To ask if you think this is weirdly controlling

[Bonjourmonami73]

Closest friend has new partner. Haven’t seen a lot of her since she met him and she moved to a new town.
Her partner created a whatsapp group at the weekend to arrange a meet up for me & my friend with him in the group.
I kind of feel like if I want to arrange a meet up with my oldest friend, we can arrange it ourself and he doesn’t need to be involved.
Aibu? It made me feel really weird- like he wants to be involved in everything

To be honest- she’s been very defensive so I haven’t said anything at all. There have been some other weird things too but I have kept quiet.

Have the other things made you suspect he is controlling her?

Ah so she's already defensive? She knows he's out of line, then. Knows you are not impressed and exactly why too.

You have to box clever. If you push back, he will want to cut you out and he will do it easily if she is compliant - I wouldn't even risk the jokey push-back: 'Your friend is a bitch, she made a fool of me when I was only trying to be friendly, if you see her you're being disloyal to me' -etc.

I don’t want to go into too much detail for fear of outing myself but right from the start, he’s been funny about her friends. Like immediately Facebook requesting before he even met me (and other friends too) and really didn’t want to live in the town she lived in because of all her friends being there- she had to move to a new town and that happened quickly- within 6 months

That doesn't sound good - not at all. How well do you know her family? Would you be able to call anyone 'just for a chat' and see how the land lies and if they mention anything?

Sounds really, really weird. Her choice of partner but your choice to not have to arrange seeing her via him. I'm in a similar situation with an old friend and she unfortunately married him. We aren't close at all now, I lost respect for her choices and realised I couldn't change anything.

I lost respect for her choices and realised I couldn't change anything.

Please don't turn your back on anyone who may be in an abusive relationship. That is what abusers rely on and one of the reasons why those being abused cannot leave.

You may not be able to change anything but you could make it clear to her that, should she ever need a place to go, you will provide it.

From your last post he in controlling at best, abusive at worst. Let him organise the meet up if it means you and your friend can hook up, then show her this thread. She might be defensive/pissed off but please stress to her that she can cone to you for support any time in the future if she needs it. You will not say 'I told you so' and you will not judge. And in the meantime try and it nciurage her to stand firm in maintaining friendships and an independent social life.

That's all you can do.

You should only support someone going through or leaving abuse if you can stay safe, and have the personal resources to do so. Abusers often come after the people who support their victim.

Op this does not bode well, and is a well known tactic of abusers, to isolate their victims, which is what he is doing.

Maybe he wants to meet her friends ?

DO the friends get a choice in the matter, would you do this to your dh's friends?

goldmandra I understand what you're saying and maybe that's what an exceptional friend would do, perhaps I did let her down. But as upstartcrow said, you need personal resources to take this on on behalf of a friend and I admit I was lacking in this.

maybe that's what an exceptional friend would do, perhaps

I don't think we should view someone who makes it clear that they will help a friend if they ever need a way to escape an abusive relationship as exceptional.

It's unfortunate that we aren't all better educated about coercive control and don't find it easier to talk openly about it. I didn't learn about it until a close family member was suddenly in the clutches of a coercive controller who did everything possible to cut them off from family and friends.

I wouldn't criticise anyone for not fighting to get someone to understand the nature of the relationship they are in or trying to get them out of it but I think we could all make a difference fairly easily if we are vocal about the fact that, whatever happens and however long it takes, we will help any friend escape an abusive relationship if they need it.