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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About friend's very convenient back injury?

77 replies

equiva · 17/06/2018 18:48

NC for this one. Sorry it's quite long.

Friend and I are both currently taking masters degrees, with exam period around now (first year of two year degree though).

Friend has been on and off complaining about a bad back since starting her degree, she fell down a few stairs at a workplace about 3 years ago - got taken to hospital (I think mainly to cover the company's ass as the fall wasn't that drastic) and apparently her back is still bad from that. She's been to the doctors at her university every now and then since September last year.

Conveniently, her back seems to get a whole lot worse when something is coming up that she doesn't want to do. Lately this has been exams - apparently she was up in agony the night before her first exam, ended up going to A&E and subsequently missed that exam, as well as all the others. Doctors sent her home within a few hours with some painkillers. At the time, she said she couldn't even sit up for longer than 15 minutes without being in incredible pain. She has now applied to sit the exams next year.

Thing is, she was telling me how unprepared she was for the exams and how she'd done no revision whatsoever. I find it quite suspicious that her back suddenly got unbearable the night before an exam which (in her own words) she was "definitely going to fail".

In the few weeks since then, she has completed a 4 hour countryside walk, taken up a temporary office job, and driven herself 180 miles across the country. Regularly goes drinking on nights out in killer heels.

With regards to doctors and treatment etc, as far as I know every time she's been to see a doctor, they send her home with some painkillers, gradually increasing in strength each time she goes. She had an MRI scan a few weeks ago but she didn't mention the results to me - she's quite dramatic so I assume she would have told me if something serious was wrong with her.

I'm no doctor and know absolutely nothing about back injuries but common sense is telling me that if something was actually wrong, they'd have kept her in, done a load of tests, and not just continued to give her painkillers - which to me, sounds like a way of getting her to shut up and leave.

AIBU to be seriously doubting her injury? It seems to crop up at the most convenient times for her. I think it bothers me more than it should because I've had my fair share of shit this year but always handed my work in on time, completed my exams etc. I've tried to fade her out of my life, but bumped into a mutual friend today who was horrified when I laughed upon being asked about this friend's 'terrible injury'.

I'll feel a bit shit if it turns out there is something wrong with her, but it really doesn't seem like they're going to find anything.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 17/06/2018 20:19

You'll just have to take her word for it as there's no way of knowing.

Unfortunately for her if she has form since school of suddenly being ill for tests or injured for things she doesn't fancy then it's hardly surprising that people might start thinking 'here we go, you're 'ill' again at a convenient time'. It's the boy who cried wolf situation, maybe she is in lots of pain now, but you have scepticism based on her track record (understandable really).

MissCherryCakeyBun · 17/06/2018 20:24

@equiva I personally don't doubt you at all I had a former friend exactly like this.....and found it very draining as she always needed a shoulder to cry on and to listen to her endless woes, to have to be taken to help it all the night before a big launch at work etc etc but the only time I ever needed support ( my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness) she was never around to even answer a text let alone talk on the phone.
I just distances myself from her gradually and now we are NC as she got the massive hump one night after I refused to pick her up from hospital at 3am the day I was due to fly long haul to Australia.....she ranges down the phone that if I really cared I wouldn't leave her to go on holiday and how was I good friend doing thatHmm
My advice is to walk away and let her do her own thing.....you don't have to be friends

whattodowheretogo · 17/06/2018 20:34

I'm no doctor and know absolutely nothing about back injuries

You could have saved yourself a whole post by just telling yourself that once more.

Why do you care?

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 17/06/2018 20:36

If you want to understand more about chronic pain I recommend "Explain Pain" by David Butler & Lorimer Moseley.

Graphista · 17/06/2018 20:54

I have injuries to my back. The main one took several YEARS of going to gp's. A&e and finally being referred to specialists to get diagnosed.

Treatment has been discussed inc surgery which has been dismissed as too risky (High chance of paraplegia resulting, med chance of quadriplegia. I'm currently still upright but can't manage to sit or stand more than a few hours a day. Not only due to pain but numbing meaning my ability to control my legs, even arms sometimes is affected).

I too have had people with NO MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE query my condition and timing of severe pain/inability to walk far.

