To be struggling with pregnancy? **Title edited by MNHQ**

[LatoiyaLondon]

Have had a complicated pregnancy so far. Lots of bleeding, short cervix, threatened pre-eclampsia, minor anomaly on 20 week scan, reduced movements, hyperemesis (etc etc). We've now been told our baby might be poorly, but we can't be sure until results come back so fingers and toes crossed for us (and little one!).

I'm struggling being surrounded by people at work talking openly about their pregnancies and how great they feel, how smooth sailing it has been and how easy pregnancy has been for them (two other pregnant women in my office). Don't get me wrong I am so happy for them, but am quite tired of hearing it when I'm suffering in silence.

How do you get through the tough times? The agonising waits between scans/results, the not knowing and the ever creeping anxiety of a high risk, complicated pregnancy?

I'm not enjoying it at all, and after miscarriages and issues in the past I just can't get to grips with being pregnant and the stress that comes with it.

Would anyone like to advise me on any coping mechanisms? How to de-stress? How to deal with people asking 'how did your scan go?' and freezing because it didn't go so well...

Sorry, I don't mean the title to read that I am ungrateful so I apologise to those who are struggling to conceive (I've been there and know how awful it is). I'm just struggling myself and am finding being pregnant extremely difficult, and different to the fairy tale I naively hoped for.

I had years of infertility and then a high risk, stressful pregnancy with bleeds (but was obviously v lucky it wasn’t worse). It’s hard when you’ve wanted it for so long and I didn’t relax or really enjoy it much.

I don’t have many helpful tips I’m afraid as I also found it difficult having people blithely assume all well and wanting to chat. But I can relate! I used to tick days and weeks off on a calendar to see the time going past, and I used to read a lot about pregnancy and babies (because research comforts me!). And would pour out all my fears to DH.

I think you should ask MN to change the thread title. I just came on to say that you were ungrateful and entitled bearing in mind that thousands are struggling but having read your post obviously that's not what you meant with the title.

Sorry to hear you're struggling, pregnancy isn't a fairytale. It's bloody hard work and women aren't appreciated for what they go through. I'm not sure there is a way to 'de-stress', but talking time for you, calling in support when you need it and speaking to the MW if it all gets too much can't hurt. Unfortunately the stresses and worries don't end when they're born so you do right to look for new coping strategies now before you're having to deal with a baby every day. Good luck

Good luck and . I would of course go through it all very happily again for the sake of my DS!

In fact, I didn’t complain about being pregnant once to anyone except DH because of the years of wanting it. But that can be hard, because you feel you have to be grateful even to be miserable! I think for some people who haven’t struggled as hard to get there, they feel they can be more honest about good and bad, and probably letting out those feelings helps.

Sorry OP, I don't think there is anything that will make you more comfortable or worry less. BUT you're halfway there. In the context of the rest of your life, another 20 weeks is nothing.

Hope very much all is well with you and the little one.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time I had a similarly complicated pregnancy (cervix issues, pregnancy after loss) and even now I cannot talk about my pregnancy(/ies) if everyone else is talking about their easy pregnancies.

I have no advice really, all I could do is take it one day at a time. I wrote an anonymous blog which helped me vent to online strangers. I did not go into detail with those around me. I was signed off sick so I didn’t have to deal with colleagues but a bland ‘fine thanks’ or ‘as well as can be expected’ then change the subject should be fine to deal with any questions? Followed by ‘I don’t want to talk about it right now, I hope you understand’ to anyone that doesn’t take a hint.

Best of luck to you all

Sorry apples - I realised as soon as I wrote it. Have requested it to be changed. I hope I haven't offended. After struggling myself and having suffered miscarriages I feel sad that I could've made anyone feel bad.

Thanks folks. Minutes feel like hours at the moment.

I understand what you're going through. My pregnancy is a multiple one and very high risk with quite a few issues. I've had a miscarriage in the past too so I understand how you are feeling. I must say even though it's a multiple pregnancy the physical side has been the least concerning for me, it's the mental side that I struggle with weather it be my health, the babies health or what the future holds. The only advice I have is font Google, and if you do look up anything then always go to the NHS website. Good luck

I had similar thoughts to apples in terms of the thread title but I get what you meant by it. No one tells you that pregnancy after infertility isn’t necessarily all plain sailing. Kate Brian has written a book about it. Perhaps reading that will help pass the time and make you realise how many of us there are in a similar situation!

(Disclaimer I haven’t read the pregnancy sections of the book, it was too hard. I wanted to read the parenting advice)

Sorry blue I really didn't mean it in that way, I've requested it to be changed. I'll absolutely have a look for that book, anything to take my mind if the wait.

