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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you have a duty to nurture your sex life and keep yourself in good nick?

63 replies

Tangled59 · 19/06/2018 15:32

This isnt what I think but I am considering the question in am abstract way based on another thread I read.

So imagine you have a relationship and both parties want to be in the relationship because they love each other.

Imagine person A massively lets themself go or becomes too lazy/not really in the mood to have sex most of the time. This leaves person B with the option of either cheating or walking away from an otherwise good relationship.

Im not talking about temporary dips or periods that can be explained by illness, depression, bereavement but basically just when person A can't be fucked anymore with keeping themself looking their best and putting a bit of energy into their sex life.
Considering a relationship is basically like an unspoken contract, cheating is breaking that contract, but isn't removing all attractive/sexual aspects of the relationship just another way of breaking that contract too?

I guess in a way I'm asking if cheating is ever truly justified.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 19/06/2018 16:36

You often see posts on here where posters' solutions to lost attraction/sex life is simply: walk away or leave.

You could ask for an open relationship.

Original poster
Tangled59 · 19/06/2018 16:39

@BlueSapp
I dont agree with you that placing importance on how your partner looks is superficial, sorry. I'm not saying he has to be ripped and groomed and wrinkle free his whole life but if my DP put on LOTS of weight and didnt plan on slimming down a little I would fancy him less. And I think fancying someone is a really important part of a relationship - well to me anyway.

OP posts:
Mousefunky · 19/06/2018 16:41

Cheating is never justifiable but I agree that to an extent you need to make an effort for your partner. This swings both ways across both genders. You would be justified in leaving if you tried to help the person you loved improve their libido/weight/self esteem (whatever was holding them back basically) and they still didn’t change.

Theleftparing · 19/06/2018 16:47

Agree with 2 litre - for us sex is hugely important. It is the one ting exclusive to us. I would be devastated if that went.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 19/06/2018 16:50

I dont agree with you that placing importance on how your partner looks is superficial, sorry. I'm not saying he has to be ripped and groomed and wrinkle free his whole life but if my DP put on LOTS of weight and didnt plan on slimming down a little I would fancy him less. And I think fancying someone is a really important part of a relationship - well to me anyway.

My DP has put on several stone since we met and I still think he’s the most beautiful man to ever walk the earth with the possible exception of that Adam off of Love Island I can’t imagine looking at him and not seeing his beautiful eyes and his gorgeous smile regardless of how much he weighs or whether he goes bald etc. In fact I think I prefer him a bit heavier as he’s not so cocky!

LeighaJ · 19/06/2018 16:54

Cheating isn't justified, BUT more often then not both people in a relationship made it vulnerable for cheating to happen. Which can include one massively letting themselves go, cuz, just can't be fucked (probably literally too.)

This is part of why I think it's okay to bring it up in a relationship. It's a sensitive topic prone to causing butthurt, but letting oneself go, seems to be one of the few issues in a marriage that people won't tackle.

Lethaldrizzle · 19/06/2018 16:55

I wouldn't fancy my dh if he let himself go

Tambien · 19/06/2018 16:55

From the pov of a marriage that is failing big way, I wouod say intimacy is much more important than sex to me.
Intimacy doesn’t have to be sex. It’s the being emotionally connected with the other person. Itsbthe sharing your soul type of thing. So yes sex can feel like this or can help with it but it’s nitbthe inky way to achieve that iyswim.

I have a major problem with ‘letting yourself down’ because it implies a very particular image. One of a woman who puts make up in, is careful not to put weight on, doesn’t slob around in not very well fitted clothes etc.... it puts women in the position of having to look perfect or near perfect. It’s not the same at all than keeping up with normal hygiene for example.

But what I wouod be more interested in is what do you think people/women should do to avoid the ‘I’m not so interested in sex anymore?’
Your OP seems to lean towards the idea that it’s up to the woman to make the effort when I believe that a good sex life is like a good relationhsip. It takes two to tango. And if the sex life is crap then I will always start form the POV that BOTH partners need to put more work in. Not just the one who doesn’t feel like it (see the recent thread about the woman who didn’t have an orgasm for the last 7 months and her do being horrified that she brought that up. Surely this would have had an effect in her wish to have sex. And he has a huge part to play in that??)

Original poster
Tangled59 · 19/06/2018 16:57

@Tambien
I agree with all your points but I must say you are projecting a little - my OP absolutely doesnt insinuate that its up to the woman to make an effort. Im talking about both parties!

OP posts:
Notso · 19/06/2018 17:05

We all age, men will go bald, women will get wrinkles, inevitably our weight will fluctuate depending on the age and stage of our life. Being able to find your partner attractive throughout all of that is more important than keeping up with some arbitrary beauty rules. Obviously being clean and hygienic are important, but if my DP insisted I had waxed and primped and done my hair and make up before we had sex it would be about once a year instead of every day!

