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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think this is weirdly controlling

63 replies

Bonjourmonami73 · 18/06/2018 11:12

Closest friend has new partner. Haven’t seen a lot of her since she met him and she moved to a new town.
Her partner created a whatsapp group at the weekend to arrange a meet up for me & my friend with him in the group.
I kind of feel like if I want to arrange a meet up with my oldest friend, we can arrange it ourself and he doesn’t need to be involved.
Aibu? It made me feel really weird- like he wants to be involved in everything

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 18/06/2018 11:25

Ignore the whatsapp and just text her privately.

Original poster
Bonjourmonami73 · 18/06/2018 11:27

Me & friend have been whatsapping for years so it’s not that. It’s definitely wired- I gave thought for a while that he was quite controlling but this has spooked me a bit

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonjourmonami73 · 18/06/2018 11:27

*have not gave

OP posts:
whattodowheretogo · 18/06/2018 11:29

Absolutely weird. Ask him outright on the group chat why he made the group when the outing is between you and your friend in a jokey way and see what he says.

I had an ex like this. He eventually accused me of being a lesbian for hanging out with a certain friend too much.

Mrsharrison · 18/06/2018 11:31

Ask him how much she's paying him to be her social secretary.

Returnofthesmileybar · 18/06/2018 11:33

I would just message the group

"Thanks Barry, I have so many groups on the go though so I'll just leave this and message Mary herself to arrange a meet up when suits us both"

And leave the group, total weirdo!

Then message Mary and say "Hey, it's too confusing having two what's apps running, so we'll just stick to this, I might get confused and message my secrets on the group page haha Wink. Are you free for lunch x day"

Definitely don't let him control you

Slightlyjaded · 18/06/2018 11:33

ask your friend if she is ok. This might be the tip of the iceberg...

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2018 11:36

Yep, you know it's weird.

I'd plan for the worst and hope for the best in this situ - worst is that he's an abusive arse and if so, any outright push back or even 'jokey' comments could provide a neat excuse to cut you out.

I'd go as far to ignore the whatsapp but try calling her on her mobile when you know she's at work. You've been whatsapping for years so yep I think you can be upfront, as long as he's not there. 'What's with the whatsapp group? I wanted to call before replying on it, I find it a bit odd that he's set that up - I would normally just message you if we are meeting up so what's going on?'

You'll be able to tell a lot by her response and I'd take it from there.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 18/06/2018 11:36

Be cautious about tipping him off that you are suspicious. Abusers ( IF this is what he is-we dont know yet) are smart, they know how to change tactic and he will just find another way to prevent her seeing you alone. Or at all maybe. My advice is don’t confront him over it. Don’t acknowledge the group. Just text her privately as you normally do.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 18/06/2018 11:38

And when I say “don’t confront him” I don’t mean to avoid a scene/tension etc. I mean because he will cut your friend off from you and if he is abusive she will need you.

UpstartCrow · 18/06/2018 11:47

Take the advice ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo gave, and also do not give him any personal info about yourself. Be polite and distant.

Tell your friend that she is not to discuss you with him under any circumstances.

The first time you have evidence she has failed to protect you - and if it happens they will let you know -- then cut loose. You can only help your friend if she wants to help herself, and you must stay safe first and foremost.

Goldmandra · 18/06/2018 11:48

Be cautious about tipping him off that you are suspicious. Abusers ( IF this is what he is-we dont know yet) are smart, they know how to change tactic and he will just find another way to prevent her seeing you alone. Or at all maybe. My advice is don’t confront him over it. Don’t acknowledge the group. Just text her privately as you normally do.

I agree. He is likely to see this as you fighting him to retain control over her. That could well result in him finding a way to get you out of her life altogether.

Also bear in mind that he may well be looking through her phone so will soon know if you're expressing concerns about him.

I would just try to arrange some spa days and things it would be really weird for a bloke to join in with. If you do message her direct, pretend you forgot about the other group.

Then, if the subject of their relationship does come up face to face, ask questions that help her think about his behaviour without openly criticising him and make sure you find a way to let her know that, no matter what happens or how long since you were last in touch, you will always be there for her, day or night.

Gemini69 · 18/06/2018 11:49

leave the group Flowers

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2018 11:51

Trouble with texting her privately is that there's a very high chance that he monitors her phone.

OP, call her at work.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2018 11:53

Spa day or similar is a good idea.

Alternatively, if you really want to get her alone, ask her to accompany you to an appointment - something HIGHLY personal - you don't want to go alone - can she come support you.

This really only to be used if you are prepared to make it clear that you're concerned and were prepared to go all out to get her alone to talk. However- if something like that is the only way to get her alone, that in itself should speak volumes to her.

BadTasteFlump · 18/06/2018 11:56

Definitely worrying.

I would ignore the new 'group' because you don't need it. Continue to contact her direct as you always would have done. And maybe ask your friend a few gentle questions to see if she's ok.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 18/06/2018 11:56

Oh yes, good point about him checking her texts.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/06/2018 11:59

No this is not normal at all. I would message her privately for a meet up, and let her know you are there for her. Sounds like he is trying to isolate her from her friends, by her moving away, and controlling her friendships.

RunningBean · 18/06/2018 12:00

Its weird but is there any chance he's done it because its actually your friend initiating not seeing much of people and he's trying to prompt her to organise something?

If he was being controlling logically he wouldn't be encouraging it, unless its that shes mentioned meeting up and he's then done the group to make sure he knows its you she's meeting with 🤔

I'd message and say 'thanks we've already got a WhatsApp conversation going so I'll sort it out with her on there :)' then leave it.

Ohsuchaperfectday · 18/06/2018 12:02

How bizarre can't you ask why do you we need to what's app for this friend when we have met 1000 times before without the need, great idea thanks Jim but it's really not needed... Laugh laugh...

shiklah · 18/06/2018 12:07

I would be polite in the 'group' but text her direct to arrange anything. He's prob reading all her messages so don't say anything. Be there for her.

Piffle11 · 18/06/2018 12:15

I had an ex who would have done this sort of thing (if WhatApp had been around when we were together). He used to check my phone to see who I had rang/who had called me. Towards the end of our relationship he would take my mobile with him if he went out so that I couldn't ring anyone or be contacted … then he would dial 1471 on house phone when he returned to see if anyone had called and would check the itemised bill. I would tread with caution regarding making a joke about it and calling him out on it - if anyone had done this with my ex then that would be it for him and I would get hell from him if I tried to see them. If you feel uneasy you need to speak with her face to face, without him around.

BottleOfJameson · 18/06/2018 12:41

I agree with Piffle11and PP if this is just the tip of the iceberg and he's deeply controlling a joke might make it difficult for her to see you. I mean I guess he could be well intentioned (like he's trying to encourage her to see friends) but it is seriously odd and if you've already got the impression he's controlling this certainly does add to it.

Timeisslippingaway · 18/06/2018 12:51

That's strange why would he want to be there when the two of you meet up. Couldn't imagine my DP wanting to go put with just me and my friend/friends. Have you mentioned it to her at all?

Ohsuchaperfectday · 18/06/2018 12:53

Agree never tip him off, which is why I thought jokey. What do we need this for..

But on the reflection I'm behind the be polite... Approach as though it's not odd but try and ask friend about it when you see her