This one in case anyone is interested www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0749954019?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Ugh. Pregnancy is fucking horrendous in my personal experience, and anyone who tries to say you can't have a moan about it because you have to be grateful can get straight to fuck and stay there.

As far as colleagues or whoever are concerned, if they ask, answer honestly. How's it going? Not great, I've thrown up twice already today and my vag feels like it's been kicked by a horse. You don't owe them to put on an "everything's fine" act.

some don't get me wrong, this is my first time moaning. I feel bad about it. I'm just struggling, mentally more than anything else. Midwives should be picking up on these tough cases after lots of miscarriages and complications and looking very closely for symptoms of depression. I know, easier said than done.

Thank you blue

I could have written this. HG, IC, Constant urine infections, reduced movements and now a baby dropping in percentiles on a weekly basis. I’ve taken to bed and I have sent in a sick line, with all the physical issues I just can’t stand being at work and putting on a face. I was a total cow, I mean an absolute bitch to a lovely colleague a couple of weeks ago, who was simply taking an interest. Then I walked away from a conversation with a colleague because another colleague who happens to be the same stage in pregnancy came over to join us. It was something from mean girls! I can’t be myself and I’m risking to much trying to keep up the act badly. Not much help but if you can take time out do it, there is no point torturing yourself and others. I’ve taken to bed, joined mumsnet and alleviate the guilt reading the super bitchy and aggressive comments people leave on threads. Let’s me see I am not thee most rancid person on the planet....... but I come close. Stress is a strange thing

amy I know exactly how you feel. I hope you're ok in yourself. I'm struggling and only 21 weeks. The idea of 16-19 more terrifies me.

YANBU. I completely understand. We had a tough pregnancy with our daughter, abnormalities detected on her scans and wouldn't know how bad it was until she was born. We knew she would need multiple surgeries though. I felt I couldn't enjoy the pregnancy and just wanted it over, so I totally know where you are coming from! The way I dealt (and still do) with it was to only focus on the next thing and not try to think too far in the future. So I would only focus on the next scan or next test and once that was over move on to thinking about the next one. I still do this now with her surgeries (she is 2 years old and has had 2 so far, another 5-10 to come). I only think of the next one, it's the only way you can stop yourself going mad! I do wish I had tried to enjoy the pregnancy more instead of worrying so much. 9 months is quite a short time, though when you are going through it, it feels like a lifetime!

Surely for most people, when they say "oh yes it's wonderful", it's just lies said out of politeness. Strangers and colleagues don't want to hear about your giant piles, or horrific heartburn, or the fact you got up three times in the night to wee and are so tired and exhausted and fed up, so I lie, every time. I just do a bright breezy smile and say yes it's great thanks and move on. It doesn't mean it is.

Just grin and bear it and keep counting the days.

celestia thank you so much, and good luck for your daughters surgeries. Poor little chicken. It really is tough, and we only worry and stress because we care so damn much. I can feel my baby kicking me and feel so closely bonded to him/her but also feel distanced because I have no idea if he/she is ok or not. I'll focus on the next set of results and hope and pray that they come back ok

I understand. I've had a fairly easy pregnancy though I did have to have a CVS test and was extremely stressed waiting for results (came back fine). I'm currently waiting on gestational diabetes test, though I think I'm fine as I was fine with my first baby. I've had pain in my pelvis and prolonged morning sickness (I'm 27 weeks). All these issues can be overwhelmi g sometimes. You're made to believe being pregnant should be easy as it's "natural" and millions of women have doing it forever, but that's not true for everyone. Add in hormones, morning sickness, feeling huge and uncomfortable and it seems to me more surprising that more women AREN'T more pissed off.

Having trouble conceiving doesn't relieve any of that so go easy on yourself.

Are you sleeping ok? I've found going to bed early and/or a nap, even if it's just at weekends helps my anxiety. Also lots of venting to DH and my mum. Have you got people you can talk to and let off steam to? Check out old threads from MN too as many women feel like this.

Thank you half - sleeping 4/5 hours a night but it's because of my anxiety and being alone with lots of thoughts, paired with a snoring DP and kicking baby! I have a few people but not my family, I can't put them all through the same worry too. It's so hard to talk about without feeling as though you're putting it all on someone else...

She's doing OK thanks Latoiya, preparing for her next surgery now, but she deals with it all so well and is a beautiful cheerful little girl. I understand the feeling of wanting to bond but distancing yourself from your baby too. I did the same thing in case she did not make it. I found avoiding Facebook helped as every post about a happy normal pregnancy was like a dagger for me. Being honest with people about how your feeling will help too. Most people will understand if you don't want to discuss certain things. Wishing you all the very best, I know how hard it is.

celestia that's lovely to hear. I am sure she is a sweetheart and is worth the rough ride! I deleted Facebook and don't intend ever to reinstall! MN is now my only social media and it is great!