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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To no longer want to be with DH

50 replies

awayintheclouds · 19/06/2018 11:15

Some background.

I got married in February. Had known DH for a year. We enjoyed each others company, had the odd disagreement, but overall it was good. We had fun together.

Marriage so far feels like a disaster. A lot of this has been caused by things beyond our control - a house we purchased which is falling apart, big financial pressures etc.

Arguments are occurring all the time. And it's just turned into a depressing void of stress and I'm just struggling to cope and to know what to do, whilst also trying to hold together a career and all the pressures that go with it.

What to do?

OP posts:

Tambien · 19/06/2018 12:28

I wouldn't give up just now.

All the posters who are saying you do t k ow him, no way you should have got married etc... what’s the point? It’s done now and the OP can hardly go back to being bf/gf together can she?

I think you need to sit down and work these outside issues. Actually I wouod encourage you to find a good couple counsellor that can guide you through it.
Because it might well be that you are totally unsuitable afterall.
OR that you’ve had a lot of crap thrown your way and it just hard to deal with it all.
The difference between a new couple and one that has been there 19 yearsis that the longer relationship can still draw onto happy times/memories to get through the hard patch.
As you dint have that, look for support. It might work out much better than some posters seem to predict.

Tambien · 19/06/2018 12:30

And YY as SGB says, if there is name calling, pushing, throwing things etc. involved then you have an abuive relationship ans you need to leave.

ScarlettSahara · 19/06/2018 12:31

I would be very wary of any advice to start divorce proceedings OP.
Only you know how you truly feel deep down.

As others have said it is still very early days in your relationship. Relationships do develop over time and feelings fluctuate. The dizzying romance doesn’t always stay the same especially when you have outside worries and it can be quite normal for doubts and fears to set in.

You say your DH is a lovely man. You can have a future together even if you have different approaches to things. Most couples that have been together long term seem to say they have learnt the art of compromise & I feel this is ok providing that it is not always the same person compromising.

I would give myself time to work through this. I agree with others - don’t rush into having a baby.
Perhaps questions to ask yourself would be - Do we both want the same things out of life?
Do we enjoy each other’s company?
If I was ill would he be there looking after me? (and vice versa).
How would I feel if he was not there every day?

Nobody and no relationship is perfect and they all have their ups & downs.
Hope things work out for you whatever you decide.

Branleuse · 19/06/2018 12:33

bloody hell, how come you rushed into marriage so quickly? You barely know each other.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 19/06/2018 12:36

You got married during your relationship's honeymoon phase so the dynamic is naturally going to shift. Assuming you're in England or Wales pp is correct that you have to be married at least a year before starting divorce proceedings (not sure about Scotland or elsewhere) so it's probably worth trying to work things through, maybe with counselling?

ScarlettSahara · 19/06/2018 12:39

So sorry OP - just seen your update about children - please excuse me for mentioning it again.

DiegoMadonna · 19/06/2018 12:40

Have you been in relationships of this length before? Things always change around the 2/3 year mark as you come out of the honeymoon stage. I had 3 relationships that failed at that point in my teens/20s. Adding on external stresses at the point is only going to make it seem worse.

If you think you really want to stay with him long-term, then my advice would be to discuss with him how these things are affecting your relationship and acknowledge that together so that you can consciously make more of an effort to make things better between you.

FlyingElbows · 19/06/2018 12:40

The thing about getting your "happily ever after", op, is that you have to work really really hard for it. Disney showed you the romance and the sparkly frocks but they didn't show the hard slog between the fairytale wedding and the happily ever after. I'm sure Cindarella spent many times daydreaming about bludgeoning Prince Charming to death with a pumpkin and he could have happily chucked her in a dungeon with her stupid shoes , we all do. But you work, and you ride the hard times together and you make a bloody effort. You barely know each other, you've got a long way to go.

gillybeanz · 19/06/2018 12:46

You can't have known one another after just a year, so I'm not sure whether you need to look at your marriage or the stresses of home ownership and general life.
There's only you who knows if you love him or not.

GeekyBlinders · 19/06/2018 12:51

I hadn’t been with DP very long when my brother died. Even though I loved DP and our relationship was fine, I was so miserable about my brother that I nearly split up with DP. I felt like I was so unhappy that I was just thrashing about trying to regain control of my life and dumping DP was one way to effect a change (even though that would have been a terrible change, actually!). Anyway, long story short, I didn’t do it and now we have a child together, a home, and are getting married soon.

My laboured point is, don’t take the external stressors you’re experiencing out on your relationship. If it’s external things that are making you unhappy, not the relationship, give it more time before you make a decision you may regret later.

LiveatCityHall · 19/06/2018 12:51

Marriage takes work, by both partners. Also, the first year of marriage is the hardest but you have to be prepared to put the work in in order to get through the troughs, especially as the highs are so worth it!

Talk to your husband and be open with him about how you're feeling. If you've not spoken to him, you may find he's feeling exactly the same way. This way you can work through things together.

So you've only been together a short time - who cares? As long as you love him and as long as you're willing to talk it out, you can probably get through the other side and can start on your life together.

