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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do You Fancy Your Partner

72 replies

WatchedSportAllWeekend · 18/06/2018 16:07

I was married for 25 years.

I have been with my current partner for about 3 years & we have been living together for about 8 months.

I’ve been feeling a bit blurgh about us for a few weeks & over the weekend I realised I just don’t fancy him .
We get on well and as with all couples he annoys me as I’m sure I annoy him .

I just don’t know if I should look at him & think I want to rip your clothes off IYSWIM?

I’m mid 40s & wondering if this is it ?

OP posts:

Threewheeler1 · 18/06/2018 16:55

I'm in the Poudrenez & letstryagainaaahhhh camp.
19 years & it all ticks along but can't say I'm in a permanent state of 'must' around him (elephant style...)
I'm just happy to get back scratching, that's top of my list of needs.

Blerg · 18/06/2018 16:55

Contrary to what others have said I do think attraction can come back. Maybe in depends why it went, but as I get older I fancy my DH more than I did in the middle bit of our relationship. We've been together 18 years. I think he has hit a style groove that suits him more, he's aging well (better than me annoyingly) and I find myself thinking how great he looks. I sometimes wonder if it's some weird surge in fertility before it's too late! It helps a great deal that he is lovely to me and the kids and does his share all round.

bumblenbean · 18/06/2018 16:56

Yup still think DH is gorgeous, but obviously as time goes by it becomes Less of a ‘rip the clothes off’ feeling. But I do think attraction is critical. My ex was a great guy, life and soul of the party, made me laugh every day and very sweet but I just did not fancy him. I knew that from the start but hoped it would somehow ‘grow’. Nope. Ended up wasting 2 years of both our lives. It was horrible for him too as he knew that, whilst I loved him, deep down I just wasn’t attracted to him. Not fair on him at all and I should have been braver and ended it much sooner. As a result things ended pretty badly. I do miss his friendship even now and you can definitely love someone but not fancy them, but I just don’t think that’s enough in a relationship.

Good luck OP!

FairyFace · 18/06/2018 16:57

With DH 12 years, and if Im honest I fancy him more now than ever, he has gotten better looking with age if that makes sense, I love the fact that I always still find him the most attractive man in the room, a lot of that is down to an emotional connection aswell no doubt.

DN4GeekinDerby · 18/06/2018 17:00

Currently, yes. It may fluctuate a bit day to day but generally, I do quite a bit. I'm more a daydreamy flirty comment type of person that a ripping clothes off type. I'm we both do things that annoy one another though.

In the 16 years we've been together, there was a period of several months about a year or so ago where I very much did not. It was difficult, a combination of early menopause issues and depression and pain issues and life issues and just a bunch of nonsense in my head due to listening to the wrong people. I've found my body and my environment (both the space and the people I'm spending time with) have an impact on it.

critiqueofeveryday · 18/06/2018 17:03

I don't really know what 'fancy' means.

Do I want to have sex with him? Yes!
Do I think he's handsome and attractive? Definitely.
Am I hugely proud of what he's achieved? Absobloodylutely.
Do I think he's the kindest person in the world? Yes.

Do I feel that overwhelming crush of a teenage girl around him? No. But I would walk across fire for him if it were necessary, without asking questions.

DeputyBrennan · 18/06/2018 17:10

I've been with my fiancé for a similar length of time (a bit longer) to your relationship, and I definitely still fancy him a lot.

I was away working away last week and he met me at the train station on my return. I caught myself thinking 'gosh, he's gorgeous' when I spotted him in the distance, and almost felt weirdly shy. The overwhelming desire to have sex occurs less frequently than when we first met (though it's certainly not gone entirely), but I still fancy him just as much.

Theleftparing · 18/06/2018 17:12

Yes. He actually makes me weak and I do stare at him all the time! Luckily he feels the same.

We are both almost 50 BTW and have loads of amazing sex .