This. If you had asked me when I was 17 if I'd fancy a bald man with a hairy back the answer would be no. No doubt if you asked DH if he would find a plump woman with slightly witchy hair and a stomach full of stretch marks, he would say no. Yet here we are 20 years and four kids later still madly in love with each other.

poopsqueak · 19/06/2018 17:07

your options are totally skewed though. If person A lets themselves go you can do much more than 1)cheat and 2) leave them.

You can talk to them, for one. Or go to counselling, or help them to look after themselves.

2blueshoes · 19/06/2018 17:12

Well I've been with DH for 33 years and neither of us look like we did in 1985. You need to be realistic, as well. If good looks and sex is what is gives a green light for cheating, you're going to have short marriages and unhappy lives.

There is no excuse for cheating. None.

BlueSapp · 19/06/2018 17:14

Tangled59 Your priorities are a little skewed, why has your DP put on weight, have you spoken to him? are you actually concerned for his health or is it just how he looks?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 19/06/2018 17:16

how can a person "simply leave" such a solid relationship? erm they don't, they use that solidness to actually sit down and discuss what's going on, why things have changed, perhaps suggest counselling but above all they discuss and agree what needs to change then they support each other to achieve it.

Branleuse · 19/06/2018 17:20

Its important to me for my partner to take care of himself and to stay looking attractive to me. I hated it and complained when he grew a massive fucking beard as he looked like a tramp.
I dont care about stuff like weight gain or fluctuations that we all get as we age, nor do i expect him never to get old and wrinkly, but I think if he wants to keep me interested in having sex with him, then he has to make an effort to not look like shit.
I always make an effort with my appearance.

I also think in a relationship its important to try and keep sex and intimacy going. It is for me anyway. If you dont have that, you may as well just be friends

limon · 19/06/2018 17:33

"Duty" is the wrong word. Sex isn't a duty.

As someone who's libido was killed three years ago by the mirena coil (and partly ptsd from traumatic birth) coil removed last December and libido revived only to find my marriage is basically destroyed I am feeling pretty fucked up. So long and short - sex is an important part of a relationship and sometimes it's not possible to keep it going.

Makes me feel very very sad.

MiMr · 19/06/2018 17:48

What if you have a talk in great detail with your partner but can't reach a compromise?

Suck it up I guess. Or leave and wreck everyone's lives.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 19/06/2018 17:53

Imagine you love this person deeply, and they love you, and you've spent 15 years together and complement one another perfectly, you maybe have kids, you admire one another hugely, you laugh together, you want to spend the rest of your life with them

...and you just don’t have sex! This is where I’m at as my libido has evaporated since DC2 eight months ago.

Feel weirdly sad and scared as DH is a truly beautiful and wonderful man but as pathetic as this is for me to admit I actively fear him straying, based on zilch.

Original poster
Tangled59 · 19/06/2018 17:57

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut
Awww come on, you only just gave birth pretty much, give yourself a break!

@BlueSapp
Eh? DP hasn't put on weight

OP posts:
Namethecat · 19/06/2018 17:59

I'm a serial yoyo dieter which is as much as a few stone either way. My dh gets a different woman every few years ( Meeeeee !)

If he ever complained I'd chop his balls off !

arethereanyleftatall · 19/06/2018 18:09

It's surely the definition of superficial to be bothered about what someone looks like.

Vanity is a deeply unattractive trait imo.

MatildaTheCat · 19/06/2018 18:22

Neglecting yourself is far more than gaining weight. Body odour, bad teeth, dirty hair, they all would be real passion killers. But so would meanness, contempt and other bad behaviours.

There is a big problem if a couple in crisis can’t even speak about it. Cheating is never going to end well for anyone. If the relationship is dead in the water have the self respect to leave and start again.

Lethaldrizzle · 19/06/2018 18:30

Arethereanyleft- im superficial then because part of the reason i got together with dh was his looks as is the case for alot of people. Physical attraction matters

Peanutbuttercups21 · 19/06/2018 18:35

There is never an excuse to cheat.

Better to end one relationship before you move on to the next one

Echobelly · 19/06/2018 18:41

I do think people ought to try with the sex life or it really can fall by the wayside. I do understand that if, say, you have young kids who are terrible sleepers or have a lot of needs it would be hard to keep up a sex life during that period.

I think if your partner isn't wanting sex with you, you should talk about it and find ways to reignite it, rather than going somewhere else looking for it, but I do know some couples negotiate an open relationship, or for one to have freedom to sleep with other people if the other doesn't think they meet their needs and that this would be better for them as a couple. A risky option emotionally, but some people do make it work.