Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To no longer want to be with DH

50 replies

awayintheclouds · 19/06/2018 11:15

Some background.

I got married in February. Had known DH for a year. We enjoyed each others company, had the odd disagreement, but overall it was good. We had fun together.

Marriage so far feels like a disaster. A lot of this has been caused by things beyond our control - a house we purchased which is falling apart, big financial pressures etc.

Arguments are occurring all the time. And it's just turned into a depressing void of stress and I'm just struggling to cope and to know what to do, whilst also trying to hold together a career and all the pressures that go with it.

What to do?

OP posts:
Monday55 · 19/06/2018 11:26

If it's things out of your control then you need to stick together for better for worse.

I doubt marriage is 100% easy for everyone. It's the hard times you'll look back at and see where you've come from and it will bond you even closer.

MoonsAndJunes · 19/06/2018 11:27

Don't have DC.

Talk to him & decide together if this is working & worth saving. If not, pull out.

LovelyBath77 · 19/06/2018 11:28

Is the stress coming from your marriage though? It sounds like ti is coming from other things. maybe if you can sort out those it will be OK.
It doesn't help to expect an ideal view of marriage either, it is a work in progress. Expecting it all to be wonderful doesn't help, sometimes. Being more realistic might be better?

PinkHeart5914 · 19/06/2018 11:39

So you got married after just a year? That is pretty quick and I imagine there is a lot you still don’t know about each other tbh so your still learning. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is a marriage. Marriage isn’t magically wonderful it’s takes work like anything.

A marriages have stress from time to time especially if you are having financial problems or you house falling apart!

You need to learn to talk to each other, you work together in hard times and you survive them. Otherwise divorce

FizzyGreenWater · 19/06/2018 11:44

Had known DH for a year.

That's absolutely nothing. Even now, you have only 'known' your own H for around, what, 15 months? You don't know your H, he's still a totally unknown quantity. You're now getting to know him, and that could be the problem - that actually you are really not suited to one another and won't stay in a relationship. Or, it could as you say be the pressures of your circumstances. Mind you, it's during times like that that we really do get to know our partners, so...

Look, there is little you can do about this except pootle on right now and see how it pans out. Live life, try and deal with the stresses, keep talking to one another. And DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

Over the next year or so you'll get to properly know this virtual stranger you've married and you'll work out whether you should stay together or simply divorce.

KirstenRaymonde · 19/06/2018 11:47

A year is nowhere near long enough to get to know a life partner. How old are you both? Are you talking about the problems?

Original poster
awayintheclouds · 19/06/2018 11:52

I feel the stress has been caused by other factors (mainly), but our approach to dealing with things is different, and it feels like we've turned on each other.

But yes, I accept, unrealistic expectations could be part of the problem - I guess we all have this dream of living 'happily ever after'.

OP posts:
Original poster
awayintheclouds · 19/06/2018 11:54

We're 26 & 28.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 19/06/2018 11:54

But it's not a case of unrealistic expectations at all. It's just that you don't know each other very well. So it could just be that you're naturally pulling away from one another as you realise you're just not all that well suited deep down - 'Our approach to dealing with things is different.' - etc.

BastardGoDarkly · 19/06/2018 11:55

Do you love him? You haven't said?

When you envisage not living/being/talking with him, how does that feel?

PinkHeart5914 · 19/06/2018 11:55

Trouble is happily ever after is only for fairytales, real life isn’t like that. Nobody is going to be happy every day until they die everyone suffers stress, sadness etc from time to time

I think some people have the fairytale dream but they normally come crashing down to real world with a bump....

FizzyGreenWater · 19/06/2018 11:56

Time really is the only thing to sort this.

You'll have to give it a year at least to have a better idea of the kind of person he is and whether he really is the person for you and whether it is worth working on. Before that, you really are making stabs in the dark!

pennylulu · 19/06/2018 12:02

@awayintheclouds

You haven't known each other 5 minutes. It takes YEARS to get to know someone.

You will of course get some posters saying they met their man and married him within 3 months and are still together 30 years later yawn.....

The reality is, no way in hell should you get married a year after meeting someone. I would want to live together at LEAST 2 or 3 years before getting married.

I also find

"We enjoyed each others company, had the odd disagreement, but overall it was good. We had fun together" an odd statement.

I see no mention of loving each other there.

