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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is she being a bit of a CF? Wedding related

51 replies

OneOrNone · 17/06/2018 19:24

I'd really appreciate some perspective on this because I'm currently on meds for depression and anxiety and this has sent my anxiety levels sky high. I really don't know if IABU.

I live in France and my British friends and family will be coming over for my wedding next month. My DH2B is from here. We're getting married in a small village around 45 minutes from a main city and, as a lot of people will be coming from abroad, we're making a weekend of it with dinners, brunches, etc.

We've always said we want an intimate wedding with people that we know there so there will only be around 45 of us.

An American friend of mine who also lives here has just said "a friend from the States is probably going to be in town that weekend. It's ok if I bring her, right? I'll cover the cost of her meal, etc". Her invitation doesn't include a plus one.

I sent out the Save the Dates about 7 months ago so she's always known it's that weekend. I think the friend coming is a new thing. The thing is, I don't want a stranger at my small intimate wedding! Especially if she's going to come for the whole weekend. I'm the type of person who doesn't like people I don't know being invited to dinners with friends at the best of times, let alone my own wedding!

The problem is that this same person was recently upset with a good friend of hers who is in a similar position to me and wasn't happy about her bringing her visiting parents to their small wedding. The friend finally caved so my friend's parents will be there too. However, I just imagine me saying that doesn't work for us because we decided on an intimate wedding and her being upset with us too!

I know this seems silly but my anxiety is sky high and I don't want more issues to deal with! AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Original poster
OneOrNone · 17/06/2018 19:24

That could have been a lot shorter! Sorry about the rambling!

OP posts:
dancehowyouwannadance · 17/06/2018 19:26

I think you need to just tell her no. Be honest - the friend will probably feel weird being at a small intimate wedding anyway!

Rockandrollwithit · 17/06/2018 19:26

YANBU but I would approach diplomatically.

I would explain that you only want close friends and family at the wedding but maybe this friend could come to some of the other weekend events e.g. brunch?

piglet81 · 17/06/2018 19:26

YANBU at all and she is a CF. it's the height of rudeness to presume you can invite someone along to someone's wedding!

MiniAlphaBravo · 17/06/2018 19:26

No I think be assertive and say no. She could have told her friend she was busy that weekend. Or friend will have to amuse herself or stay with a different frient that weekend. Why would you want to attend the wedding of a stranger?

Fishface77 · 17/06/2018 19:27

Just say no.
Worst thing that can happen is she won’t come.
She’s a cf if she’s known about it for so long!
On the other hand could this be a new friend for you?!
She’s got away with it before so sounds like she’s trying it on again.
Grr sorry I’ve got splinters I’m somon the fence!

MatildaTheCat · 17/06/2018 19:28

“I’m afraid that’s not possible. Looking forward to seeing you for our celebrations!”

No apology and no explanation about numbers, intimate wedding etc.

JohnnyKarate · 17/06/2018 19:28

Be brave OP. Stand your ground and tell her it doesn't work for you. It seems she has form for it so she will argue back. Be prepared for that.

junglebookisthebest · 17/06/2018 19:28

Just say that 'unfortunately thats not possible'
No explanations, no excuses because yes she is a CF

DevilsDoorbell · 17/06/2018 19:30

Just say no that it doesn’t work for you. She doesn’t mind upsetting you so why should you mind upsetting her. Cf indeed

Original poster
OneOrNone · 17/06/2018 19:32

Thanks so much for your replies! I agree, Mini, that she should have told her friend she's busy that weekend seeing as she's known about the wedding for ages!

Fishface, I doubt this will be a new friend as I'll be too busy speaking to good friends over from the UK than getting to know her!

Rockandroll that's a great idea about saying she's welcome to come to the brunch, for example, but the main event is only for invited guests.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 17/06/2018 19:33

Yanbu. Height of rudeness from your friend, I agree.

OrchidInTheSun · 17/06/2018 19:35

'No, I'm afraid that won't be possible. If you now feel you can't come, I totally understand. What a shame that your friend's visit has clashed with our wedding.'

DO NOT APOLOGISE. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGISE FOR.

Original poster
OneOrNone · 17/06/2018 19:36

She doesn’t mind upsetting you so why should you mind upsetting her

And I know that I shouldn't be so upset about such a silly thing but I was with her on my hen do 2 days ago crying with anxiety because I had to make small talk to a few strangers and I was so overwhelmed (ridiculous, I know) and I'm surprised she didn't think that this might upset me a bit!

I'm not normally such hard work, I'm just going through a rough patch Sad

OP posts:
Jasmina456 · 17/06/2018 19:38

No, I'm afraid that won't be possible. If you now feel you can't come, I totally understand. What a shame that your friend's visit has clashed with our wedding.

This, exactly.

Maelstrop · 17/06/2018 19:39

Your friend is being a massive cf and you know it. I bet she’s banking on you to be too shy to tell her to fuck right off with her cheeky fuckery. I totally understand your desire for no strangers, I felt the same. Be strong, OP, be firm, don’t tolerate whinging or pleading.

CloudCaptain · 17/06/2018 19:40

No way. Very rude of her. Stand your ground and ignore any further whinging from her. Can you get your bridesmaids to help?

mimibunz · 17/06/2018 19:40

She is definitely being a CF! I’m the type who would ask “On what planet do you think this would be acceptable?”

Fruitcorner123 · 17/06/2018 19:40

You must say no. You will feel better once you have done it. Just say no and give reasons if you feel you want to. You shouldn't apologise though.

This is so rude. Even if she had a new partner she couldn't expect them to come if not invited but a random friend you've never met before? No way.

LemonSqueezy0 · 17/06/2018 19:40

You have decided what you want from your wedding, so don't taint the day, and therefore the memory of the day, by allowing someone to trample over your very clear wishes.

Practise how you say it, and choose whichever method you like to communicate the message, but do make sure the message is sent and received

Have a lovely wedding Flowers

Jasperoonicle · 17/06/2018 19:41

Nothing worse than a person trying to change your plans when you have them done and dusted. Just say as others above advised - it is a small gathering of people you know, love and are close to and you don't feel like adding in people you have never met. If this friend is not comfortable coming alone then they need not come at all. DO NOT APOLOGISE. This is your big day. YOu call the shots and you do not want a stranger there. End of discussion.

Fruitcorner123 · 17/06/2018 19:42

I'm surprised she didn't think that this might upset me a bit!

Yes so am I if you are close. It sounds like she is taking advantage if your anxiety here and assuming you won't dare say no. What a nasty thing to do.

Original poster
OneOrNone · 17/06/2018 19:43

Can you get your bridesmaids to help? I considered that or getting my DH2B to tell her but I think it would be more weird if I ignored her messages and someone else called on my behalf. I just need to pluck up the courage to tell her now I know I'm not BU!

OP posts:
Touchmybum · 17/06/2018 19:43

Just tell her that you selected your guests very carefully and you'd rather not have a stranger in the midst of them. You don't just get to invite someone to another person's wedding! She is a CF. Would you miss her if she did take the hump?

astoundedgoat · 17/06/2018 19:44

She is being a massive CF. You don't need to feel any guilt or anxiety about sending her a message saying "no, I'm afraid that isn't possible." Don't feel tempted to apologise or leave it in any way open-ended, because if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile (or a guest!).

You're doing great and your wedding sounds fab.