Should I let my mum kiss my baby?

[birthofawoman]

I have a one month old baby and my mum's boyfriend has HSV1 (oral herpes). He gets lesions quite frequently, and seems to put a cream on his lip the moment he feels a tingling sensations before the lesion appears (indicating that he is 'shedding' the virus). My mum insists that she refrains from kissing him during his initial 'shedding' period and whilst his lesions are present (although I'm sure there's also a post-lesion 'shedding' period? My mum hasn't mentioned refraining from kissing him during this period, though). Whilst she has never presented with any lesions herself, I'm aware that she could be a carrier of HSV but just be asymptomatic?

I've seen what happens to babies that contract the virus, and it's quite disastrous. I also don't think it's fair that my baby should potentially have to live with the physical, medical and social implications of having HSV because my mum happens to have a boyfriend with the virus at this period in her life (and made her own decision to risk contracting it).

Am I being unreasonable to feel that my mum should refrain from kissing her grandson? I know it's a really unfortunate and quite impolite thing to request.

I don't at all look down upon people who do have the virus, it's just not an outcome that I think is ideal for a baby.

Do you also not allow your baby to travel by car? You are far more likely to be in a fatal collision than to have the very rare reaction to the herpes virus but I bet you don't think anything of putting the baby in the car daily or more than once daily.
If I end up with a daughter in law like you I would hope my son would tell you to wind your neck in.

@zeeboo I have mentioned having health anxiety, which causes me to think and feel the way I do towards this matter. Your example isn't one that would trigger my health anxiety as it's not illness-related.

Okay I had no idea this was so serious. MIL gets cold sores, I'll leave it to my husband to tell her not to kiss our daughter.

I believe you are always shedding the coldsore virus... You're just more contagious when you have one.

I’ve never heard that about Afro-carribean communities, op. I was raised in a Caribbean/West Indies country. When I first got a cold sore, my black friends told me to put ear wax on it. They certainly didn’t make me feel bad about it (and still shared a joint with me when I had one, but used the other side of my mouth). Your community sounds they’re just as likely to judge someone over a spot on their cheek, or a ‘acne vulgaris papule’

@birthofawoman you need to get some help for your anxiety.

Not because of the risk of herpes to your child but the much more probable risk that your child will pick up on your anxiety - this really does not help children to feel safe and secure.

Children are walking public health hazards - you are in for a very miserable life if you do not get support for your anxiety - because there is ALWAYS a risk that something could escalate into something more serious / sinister.

Eg a cut from falling in the garden could lead to sepsis, chicken pox could lead to blindness/brain damage , irecurrent ear infections could lead to hearing problems . It is never ending.

Nobody is allowed to kiss my baby. It horrifies me when people ignore my instructions. They kiss him on his hands and I stop him putting his hands in his mouth then wash them as soon as I can get him in private. Or they kiss him on the head and I worry myself sick. I don't like people holding or cuddling him in case they try to kiss him. Once a mentally disabled relative with active cold sores attempted to kiss him and I literally stuck my hand between her mouth and my baby's face. I can't wait until he's too big for people to try to cuddle and kiss him. You definitely ANBU.

@CanaBanana if you carry on like this your child will have mental health issues never mind cold sores.

I see it day in day out in my work . Parents as you describe who the children have then developed learnt behaviours from in response to perceived threats .

When parents are worrying about people showing their children love acceptance and affection we have an awful out to worry about as a society.

Did you know that many viruses are not symptomatic during the most infectious duration of the illness . How do you plan to get round that ??
Make all people in the room wear masks ??

Im totally not fussed about my child catching a curable virus. I just don't want him catching an incurable one with lifelong consequences, such as herpes.

@CanaBanana
All viruses carry the risk of lifelong compications.

Absolutely not.

I'm right in thinking that your Mother has not got cold sores?
So how can she pass on something that she hasn't got?

No, no and hell no. YANBU I wouldn't allow kissing either on the face, head or hands. The risk albeit low, far outweighs the issue of possibly offfending someone.