To find it impossible to make mum friends?

[Someonehelpmi]

I recently had to move back home to my family hometown after a very messy break up. I'm a young first time mum and out of the few of my friends who do still live here none of them have children and are very career orientated. I can't really rant or talk about motherhood and the ups and downs as they probably just get fed up. I've tried so many mum and baby groups but they are all really cliquey and find it hard to integrate when everyone already have their own friends and don't make an effort . At the moment it feels like my only friends are my mum and my little boy, I really want to get out there and make some new friends and do more but just keeping hirrinf dead ends. It's so lonely

You have all my sympathy.
I have a different situation but that same feelings of not making Mum friends.
I have my partner and my mum to keep me company but I have twins so when I go to groups I can't actually chat to any mums as I'm off in two different directions chasing toddlers. No one seems to get that I can't just sit and talk while focusing on one child so they don't bother talking to me.

Hi, just wanted to pop in and encourage you to keep trying as I know how intimidating it can be when it feels like all the other mums already know each other. Is there a local mums Facebook group for your area? I met some people by putting a post on mine suggesting a regular coffee meet up for second time mums in my case, and it turned out there was more lonely mums around than I had thought - you won't be alone

You say they don't make an effort. Do you make an effort?

I've never had mum friends. When my child was a baby, all the mum and baby groups were full of people who were already in cliques. I tried persevering with each group and made an effort to talk to people but no one was interested. If I was lucky, I'd get talking to a grandparent who was babysitting while the parents were at work.

My daughter is in primary school now and I still don't have mum friends. It doesn't really bother me now as I'm busy with other things but it did get lonely when she was a baby. It was very isolating, especially as a single parent.

Another person saying to keep trying. Just remember they’re probably all exhausted and just talking to the people they know a bit because it’s easier. It’s probably not as cliquey as you think. Keep going and when your kids gravitate towards each other you’ll have something to talk about.

I empathise as I know that cliquey groups are really difficult and are often not interested in breaking out and talking to someone else. Do you have any library rhymetime groups or soft play groups nearby? Just thinking that these are the type of places where mums night go alone with their children as not as part of their pre-established groups. Or they might not have any mum friends either. I know it's hard but keep trying.

After school, most peoples friendship groups come via the work place.
Is that an option for you?

YANBU it's really difficult. I think the mum and baby groups do tend to be cliquey and like you say people who already have lots of friends are often just not in the market for any more. I would at least take solace that things will improve probably once your DS is old enough to make proper friends in nursery at the very latest.

I would just try as many different places and activities as you can and keep putting yourself out there. You'll eventually find someone in the same situation as you or someone who is just more open to making new friends.

Talk to your HV. Ask her if she knows any one else who might be feeling a bit isolated - or maybe if she knows of any 'young Mum groups' you could hook up with.
Also try your local Children's Centre as they might have something going on, or at least know of something.

people will probably tell you that you will make mum friends when your kids go to school but ive found this to not be the case. i still have none.

Where are you based OP?

Is their local mum groups on facebook you could try?

Or even local nanny groups, they wouldnt u understand completely but they are normally fairly young

Try the Peanut app :)

Is there a local mums Facebook page you can join? One of my neighbours felt isolated after having her baby so she posted on the local page and got a massive response from lots of other local mums feeling the same way. A group of us meet up every week now and it makes such a difference. I also have my antenatal group but am only really close to one of the girls from that. You'll find your people, but I understand how tough it can be.

And I second speaking to your HV, they have helped a couple of my friends meet up with other mums nearby.

Spaghetti she's already said she tries how about some support ffs

A lot of the time cliques just mean groups who know one another slightly better than you know them! Please keep attending different classes and groups, you’ll get there.

Try the mush app. Also make a bit of an effort to look nice at groups, hair, make up and nice clothes. Shallow I know, but people don't want to make friends with a scruff. I found this out the hard way. Other mums are starting to talk to me now rather than avoiding eye contact.

Can you use the meet up app?

Please keep trying with Playgroup, hopefully you can crack them!

If you have a local Facebook group post on it that you're new to the area and looking to make some friends. I'm sure that would work here.

Try netmums meet a mum page. I met up with a few people from there and put an advert up myself.

Whereabouts are you based?

I have huge sympathies. I moved from my hometown when pregnant and found it hugely isolating having a baby without a support network. He's 13 months now and I would say it's it's only been in the last couple of months that I feel like I'm making progress and that's from going to groups regularly and pushing myself forwards as much as my confidence would allow. Have you tried the mush app? It links you with local parents

@spaghettijumper yes

That's great - unfortunately you have to keep making the effort, because it takes a bit of time to find the right person/people and to start clicking with them. It is worth it though. I knew nobody when I moved when my DS was 8 months - not a single soul. 8 years on, I went out on Saturday with two women that I met at toddler group who are now two of my best friends - we spent the whole day chatting and drinking. I reckon it took about a year of seeing them twice a week before we became friends rather than acquaintances and another year or so after that to become as close as we are. Hang in there, keep going to the groups, keep chatting and you will find someone to click with.

Try the mush app! It's great and you can message local mums in your area and put posts up suggesting meet ups etc

Thank you everyone! Its so nice to see people being nice about it. I'm quite shy in social situations so have really had to push myself, at the mum.and baby groups because my little boy is still a baby (3 months) I guess it's hard for them to talk to me and relate when they have their hands full and vice versa. I tried a different one tlday which was baby yoga at the local library which was a lot less intimidating as you had something to focus on rather than sort of being forced into social situations

To those who asked I'm based in Newport in South Wales, the health visitor is the one who recommended baby yoga and rhyme time etc.

I'll take everyone's advice though and stick at it! 3 months isn't a very long time x