AIBU or is she being a bit of a CF? Wedding related

[OneOrNone]

I'd really appreciate some perspective on this because I'm currently on meds for depression and anxiety and this has sent my anxiety levels sky high. I really don't know if IABU.

I live in France and my British friends and family will be coming over for my wedding next month. My DH2B is from here. We're getting married in a small village around 45 minutes from a main city and, as a lot of people will be coming from abroad, we're making a weekend of it with dinners, brunches, etc.

We've always said we want an intimate wedding with people that we know there so there will only be around 45 of us.

An American friend of mine who also lives here has just said "a friend from the States is probably going to be in town that weekend. It's ok if I bring her, right? I'll cover the cost of her meal, etc". Her invitation doesn't include a plus one.

I sent out the Save the Dates about 7 months ago so she's always known it's that weekend. I think the friend coming is a new thing. The thing is, I don't want a stranger at my small intimate wedding! Especially if she's going to come for the whole weekend. I'm the type of person who doesn't like people I don't know being invited to dinners with friends at the best of times, let alone my own wedding!

The problem is that this same person was recently upset with a good friend of hers who is in a similar position to me and wasn't happy about her bringing her visiting parents to their small wedding. The friend finally caved so my friend's parents will be there too. However, I just imagine me saying that doesn't work for us because we decided on an intimate wedding and her being upset with us too!

I know this seems silly but my anxiety is sky high and I don't want more issues to deal with! AIBU to say no?

Yanbu at all. You need to tell your friend that it’s a small intimate wedding and it would also greatly offend other friends and family-who havent made the guest list -to know a complete stranger had. Your friend has been really cheeky trying to pull this off. Try and relax and have a great day!

I highly doubt the visiting friend would like to attend the wedding of two complete strangers, no one in their right mind would.

Just say no, actually it's not OK. If she is offended, let her sulk. Plenty of ignorant pushy people around as it is, you'd be well rid should she choose to get the hump.

Good luck, OP.

You can do this.

And congrats and enjoy your wedding

No way. This is your small, intimate wedding.

Tell your so called friend box

As per pp just say no. Explain that it's small wedding and you're only have people who are close to you, but also be understanding of the fact that her friend is visiting from far away and for this reason she may have to decide not to come to your wedding to spend time with her friend. Explain that you understand this and are absolutely fine with it if she can't come.

Of course yanbu. Say no.

Thank you all so much for your lovely responses! I'm sitting here crying because I feel so overwhelmed by your kindness

I'm going to reply to her now. Even if she does tell other friends she's upset with me, at least you've confirmed that IANBU so I'll hold my head up high!

Well, she might be upset but fuck her!

That was very very rude of her, I wouldn't dream of asking to include a visiting friend in someone else's wedding! The fact that she asked at all (and doubly for doing the same previously with her parents) shows that she is likely clueless to how rude she is actually being. Can your DP be the one to tell her firmly no if you feel unable?

Oh, and trust me, if she complains to anyone about you not wanting her to bring a stranger to your wedding at the last minute, the only person they will think is unreasonable and rude will be her! No sane person in the world would judge you for not allowing this.

I think Americans may be more used to bringing a plus one to weddings than elsewhere- although I'm basing that on one of my bridesmaids being appalled that I wouldn't let her bring an ex of mine who she had met once and exchanged a few fb messages with to my wedding.... they could both just be CFs though!

Definitely not unreasonable. It’s your wedding. Especially as you're having such a small one anyway, she’ll stick out like a sore thumb. It’s very rude of your friend to even ask. I agree with pp who say she’s taking advantage of your anxiety and thinks you won’t be assertive enough to say no

I don’t know what it is about weddings that brings out the cheeky fuckery in so many people!!!

It's just rude to ask, so don't worry about declining politely without going into details.

She asked, you said no, end of the story.

I'm basing that on one of my bridesmaids being appalled that I wouldn't let her bring an ex of mine who she had met once and exchanged a few fb messages with to my wedding

Ok, I've replied to her message saying it won't be possible, intimate, wedding, bla bla bla, but her friend is welcome to join her in the village and come to the Sunday brunch but the other events are friends and family only. I'll understand if she can no longer come to all events. (To answer a PP, yes, I would miss her if she wasn't there as she's the life and soul).

She's just replied saying "absolutely no problem, she totally understands". Phew! Thanks for all your help! I phrased it much better than I would have done without your advice!

"absolutely no problem, she totally understands"

That makes no sense! I mean "I totally understand"!

I had a version of this. I told my CF friend that we'd had to keep dh's single friends to invitations without plus ones so it would be unfair to allow her to have one.

You mustn't cave.

It wasn't true but this person's plus one would have ruined the wedding for someone very close to me.

Well done, OP.

hopefully she's a grown up as well as a good friend and that will be the end of it. Remember: you haven't done anything wrong and have nothing to apologize for.

Get your fiance to tell her no. She's a CF.

Well done. Hope you have a lovely wedding.

I’ll be in the area, can I just pop in

Seriously who invites a stranger to someone’s wedding?

Well done OP, you did it, and it turned out to be OK! Have a fabulous day!!

I continue to find it incredible that some people (perhaps by virtue of being “the life and soul”) have such a powerful hold over others that people live in fear of upsetting them even when they behave badly.

Well done on your message, sounds like she’s a reasonable person, if not a bit of a thoughtless one! Hope your wedding goes well- congratulations.

Aw op glad it worked out!

I don't think she sounds as much of a CF as others are making out. I can imagine if it's a weekend thing, with her personality as you've described, it may have seemed to HER like I wouldn't be a huge deal, as if it was HER wedding she wouldn't mind or likely even notice too much. It sounds like now that you have pointed out YOU do mind, she's responded nicely and with no worries. She probably won't give it another thought, so well done and it sounds like you have a good friend there.

Ps in response to PossiblyPFB, I don't think she was behaving badly, I think she was just being a bit thoughtless. I am a bit of a life of the party type and if she's a bit like me, she probably just has that "more people make a better party" mindset and forgets that not everyone feels the same.

Tell her the truth - I expect she didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, it just seemed normal for her. Communication can solve so many things and you've nothing to be embarrassed about, anxiety especially around this time is normal.

If she's your friend she'll understand completely and not want you to be upset.