Choccyhobnob · 18/06/2018 17:14

I never really fancied my DH even at the beginning but after previous relationships with very attractive men who treated me like dirt the fact he treated me well, we had a good time and he was not bad looking meant that I fell in love with him anyway. Over the years he put on weight, developed low self esteem and depression as a result and I'll admit I hated having sex with him, only did it when drunk and then after our son was born it gave me a buy out for 2 years as the baby slept in bed with me and him in the spare room.

I was really bloody miserable if I'm honest as I used to have a high sex drive and I envied women who fancied their other half. He then took up a new sport, lost a lot of weight, started taking care of himself again which of course improved his self esteem and overall attractiveness and now after 16 years I do fancy him more than I used to which is nice. I've accepted he's never going to have the "Phwoar" factor though but we're happy enough.

Sorry if that makes me sound shallow as weight certainly isn't everything I know.

theycallmebabydriver · 18/06/2018 17:19

Been together 5 years and I fancy the pants off him. I genuinely think he's the sexiest man on earth although I'm well aware that anyone else looking at him would be a bit 'erm... ok then, good for you?'

QueenOfMyWorld · 18/06/2018 17:22

I didn't fancy my ex husband but he was the first person to treat me right after years of idiots.Big mistake,stuck it out for 8 years of a mostly sexless marriage

Jeni29 · 18/06/2018 17:22

I went through a stage where I didn’t fancy my other half but I didn’t fancy anything at all. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with endo and a year ago next week I had a laparoscopy, only recently has things started to go back to normal. I fancy my other half again and everything else that goes with it

Original poster

WatchedSportAllWeekend · 18/06/2018 17:26

@bumblenbean - I think my DP has picked up on my feelings as well. In the last week he’s constantly asking if I still love him. I do love him but I also want to be fair to him for him.

Thanks for all the replies- it’s given me lots to think about

OP posts:

virginwhocantdrive · 18/06/2018 17:27

since I lost respect for him sadly not any more. He's actually better looking than he was when I met him, he's aged very very well, but unfortunetly he has absolutely no ambition and no drive and never stands up for me in any situation.
since then I cringe when he comes near me. sadly I think our relationship is over.

Original poster

WatchedSportAllWeekend · 18/06/2018 17:49

@virginwhocantdrive - my DP has no ambition or drive either & it literally drives me to despair. He’s more than happy to only work 1 day a week & then watch TV all day.

I know he’s my ex but I’ve been used to a hard worker with drive

OP posts:

strawberryalarmclock · 18/06/2018 17:55

I think fancying someone intensely in the early days is a good sign the attraction will last. By that I mean full blown all consuming, knee trembling lust! I never had that with my ex dh despite loving him very much and over time I became less and less attracted to him. My dh literally made my head spin, I fancied him so much and 10 years on I still find him incredibly attracted but thankfully these days I'm not out of control with lust

bumblenbean · 18/06/2018 17:55

It’s a horrible situation for you both OP. I really sympathise. I think in the end only you can decide if you are willing to ‘settle’ for the relationship without that spark. In my case the decision was taken out of my hands because one day he’d had enough and ended it himself on the basis that he knew he wasn’t ‘enough’ for me and couldn’t bear to carry on knowing that. Was pretty awful, I wish I’d had the guts to do it earlier but it’s so hard when there are many good things about the relationship.

I hope it works out for you one way or another

Beaverhausen · 18/06/2018 18:00

Oh god yes! Been together 5 years both mid 40's and both still fancy the pants off each other.

LoveHateLove · 18/06/2018 18:03

Been together 8 years, married for 2 and I still feel my heart flutter when he takes his top off at bed time. Or when I see him with a towel wrapped round his waist after a shower and he has the most delicious bottom!

He's a very sexy man and I feel very lucky

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/06/2018 18:24

my DP has no ambition or drive either & it literally drives me to despair. He’s more than happy to only work 1 day a week & then watch TV all day

My goodness, of course you don't fancy him.

And you won't, as long as he carries on like that.

DragonSnaps · 18/06/2018 18:36

I still fancy my dh. We've been together for 6 and a half years, married for 2and a half. I still find him extremely attractive.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 19/06/2018 15:53

Can't keep my hands off him.

It helps that he's a bloody lovely DH as well, that's part of the attraction.

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