I got engaged to my DH after 6 months and we're celebrating our 20 year wedding anniversary in November. It was by no means easy, but I love the bones of him and I'm still finding out new things about him. I have friends who were together for 10 years before getting wed and their marriage didn't make 12 months. Only you really know how you feel and if you love him, I'm sure you can make it work.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/06/2018 12:57

And if you find, after thinking it through, that you would be better off separating, try to make it quick and clean and as reasonable as possible, and don't fret about it too much. There is more to life than a longterm couple relationship anyway. Too many people get married and only realise afterwards that not only is the person they married not a good fit for them, but marriage itself is not what they really want. The smarter, luckier ones act on this when they work it out. The unfortunate ones stay put, making themselves and the other partner miserable because 'marriage has to be worked at' and 'you have to grow up and settle down (ie live a dull, joyless life just so people believe you're 'normal').

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/06/2018 13:01

I think post-marriage depression is a real thing. You say you've moved - are you far away from your family and friends now? Do you stay in more, socialise less? Has your DH become your main source of company and conversation?

I think it's too easy to get married and drop your previous life like a stone... without realising that your previous life was what was making you happy!

I would:

See your friends more, much more;
Ensure you're keeping in touch with everyone;
Eat healthy and exercise;
Plan something (even tiny) for you and your DH to look forward to;
Work as a team on the house stuff;
Shag as often as possible.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 19/06/2018 13:02

Marriage after a year means you probably haven't experienced a lot of stresses together - give it time if you can bear to and see if you can't work your way through the external issues and come out stronger.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/06/2018 13:03

And you can be just as happy after a quick engagement as you can by living together for a century first.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 19/06/2018 13:03

Marriage takes work.
I’m not judging you for getting married so quickly. I got married a year and a half after meeting DH. Many challenges, all external. It took us years to get to know each other and think of us as a unit rather than individuals. We didn’t have kids until we felt we were strong together. Glad we waited because having a kid wasn’t straightforward, and we lost our son at birth. That sort of thing could wreck a couple if already in unstable footing. So don’t get pregnant - definitely not as a way to hold marriage together!
As long as there’s mutual respect you can try counselling to see if it is workable or at least split amicably. But try to also have a realistic view of things. Couples disagree, life is stressful, and marriages take work! It’s worth it in many cases though because of the good stuff. But it’s not 100% good stuff!

StaySafe · 19/06/2018 13:07

What a load of twaddle about 12 months being too short a time to know someone before getting married. DH and I met on holiday in October, were engaged before we got home and only delayed the wedding until the next August as we could not get a nice venue before then. We will have been married for 34 years in August and I have just posted in the "do you still fancy your DH?" thread with a big yes. OP, your marriage does seem to have problems and maybe couples counselling is the way forward, the problems however are probably not much to do with the short duration of your relationship.

Haberpop · 19/06/2018 13:11

I think the roughest patch in a marriage is the first year or two because you are having to learn to live together, add into that fact that you barely knew each other before you got married and things are bound to be tough. The reality is that marriage is hard work, it takes work and a desire to stick to it. Talk about it, try to get out and do things together (even if it is just a walk) also get out and do things separately so you have things to talk about outside of the stresses and strains of marriage and home ownership.

borlottibeans · 19/06/2018 13:19

It took us a couple of years at least before we got good at working through stressful stuff and arguing constructively. The key was that we both wanted to make it work, and we still do work at it though it got a lot easier as we came understand each other better.

We didn't get married for over 10 years though (in fact we've only been married as long as you have!) and I'm wondering if part of the problem is that you've both gone into this with an idea of what marriage in general should be, rather than of what marriage specifically to each other was likely to be like?

Original poster

awayintheclouds · 19/06/2018 14:16

These replies are really helpful - I'm genuinely appreciative. I think I'm allowing external pressures to cloud my view of things, and allowing them to cause rifts with DH that aren't necessary. I don't want to give up on it, but I also need to learn to separate some of my feelings, and to learn how to better communicate with DH when problems arise, so bad feelings are less likely to occur.

To answer some questions - yes we've moved, and don't know people in our new city, so I guess I also feel a little socially isolated, and we don't really have time apart/with friends - and as much as I love having a partner, I've always also valued having some time to my own (just an hour or two a week etc) and this isn't happening right now (apart from work).

I think maybe we just need to sit down, talk about the stresses, and focus on learning to enjoy spending time with each other again, even when dealing with stressful situations/

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 19/06/2018 17:52

Oh FFS, please ignore the shit about how marriage 'takes work'. It's one of the Big Lies fed to women. How many times do you hear men told that marriage is work? Work, to men, is what they do for pay. The 'work' that women are constantly pushed to do to Save The Marriage always involves shutting up, smiling, putting out, doing all the fucking housework, compromising and compromising.
WHY SHOULD YOU BOTHER? Dick is abundant and low value. Men are replaceable - if the one you're with is not making your life better, bin and move on.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/06/2018 20:34

Isn't marriage about more than just "dick"?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/06/2018 20:34

Although I do like your attitude on this!

GeekyBlinders · 19/06/2018 22:04

I’m on the fence about that. Marriage isn’t ever going to be all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, and it’s unreslistic to expect it would be. But I agree that if, on the whole, it’s harder work than being alone would be, if it’s mostly not enjoyable, if you’re the one doing all the emotional or physical heavy lifting, if you could live without your husband quite happily, you should call it a day.

DiegoMadonna · 19/06/2018 23:38

I don't think that's what it means though. It just means that even though you know you want to be with someone long-term (ie. you know that being on your own or with somebody else would be worse), sometimes you go through patches where the relationship isn't perfect, but you communicate and work things out rather than breaking up after 10 years just because of a few difficult months.

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