the marriage contract first? Arguably partner a.

It's as a pp said. It's the one area that isn't often tackled in many relationships, due to the sensitivity surrounding it.

I agree with Bluntness; both parties in an exclusive relationship are responsible and if/when one checks out of those responsibilities 'without consent', forcing the other into adjustments that were never agreed, then... it's a perfect storm.

I'm not sure I like the idea of 'putting effort in' for my dh. The reason we're together is because we like each other for who we are. It's relaxing and lovely to come home to someone and be yourself.

We are all ageing and changing. Wrinkles, baldness, grey hair, body shape changes are all inevitable. There has to be an element of loving your spouse for what they are, more than what they look like surely......

If real love depends on what we look like as we age, then most of us are screwed quite frankly. How depressing. Thankfully it's not true.

I remember a man I used to go hear lecture, and he used to tell this story to illustrate something..I've always remembered it because I believe it's true from experience.

John and Jane meet, John and Jane fall in love, John and Jane get married.

You ask Jane why she loves John (could be the other way round) and she says "I love John because, because, because.."

10 years pass.

You meet John and Jane again. You ask Jane, why do you love John?

Jane replies "I love John despite, despite, despite.."

Now they are really in love.

"Puts on hard hat".

If real love depends on what we look like as we age, then most of us are screwed quite frankly. How depressing. Thankfully it's not true

I'm not sure anyone is saying love is dependent on image. That's a very shallow take on what rhe op is asking..she's talking about someone who massively lets themselves go, and is no longer interested in sex with their partner.

That's very different to simple ageing and the sex part is a key component in her question that shouldn't be ignored.

People's looks change for all kinds of reasons Bluntness..They overeat....They get depressed and don't look after themselves..They get ill and medication changes them..They just age and can't look as good as they once did. Are they different people because of that? less worthy? or is the body just a shell that houses the real value of a person? My take is not a shallow interpretation of what the OP said at all..she is asking (partly, yes there are other issues) if it's ok to break the relationship if the person (for whatever reason) is less physically attractive than they once were. I'm saying that real love is about more than how someone looks as they age because physical attractiveness is actually a fleeting thing that can be lost at any moment, it's intensely fragile and never guaranteed. The sex aspect I did not address, that is a different issue.

Well of course a change is for a reason, no one is disputing that. The reason hasn't been up for discussion. It's the change and loss of desire for a partner that is

Does It make them different people? Yes of course it can change personality and behaviour, less confident, less happy, more introverted, less sociable, less energetic, and loss of a sexual relationship can result in a loss of intimacy and make a partner feel rejected.

I'm not sure why you're bringing "worthy" into it though. It's not about being worthy, the op has simply asked if somone let's themselves go and no longer is interested in their partner physically, then who broke the marital contract first, and there is an argument it's the person who let themselves go and stopped being sexually interested in their partner. That they too carry a culpability.

It's not about size particularly; if you find someone desirable then that's how you feel about them. If that person withdraws from you - for whatever reason - then that desire wears off. Works both ways.

I hate moobs, which I know can be a natural part of ageing in men, however I am not intending to have too much sex with my dh when we get old, so hopefully won't be a problem!