Prom night aibu?

[Lollypop27]

Ds has his prom on Friday night. After the prom at 11.30 there is a house party. There is alcohol at the party. Parents will be present. He has been to a house party there before and got drunk. Ds is 16.

About 3 months ago ds went to another bbq/party atbhis friends and there was a sleepover. I didn’t want him to sleepover because of exams/revision and was happy to pick him up about 10ish. Ds threw a tantrum and Dh agreed with him that’s he should be able to go and make his own decisions. I was ignored and off he went. Ds got so pissed he was sick (he is very honest with me and told me all of this the next day). The parents who were there got pissed too so there was no one checking on him or anything. Dh found it funny that ds had a hangover and had got pissed. Dh does not drink apart from maybe twice a year and then he only has one or two pints so he has no drink related problems.

Anyway fast forward to now. Ds has asked to sleep over at a friends house after the house party. I have said no. Dh and I talked at length about this as I was concerned about him drinking. I have offered to pick him up at any time even if that is at 3am. I have also offered to buy him a few cans of cider. Dh was in complete agreement with me.

Tonight da mentioned about staying over and I explained that he couldn’t but we will pick him up whenever and I will buy him a few cans to take to the party. Cue ds having a major tantrum about how all of friends are staying over and everyone is getting drunk, his exams were so stressful and this is what he’s been looking forward to blah blah. Again I explained what I was willing to do and that this was final. Dh then chimes in about how I need to let him grow up and treat him like an adult. I’m treating him (ds) like a child, everyone gets pissed at 16 it’s a right of passage blah blah.

I am fuming but also really upset. Dh has now said that ds can go and to ignore me. What do I do now? Dh and I rarely have a cross word and ds is a fantastic lad usually - straight A student, never been in trouble etc. Am I being controlling? Is this what usual 16 year olds do? I know I got pissed a few times at that age and tbh it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

I think it's pretty typical 16 year old boy behaviour, and the issue is that you and your husband are treating it differently. Neither of you is indisputably right or wrong, but it's the difference of opinions that is causing friction. Try to find some common agreement-that you want what's best for your son, for instance.

Dh should have supported you and all this should have been agreed before you spoke to DS, but I agree with DH.

If it were a regular thing, then I'd be worried but prom night, so he should go and stay if he wants to (armed with condoms).

I'd have put my foot down during exams though.

let him go, if you happy to pick up from 3 am o wards he might aswell stay out. also he right prom night my year group slept on a cycle path ( very hard for police to get to easy and put of the way from parents.) if hes at a house iys much safer.

Your DH shouldn't have undermined you like that. However these parties after prom are a right of passage and no one wants to be the one having to leave before everyone else. If he leaves at 3am then why not 8am? He sounds a good kid generally, I'd let him go after a good chat about booze/drugs/limits etc.

Isn’t this what 16 year olds do.
Sounds like he had good alcohol role models at home, but teens need to follow the crowds and let off steam , the exams this year have been tough.
What are your specific worries?
At least you haven’t got a daughter

But yes, dh should not have undermined you.

Thank you for everyone’s replies. It seems I need to let him go.

My concerns are him getting pissed and choking on vomit or something. I’m a bit of a worrier anyway and after reading the article in the news this week about the lady who died after drink too much just makes me more anxious about it.

Dh has really pissed me off. We discussed it before ds asked and I thought we were in agreement. Now to ds it’s a good cop/bad cop situation.

Can you tell ds is still a pfb? 🙈

You agreed the approach with your dh in advance so you did the right thing.

He then undermined you in front of your ds.

That is unacceptable and I would be really pissed off at him.

Not to mention that I too would be worried if your ds is likely to drink to the point of vomiting with no responsible adults there to keep an eye.

I too would want him home op.

DH is a dick. You are 100% in the right, your son is 16, not 18. Allowing him to knowingly consume may be illegal. Allowing him to get so drunk he is sick, is poor parenting at best. Stand your ground.

Dh needs a telling off. He’s undermined you twice, if he does it again, what will you do?

Your DS is just being a typical teenager. Nothing wrong with letting him but also nothing wrong with not letting him.

Your DH on the otherf hand is a problem. Is he always such a dick?

I agree with your dh.

Im siding with DH on this - but he shouldn't have undermined you - but you really need to cut those apron strings.

Dh is out of order undermining you. But it is normal teenage stuff. I'd have insisted on a midnight pick up during the exams/revision but my dh would have (and has) backed me up. But on prom night I'd let him stay out and worry too much - but id let him do it.

I agree with your DH's approach - it is pretty normal for 16 year olds and if there are parents there and he knows you will come and get him at any time if needed, there is a limit to how much trouble he can get in. He might get pissed and be hungover but that isn't the end of the world - most of us have done the same!

BUT all that being said - your DH should have discussed it with you privately and come to a united front rather than openly disagreeing. This is your responsibility too - did you discuss with your DH before telling your DS your decision or did you decide and tell your DS on your own? If the latter then it's up to you as well as your DH to make sure you've agreed on the plan before you communicate it to your DC.