In fact you don't mention love in ANY of your posts...

Sorry it's not working out. Start divorce proceedings, it's never going to get better. Especially as there appears to be no love there. Get out before kids come along.

Original poster
awayintheclouds · 19/06/2018 12:02

I do love him, but the happiness is fading. I feel like I know him better, and he is a lovely person, but everything just feels too much.

I guess I do feel the problem is more me than him and the fact I am feeling unhappy all the time.

OP posts:
Kezzie200 · 19/06/2018 12:02

Things are also compromises. Are you still expecting everything to be done your way and him his? As you have hit some snags very early on it could be the learning to compromise which is raising its head or, indeed, you may not be right for each other.

My husband and I often disagree on stuff and we keep going until we find what we do agree on, or a compromise (depending on what the issue is).

I agree with the other posters - don't have a child until all of this is sorted out.

WillowRose79 · 19/06/2018 12:09

You really haven't been married long- do you want a divorce already? You and your H need a big chat and you need to see where his head is at. Maybe see a marriage councillor?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/06/2018 12:09

Quite a few relationships move from fairy tale to reality. How long did you live together before getting married given that you have only known each other for a year.
Is what you fundamentally liked about your DH still there underneath all the other stuff? If so, then you need to find a way you can work through problems as a team.

Takfujuimoto · 19/06/2018 12:09

Happily ever after doesn't just happen to you, you make it happen for you with hard work and compromise and even then its always a work in progress.

You have to see yourselves as a team, you have to think about your spouse and hopefully they will do the same.
When the shitty bits happen you have to do what's best for you both, no longer is thinking singularly helpful.
There has to be honest conversation, realistic expectations, balanced decisions and goals that you both want to work towards.

You should be supporting and comforting each other not lashing out blame where there is none.

Do you want this to work?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/06/2018 12:10

You can't divorce until you've been married a year anyway.

Dobbythesockelf · 19/06/2018 12:11

Are either of you compromising at all? Discussing things before making a decision? Or do you both think you are right? You have only known each other 15months, have you lived together before the wedding? It's a steep learning curve living with someone. And no marriage is happy 100% of the time. If there is no compromise to be found between you, then divorce now but definitely talk about things first.

pennylulu · 19/06/2018 12:13

Woah I didn't know you could not apply for a divorce until a year after you get married.

TheLionRoars1110 · 19/06/2018 12:17

Just because you have different ways of dealing with things doesn't necessarily mean your marriage doesn't work. What is it that he does that you don't like?
From what you've said so far you sound like you might have unrealistic expectations and were/are tad naive about relationships and the challenges people face.

LighthouseSouth · 19/06/2018 12:19

you mention financial pressures other than the house

are you arguing about how to handle them?

financial problems can put a dampener on anything. So do you think you are seeing things clearly? I can't see the wood for the trees if I'm worried about money or health.

Original poster
awayintheclouds · 19/06/2018 12:19

Yes I want it to work. I guess in a way it is the stress I want to escape from (I know it doesn't work like that), but right now it all seems so muddled in my mind, and every problem seems to be merging into one.

Thank you though for all the constructive points - they are helping. I am a strong personality, and sometimes I don't compromise enough. I'm certainly not sitting/typing believing the problem lies at every door but mine.

I think we need to sit down, talk about everything which is causing stress, and agree on an action plan. Sometimes I think stresses hit and panic/frustration turns into conflict.

About DC, don't worry, it's not on the cards. Unfortunately, we can't have children (this isn't something which causes tension between us though, and is something we accept).

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 19/06/2018 12:25

Hmm. Is it worth saving, or is this a 'starter marriage' that is past its useby date?
Does either of you go in for name-calling, throwing things, slapping or pushing the other? If so, end the marriage now: that level of contempt and spite is not something you can mend.
If you feel there is still a base level of mutual goodwill, affection, desire and respect then it might be worth looking into some type of couple counselling - or counselling for yourself if he doesn't like the idea (some people feel counselling is a wanky waste of time and, given the unregulated nature of the profession and the lucky-dip aspect of whether you get a competent one or a fucking idiot, they're not necessarily wrong).

Or, if the worst problems are money/the house, maybe get some advice on how to sort that out - is the house worse than you were led to believe, for example? You might be entitled to some sort of compensation if the sellers were a bit too economical with the truth...