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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think dd shouldnt let him?

75 replies

upsideup · 18/06/2018 16:50

For sports day each class splits into random teams who practice together and then vote for which member they want to compete in each activity. Everyone in the team gets a prize if they win so you vote for the person most likely to. For one race another boy (B) said he thinks he should do it but when they practised dd was faster, all his friends voted for him anyway but dd got the most votes. DD is already doing another activity which no one else in her team wanted to do it and she has been picked to do this race for the last 4 years. B and his friends were really angry that dd was picked and have been really nasty to her since. Lots of saying she was cheating, 'but shes going to run like a girl/girls can't run', they all pointed and laughed at her legs saying they were too skinny for her to be able to run fast. When practising B grabbed both of dds plaits from behind and pulled her to the ground, he immediately started apologising and saying it was an accident (it clearly wasn't) so he was just told to sit out for the rest of the lesson.

Also since then B has just generally been a lot more bother in class so more stress for the teacher, constantly complain that its not fair he didn't get to do a game, He told dd that his mum was going to come in a complain, I don't know if she has but the teacher told dd today that its up to her what she decides but she wants to her to go home tonight and think about if she thinks it fair Or if she should give the boy a chance! DD doesn't want to let him do it but feels the teacher basically just told her she should (it sounds like that to me too).

OP posts:
iknowimcoming · 18/06/2018 17:09

I too would speak to the teacher and make it clear that your dd will not cave to this bully and ask the teacher to explain to this child for future reference that perhaps if he had spoken politely to your dd and asked her if she would let him do the race rather than pulling her over by her hair and generally being a shit - then the outcome might have been different. Raging on behalf of your dd, and I agree with pp's - he's in for a big shock in September!

YouBetterWORK · 18/06/2018 17:09

Ooo this pisses me off, the idea we all have to be nice girls and stand aside, roll over etc for the males!! And coming from a teacher too, capitulating to a boy's whims cause he's throwing a tantrum Angry he should be punished, not pandered!

No, no and no. She got the spot fairly. Ergo - it's fair, end of discussion. Any more pressure to give in by the spineless teacher and I'd be in asking what kind of message is she sending to girls, bet anything a boy wouldn't be told to "be nice" (give up your earned spot). Tell you what, if she's feeling benevolent at a push, then she can drop the activity no one wants to do and he can have THAT!

StormTreader · 18/06/2018 17:10

If the situation was reversed, I HIGHLY doubt the boy would give up his place in the race so that your DD got to do it instead.

Sounds like an early example of "she got the job I should have got, I'll tell everyone she slept with the manager because she couldn't possibly just be BETTER than me."

catandpanda · 18/06/2018 17:10

That's really bad of the teacher to put pressure on your DD to give in to bullying, teacher should be telling no to the Mum. I would write saying you have told your daughter not to give into bullying and to race and that you don't think she should have been put under pressure not to run.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/06/2018 17:10

Very similar bullying from boys happens at dds primary, and it's all very odd...

'You're slow at running. You run like a girl' from a boy to a girl who's just beaten him at running.

'You're stupid. You can't do maths.' From a boy on the bottoms table to a girl on the top.

And they believe them! Doesn't make sense.

Your dd should stand her ground, she won the race fair and square. It sends out completely the wrong message if he ends up doing the race. Good look to her.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/06/2018 17:11

"I've thought about it Miss and B is right - I do run like a girl. That's why I won, that's why I got voted in and that's how democracy should work..."

If the volunteered for event isn't one she cares about she COULD offer it to him

"...but if B wants to do X instead that would be fine if the group are happy"

But ONLY if she actually just did it to be nice.

StormTreader · 18/06/2018 17:13

"ask the teacher to explain to this child for future reference that perhaps if he had spoken politely to your dd and asked her if she would let him do the race rather than pulling her over by her hair and generally being a shit - then the outcome might have been different."

No, please don't do this - it just reinforces the idea that she should be expected to give in/agree just because he was a "nice guy". He doesn't get to run because he doesn't, its up to him to learn to deal with that.

Jaxhog · 18/06/2018 17:14

I might question the system, but there is no way your DD should allow a bully to stop her doing something that she, and the majority of other kids want her to do. I'm appalled that her teacher asked her to 'consider what's fair', imp;lying that she has to back out.

And this:
What is the point in voting someone to represent the team when the boys can just bully the girls into not competing?

Brakebackcyclebot · 18/06/2018 17:17

FFS. What is "fair" is that DD won the race & the vote. Full stop.