I think if you think he's a sensible lad, trust him.

I do think DH should have dealt with it differently, but is effectively right.

Our parents trusted us not to do anything stupid and we therefore didn't want to betray that trust. I think that saying or implying 'You can't do this because you might do something dumb' can be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, but if you have a sensible kid and act in a way that says 'We trust you', they will rise to it.

Sorry just realised I misread your OP and see that you did discuss it first - your DH definitely needs to realise that he can't undermine you and go back on an agreed plan!

The problem with not letting your kids do this sort of thing is that they become sneaky. He will be less inclined to tell you what he's up to if you come down too hard.

It's not easy, I've found 14/15 to 17 very tricky with regards to what you "allow" and it's completely different to how I thought I'd parent teens when I had toddlers .

My 17 year old DD asked if a friend could sleepover last night after a party. Of course, no probs. Turns out it's because her parents wanted to pick her up at midnight! These girls are 18 in a few months! So because of her strict parents she's ended up lying, saying she's being collected at 12 and staying at mine.

FFS, the op has already said she had confirmed the approach with her dh ahead of time.

He then completely changed it in front of the ds.

And the last time the ds was allowed out in this sort of scenario he got so drunk he vomited. He may be a sensible lad but he's 16 and I would want, at the very least, to know the adults at the house party and have an undertaking they would be staying sober to keep an eye on the drinking teens.

Since I left the UK, I find the attitude that 16 year olds will inevitably get drunk quite odd.

I think there's a lot of pressure at parties like this to get drunk to the point that you throw up. It's not healthy and it could lead to some horrible things happening - from my teen years I recall various nightmare scenarios like finding my friend comatose, covered in vomit, at a party.

I have no problem with limiting my child's access to large amounts of alcohol, but I appreciate that it's easier for me simply because culturally it's not the norm to get drunk at that age where I live.

If Dh does it again? I don’t know. We have always agreed on our parenting ways and I thought we were in agreement in this. I mean the words out of Dh’s mouth was ‘I agree with you’. I am so upset about him undermining me in front of ds. He’s being overly nice to me now as he knows I’m angry but I’ve just come upstairs to bed as I’m seething.

With the pps saying I need to trust him, cut the apron strings etc. I get that I really do but last time he got so pissed he was sick. He’s 16 not 18. I’m so anxious over it. Dh has said he can go, ds is all chuffed about it and I’m just like 🤷‍♀️. I don’t know how I would stop him now Dh has said he can go.

I think you n DH need to be on the same page here. It sounds a bit good cop, bad cop, you being made the bad cop.
I think you were more than reasonable offering DS a couple of cans and a lift home at 3am.
I’m not entirely sure why others are saying it’s normal behaviour for a 16 yo to get wankered at a party. Not too happy about the hosts parents getting pissed themselves so there’s no real supervision .
You can guarantee that if they’re all getting arseoled to the point of vomiting there is other shit going down. Drugs, sex etc.
DH sounds like he’s all “go on ma son”
You are right to be concerned. I would not be happy. Would you feel the same if it was a dd?

I think your offer to pick him up in the early morning was very generous and reasonable given the previous party outcome. However you don't could be seen as punishing your son for telling you what happened at the previous party instead of keeping his drunkeness from you. Your dh was unreasonable in changing his mind without warning you. I hope the prom goes well and your ds has fun without getting plastered.

Op - what happens when your DS is 18, and an adult, in presumably less than 2 yrs? Will you try and stop him going out and having a drink, staying at friends, just in case he has too much and chokes on his own vomit?

You say he is an A student, thus in just over 2yrs, he will probably be at uni and getting plastered in freshers week - how will you know then if he drinks too much, vomits, chokes?

I know there is a difference between being 16 and 18, but it seems your reluctance springs from your anxiety, and that wont change in 2 years, you need to learn to manage it and trust him. Yes he will almost certainly get drunk and vomit again in the next 2 years. Yes, he could choke, but unlikely. He will however, learn his limits, and what to drink/not to drink, if he is ill through quantity or mixing. Hopefully he will then be more sensible at uni.

Staying over at after prom is a rite of passage, both mine did it, neither got drunk to the point of being sick, as far as I know. They are now 18 and 20, drink but are sensible.

One of DS friends was drunk at a pre-drinks session prior to a 6th form social. Got picked up and taken home rather than going to social. I dont think she has been that drunk since then, over 3 years later.

My DS is at uni, just finished second year. I started off wanting Whatsapp messages after nights out, making sure he was safe etc, but I have learnt to cope with my worries and hope he is sensible and with a group of friends that watch out for each other. I realised that I cannot project my anxiety onto him.

As a pp said, if you are too hard on your DS now, he will only lie to you over next 2 years and you will have no idea where he is. Better to know where he is and be available to pick him up if he feels ill.

Let himpgo!!! It's what happened when I finished GCSE's 20+ years ago, except we went to several pubs instead. My ds18 turns intp the sweetest drunk I've discovered! Lol