Should I let my mum kiss my baby?

[birthofawoman]

I have a one month old baby and my mum's boyfriend has HSV1 (oral herpes). He gets lesions quite frequently, and seems to put a cream on his lip the moment he feels a tingling sensations before the lesion appears (indicating that he is 'shedding' the virus). My mum insists that she refrains from kissing him during his initial 'shedding' period and whilst his lesions are present (although I'm sure there's also a post-lesion 'shedding' period? My mum hasn't mentioned refraining from kissing him during this period, though). Whilst she has never presented with any lesions herself, I'm aware that she could be a carrier of HSV but just be asymptomatic?

I've seen what happens to babies that contract the virus, and it's quite disastrous. I also don't think it's fair that my baby should potentially have to live with the physical, medical and social implications of having HSV because my mum happens to have a boyfriend with the virus at this period in her life (and made her own decision to risk contracting it).

Am I being unreasonable to feel that my mum should refrain from kissing her grandson? I know it's a really unfortunate and quite impolite thing to request.

I don't at all look down upon people who do have the virus, it's just not an outcome that I think is ideal for a baby.

Yep, I am.

I don't like anyone kissing babies on anything other than their head, it made me cringe with all of mine. I always wonder why people think it's fine. Yanbu to say no kissing of the baby.!
My youngest is 13 months now and both sets of grandparents kiss her on the lips I hate it!! But everyone thinks I'm bonkers.

My granny used to always say to me "never kiss your baby" and "never let anyone kiss your baby" and I did explain several times that I don't get cold sores (and I can't help but kiss my own DC) but I would not let others kiss them whilst they were babies.

So I'd say a blanket rule on any baby face/hand kisses (as you never really know who they have been kissing, or how tingly their lips are)

No ex kissed our baby when he a few weeks old and he passed it on to him!!! No kisses!!!!!

Just say, ‘don’t kiss my baby on the lips.’

You do realise that it’s very likely you also have the cold sore virus, right? The vast majority of people do.

Just to add some interesting facts about the cold sore virus (because I’m not tired and can’t sleep ).
It’s estimated that 3.7 billion people on earth have the virus...2/3 of all people.

80% of people with the virus are asymptomatic, making it pretty likely you have the virus (and your mother).

Most people catch the virus as a baby or young child.

Having the cold sore virus actually makes you less likely to catch genital herpes. You have 40% less chance of catching it as your body’s antibodies for the cold sore virus help to fight off the genital herpes virus. Yay for cold sore viruses ;)

Maternal antibodies pass to the baby for cold sores in the womb, if she has the virus (which, as said before, most people on this planet do).

World has gone mad.

Only on Mumsnet do a majority of people say "no kissing the baby"

Honestly ridiculous - children will have no immune system at this rate and childhood cancers will go on the increase - yes there is evidence for this in the medical field.

Thank you all for your helpful responses.

Ansumpasty very much aware of this, but thanks! As a previous poster pointed out, I posted the same thread in another topic. In that topic I explain that I'm fairly certain that I don't have the virus as I suffer from quite bad hypochondria/health anxiety and this often results in neurotic behaviour such as taking private herpes antibodies tests (which I did recently - came back negative for HSV1 and HSV2... got my partner to do the same and his results were the same. Neither of us kiss anybody other than each other, and our child).

NoMudNoLotus we're not talking about all viruses here, just HSV. Not wanting your child to contract HSV (which results in both visual/social implications as well as just physical/medical) will hardly result in an overall weak immune system. We're talking about 1 virus here. There are plenty other viruses for children to catch.

Also, experiencing illness isn't the only way to build a strong immune system. What about diet and lifestyle?

Very young babies do not have a strong immune system AT ALL and it is NOT helped by intentionally exposing them to infections at that age. Later, yes. Under 6 months, at the very least, NO. Babies that age can become very sick and even DIE from some infections, such as herpes and even whooping cough (pertussis).

I have developed a cold sore this morning and had been kissing baby all night before it got obvious... just oh the head.

Clearly I’m very stupid. Didn’t know implications and my baby is 5 months.

I need to check that he will b ok

yummysushi I did the same (not kiss as I tend not to kiss my babies on the lips, but shared a spoon and then felt the bubble a couple of hours later). I asked my dr and he actually laughed and said, ‘it’s harder than you realise to pass these things on.’ Chances are, your baby has the antibodies from you anyway.
Think of all the millions of people with cold sores kissing their baby, or sucking their dirty dummy and then giving it to them. The horror stories are very very very rare, hence why they make it into the news. They often involve a premature baby, or a baby with another health condition.