MrsClutterworth · 18/06/2018 17:17

If I were you I would honestly go in and speak to the teacher yourself. That's unacceptable. So he's to do it because he's throwing a strop and somehow it means your daughter is being unfair? I wouldn't stand for that. Seriously, consider speaking to the teacher and telling them you're totally baffled that they're basically allowing bullying behaviour. Not on at all!

AnnieAnoniMouser · 18/06/2018 17:17

No bloody way.

There was a vote, DD won. IF he had asked nicely, then maybe, if DD was feeling extremely kind. But he’s teased her, accused her of cheating & being crap and pulled her over by her hair. No fucking way should she let him take her place.

I’d be emailing words to that effect to the HOY or HOD above the teacher putting pressure on her too - that’s not acceptable.

Gemini69 · 18/06/2018 17:23

I'd go to the school and complain about the Teacher Flowers

Good luck to you Daughter.. I hope she runs like the wind Grin

JessicaJonesJacket · 18/06/2018 17:23

I'd say if the teacher has a problem with the system then she should raise it with whoever put it in place. But until the system is changed then DD will be running her races.
tbh the system sounds like a nightmare - it creates an atmosphere where there is a conflict between popularity and skill.

Quartz2208 · 18/06/2018 17:28

Complain to the teacher stating what you have said on this thread

Its s stupid way of doing it to be honest but that is up to the school to fix

lifetothefull · 18/06/2018 17:29

Kids like this boy can be very persuasive. If the teacher is less experienced, she may not have seen through him. It's quite difficult to stand your ground even as a teacher in this situation never mind as your dd. He will be lying to get his own way and it will be difficult to spot.
Your dd sounds determined and probably needs your help. You will be able to articulate that DD is NBU and she is perfectly willing to let boy do the other race, but not the one she earned her right to do . You will be able to get the message accross clearly, in a reasonable way . DD may not manage because the balance of power (child - teacher ) is not in her favour.

LighthouseSouth · 18/06/2018 17:30

OP she ran like a girl, fantastic!

so was the fastest, got the most votes etc.

go on. be that parent. Of course she shouldn't give her spot to the bully boy who can't manage his ego.

LighthouseSouth · 18/06/2018 17:30

PS did the teacher see that your DD was fastest? I just cannot comprehend how she even asked her to go home and think it over!!

diddl · 18/06/2018 17:35

B shouldn't be allowed to compete in anything!

GabriellaMontez · 18/06/2018 17:35

Out of interest is the teacher a man or woman?

upsideup · 18/06/2018 17:35

B doesnt want to do the other activity, dd doesnt paticularly want to either and has offered it to him.

OP posts:
ForgivenessIsDivine · 18/06/2018 17:36

A similar thing happened to my daughter two years ago, she was furious about how unfair it was and I don't think she has ever forgiven the teacher who made the decision or those who backed her up. In her case, the needs of one boy were put ahead of a whole class of girls so the boys won two mixed races (it was three legged so 4 gold medals) instead of there being a boys race and a girls race.

Please please please stand up for your daughter in this and encourage the teacher to support your daughter and explain to the boys who are behaving badly that this is completely unacceptable. Give her a copy of Mary Beard's Women and Power.

The previous poster summarised nicely:
She was the fastest, she was voted for, the boy in question pulled her plaits and pulled her to the ground, the other boys have been bullying her, being misogynist and wrong (runs like a girl but actually faster than the boy in questions... serious gender issues going on here).

If you can, I would request a meeting with the teacher before school tomorrow.

If not, I would write to her and suggest that she should not be asked to give up the place nor should she have to justify why she should keep it. Copy the head master, any staff with responsibility for inclusion, bullying, pastoral care..

Big hugs to you and your daughter.. she is right, the teacher and the boys are wrong.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 18/06/2018 17:41

She should not stand aside
She should not be kind
She should not consider the feelings of others

He should stand right where he is, in second place
He should be punished for his physical mistreatment of your daughter
He should be punished for allowing or encouraging his friends to bully your daughter.

WHY SHOULD WE INSIST THAT GIRLS BEHAVE IN THIS WAY WHEN BOYS ARE ALLOW TO BULLDOZE OVER THE RIGHTS AND FEELINGS OF GILRS??

Moonflower12 · 18/06/2018 17:42

🔼 this -in spades.

Is it a Male or female teacher?
If Male is that how he gets his own way?

Outlookmainlyfair · 18/06/2018 17:43

The teacher should be ashamed. He can’t stand up to the bully (from what you say) so is emotionally blackmailing your daughter? Is that a fair summary?

upsideup · 18/06/2018 17:44

Its actually a female teacher

OP posts: