Prom night aibu?

[Lollypop27]

Ds has his prom on Friday night. After the prom at 11.30 there is a house party. There is alcohol at the party. Parents will be present. He has been to a house party there before and got drunk. Ds is 16.

About 3 months ago ds went to another bbq/party atbhis friends and there was a sleepover. I didn’t want him to sleepover because of exams/revision and was happy to pick him up about 10ish. Ds threw a tantrum and Dh agreed with him that’s he should be able to go and make his own decisions. I was ignored and off he went. Ds got so pissed he was sick (he is very honest with me and told me all of this the next day). The parents who were there got pissed too so there was no one checking on him or anything. Dh found it funny that ds had a hangover and had got pissed. Dh does not drink apart from maybe twice a year and then he only has one or two pints so he has no drink related problems.

Anyway fast forward to now. Ds has asked to sleep over at a friends house after the house party. I have said no. Dh and I talked at length about this as I was concerned about him drinking. I have offered to pick him up at any time even if that is at 3am. I have also offered to buy him a few cans of cider. Dh was in complete agreement with me.

Tonight da mentioned about staying over and I explained that he couldn’t but we will pick him up whenever and I will buy him a few cans to take to the party. Cue ds having a major tantrum about how all of friends are staying over and everyone is getting drunk, his exams were so stressful and this is what he’s been looking forward to blah blah. Again I explained what I was willing to do and that this was final. Dh then chimes in about how I need to let him grow up and treat him like an adult. I’m treating him (ds) like a child, everyone gets pissed at 16 it’s a right of passage blah blah.

I am fuming but also really upset. Dh has now said that ds can go and to ignore me. What do I do now? Dh and I rarely have a cross word and ds is a fantastic lad usually - straight A student, never been in trouble etc. Am I being controlling? Is this what usual 16 year olds do? I know I got pissed a few times at that age and tbh it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

I am eally shocked at the responses you are getting. Yes I got drunk at 16 but my parents didn't approve of or enable it!!

I think you were absolutely right to say no to staying over and your DH should have backed you up. It's illegal because of the potential danger. Teenage admissions for alcohol poisoning have doubled in the last 5 years.

We drank at that age but not more than a small amount at a house party with parents there and our parents didn't buy us cans to take. Please don't let a random group of parents on a chat site convince you to go against your instincts

I find you very controlling. He’s 16 and getting drunk is a right of passage. I had lots of freedom at his age. I didn’t need to “ask” to stay over at a friends at that age I just let my parents know where I was.

“Am I being controlling?”

I’m sorry, but I think you are. I bet your son would have been mortified at being picked up from a party at 10pm. When DD was 16. She stayed over at parties or got picked up at around midnight. She didn’t stay over at the after prom party because she didn’t want to, so I picked her up at 1pm.

You have to let your son off the leash or he will go off the rails at the first opportunity. DD got drunk once and had such a bad hangover she hasn’t wanted to do it again.

Your husband shouldn’t have undermined you, but you need to unclench a bit.

Am I being controlling? Is this what usual 16 year olds do?

The afterparty is often a bit messy to be truthful but yes, I do think you're being a bit OTT about it.

That said your DH has been a git, and shouldn't undermine you!

I don't think you're unreasonable. He is underage, you're responsible for him and it doesn't matter if drinking after exams is a rite of passage or what his mates are doing.

I would also be worried about his reasoning. The exams were stressful so the very fact they're over should be enough to allow him to relax. He's free to chill, to pursue his hobbies, plan his holidays, etc. He doesn't need to drink alcohol to relax - this looks like the beginning of an alcohol dependency. He's building "if I'm stressed, I drink" and "to celebrate, I drink" pattern.

The "everybody's doing it" is no argument either. (And I bet you that not everybody is doing it.) It just shows that he is still immature. What if everybody there decides to take drugs? Have unprotected sex? Go for a joyride in a "borrowed" car?

Adults take the all the pros and cons into account when making decisions. So it's not just he'd rather keep on partying than go home. He should also take into consideration the feelings and opinions of others and how his actions affect them. Sometimes that means staying at home and it sucks but that's life. Also, does he want to be the kind of person who breaks the law (it is illegal for him to drink) or not?

There are so many things that could go wrong and I'm afraid that at his age (his prefrontal cortex, ie the bit responsible for rational decision making, is not mature yet) and after just a couple of drinks (since he hasn't built up tolerance), he might end up making decisions he will regret for the rest of his life. Or worse.

Totally agree with User's post above.

I agree with your dh. He's done all his exams, it's his prom, he won't want to miss out on everything with his friends and worry about you coming to pick him up and so on. If you were willing to pick him up at 3am then there's not much difference with just letting him stay. He'll pay for it the next day with a hangover probably but at least he'll have enjoyed his night and not felt like you've stopped him enjoying himself. No judgement, totally get where you're coming from but it's just one night where parents will be present and do you want him to look back on his prom with anger at the fact you stopped him doing the same as all his mates. Not a case of just cause all his friends are doing it means he should, just more along the lines of let him enjoy himself with his friends for one night.

And try not to worry too much! Lol. You're probably building it up in your head more. Hope all goes well x

This isn’t really whether or not he’s allowed to stay over after the party, it’s about your DH agreeing with you privately then undermining you by going back on your joint decision in front of your son. I’d be fuming.

As for the party, difficult for me to say as mine is younger but as the parents will be there I think there’s a case for allowing him to stay over. Having said that, a few ciders and a lift at 3am is not at all an unreasonable offer.

Hi op, did you get the situation sorted ?