Op, you are going to spend your entire life frantic about your children if you don’t try and tackle your health anxiety. Everyone worries about their children anyway, without health anxiety on top. They will get sick, they will eat things from the floor that can potentially make them ill, they will bang their head during a fall and leave you watching them for signs of concussion for days. You have to find a way to deal with it otherwise life will be awful for you. You’ll also end up giving it to them. I have health anxiety that used to be a lot worse. My mum is the same.
I would say one of the worst things you can do is post health worries on here. Keep off no more panic, too. These things only reinforce your worries. Have you tried CBT?

I thought it's common knowledge that you don't kiss the hands or face of a new baby? Not just because of herpes but because of colds or other viruses that can be serious/fatal to a newborn?

I have developed a cold sore this morning and had been kissing baby all night before it got obvious... just oh the head
Clearly I’m very stupid. Didn’t know implications and my baby is 5 months. I need to check that he will b ok

Is it your first cold sore or have you had them before? If you've had them before/during pregnancy your baby should have some immunity to the virus as he'll have received your antibodies in the womb.

I have cold sores and have done since catching it from an adult as a baby. With my dc I have always used the patches as soon as I think I am getting one a refrain from kissing them at all till completely gone. They now understand but didn't when tiny. I haven't passed it on yet.

My understanding is that any risk of passing on without presenting as having sores yourself hasn't been proven.

Your comments re your mums bf seem extreme is it something else that is clouding your view? Luckily for me I have also found someone who is willing to risk their life by being with me even though I have this affliction!

@YummySushi wish I could say that feeling goes away but unless you never kiss them again it won't

I don’t understand why you don’t just show your Mum all the news reports/medical info about how badly cold sores can affect a baby, that it is potentially fatal. Surely she doesn’t want any harm to come to her grandchild? Why would she think you were being unreasonable to ask her to avoid kissing?

Separately, perhaps you could rein in all the “social implications” rhetoric about cold sore sufferers though? We are not lepers, just people who get a nasty scab on our faces now and again and feel pretty ugly as a result. It’s not stopped me making friends or functioning in society!

Yes - while u understand your concern - you have every right to say no kidding - you could dial down the drama a tad - it’s a cold sore - all this HSV and lesions is a bit ott !

Jessie I agree...I got my first cold sore as an adult and am yet to witness any social implications? My husband kisses me when I have one, he really couldn’t care less. He’s never had one and never catches mine, even kissing it directly.

It is a bit odd referring to a cold sore with the proper viral name. It’s a minor sore that you are more unusual not being immune to, not HIV. As said before, it can actually work to a persons advantage. I’d much rather my children have the cold sore virus and have a much smaller chance of getting genital herpes.

I think OP, with her admitted health anxiety, spends way to much time on medical websites and has got caught up in the terminology.

Hi, everyone. Just to clear a few things up...

The medical terminology is definitely a result of my health anxiety. The fear of illness causes you to view the world through a very medical lens. I understand why it would sound dramatic and ott to someone who doesn't have or understand health anxiety. Secondly, me mentioning 'social implications' of having a cold sore is based on the community in which I'm from (Afro-Caribbean). Unfortunately, in my community there is still quite a negative view of such things and you're likely to be given a hard time for having a cold sore. I understand that the same cannot he said for other communities. For example, my mum's boyfriend is Eastern European and he and all his friends all get cold sores - he doesn't seem to be having any problems, socially.

I understand that my way of viewing the matter seems odd and harsh, but these are the reasons why. I haven't meant to offend anybody and am sorry if I have!

Your Mum is a presumably member of your community yet seems fine to have a boyfriend who suffers from cold sores?

You are not being unreasonable. This is something very serious especially with very young babies. Keep your child away from her if she refuses to listen to you.

@JessieMcJessie Yes. My mum and I are two different people. She was brought up in a children's home in Surrey, around almost no Afro-Caribbean people. I was brought up in East London, around lots of them. We have different life experiences and now different ways of thinking/feeling, as a result of them.

@JessieMcJessie Also, my mum is also 52 and has reached that point in life where she's less affected by the views/opinions of others. I'm 24 so haven't quite reached that point in life yet.