It's frighteningly easy to permanently injure your back. My first injury was incurred doing something MILLIONS of people do every day but doing it in a tense state and I must have done it slightly awkwardly.

The pain fluctuates. Plus if I have plans I'll up my painkiller use, plan to have rest days in the run up, have a soothing bath beforehand to help. Then I'm usually also scuppered for the 2-3 days after - I'm talking almost completely bedridden and needing help to stand to go to the loo!!

Stress makes pain worse for 3
reasons:

Your muscles are tense
Your nervous system is 'hyped up'
You're mentally on edge and more conscious of things that make matters worse.

Plus as pp says if she were studying for exams more time spent in crappy "office chairs" at a desk do not bloody help! When I was at uni after hurting my back I set my desk up at home so I could sit in my armchair rather than an office chair.

In addition in protecting the injured/painful area you end up putting pressure on another area through over-compensating (or simply because you have to move differently). As a result of my back issues I've had problems with my knees, feet and shoulders too.

My legs can give way with no warning, I can lose grip on things I'm holding... Not fun

Main problem due to car accident over a decade ago - was X-rayed and checked out at the time, it either wasn't spotted it wasn't developed enough to be noticeable, plus as I ALREADY had back issues some symptoms were put down to those.

In my case it's mainly nerve pain which is a fucker to treat as most painkillers don't touch it - they relieve the pain of the surrounding muscles which helps a bit.

I was also on crutches while pregnant (causes whole heap of other nonsense to deal with) and wearing a very unattractive belt thing to support the bump! Again after a slip in a shop.

I'm now coming up on 18 years of dealing with it. Frankly it gets tiresome having idiots with no training, knowledge or even empathy questioning what it's like to live basically always in pain.

I'm only 46 and yet I'm currently looking into getting a bath lift! Because lately a couple times I've really struggled getting out and dd is nowhere near strong enough to help, plus has a disability of her own.

You describe her as a 'friend' yet are almost completely negative about her. You're welcome to my pain even just for a day if it'll make you even a tad more thoughtful.

People walking around with unwitting serious injuries to their spine and neck happens with more frequency than it should! X-Ray's don't always pick up small but significant in placement fractures, soft tissue injuries. People if they feel 'OK' don't always accept treatment. Rare for it to be fatal but it does happen - remember Natasha Richardson?

Re "what's causing the pain?" Could be any number of reasons. You don't know her medical history to know what the injury is, where it is, how it happened etc - even with all the info sometimes even specialists don't know.

Ultimately her medical and educational issues, whatever they might be are NONE of your business.

delilahbucket · 17/06/2018 22:17

I have permanent issues with my back and pelvis. All the doctors I saw ever did was issue me with more painkillers. That's all the NHS have time for. They don't tend to investigate the causes of pain.

Do not under estimate the impact of stress on chronic pain. Some of my worst flare ups have been during stressful times. Back injuries are the worst for healing time. I know many people who have hurt their backs and still suffer years later. I fell down some stairs 20 years ago and injured my coccyx. I still have problems from time to time now, but the worst of it took the best part of ten years to go away.

Snowysky20009 · 17/06/2018 23:32

32 tablets a day, stress has me crying in pain, some days I can walk for a while, others I can't get out of bed, bad days I need assistance with personal care, I can loose control of my bladder and bowels, one day I can be laughing and joking, the next sobbing all day in pain. If you ask some of my friends I'm 'fine' because they see me fine then several weeks later I'm fine again but they don't see the bad days inbetween.

Never knock back pain until you've experienced it. If it wasn't for the strong doses of morphine etc I take daily, I would have have taken my own life by now. It's the most horrendous pain and I have a strong pain threshold.

Oh and hospitals do just send you home with painkillers, as often they can not pin point the pain or in my case it took several admissions before they ran MRI's and realised several discs had prolapsed. Currently waiting for spinal surgery.

lonelyatchristmas · 17/06/2018 23:54

As someone who suffers with severe back pain all I'll say is that you can't predict an episode... I bent down one day to pick up my make up brush and snap back gone.. couldn't sit stand or walk for about 4 days and even then the pain was extreme.. with an episode I can't sleep in my own bed for about 10days as I can't lie down with the spasms so I sit on the couch at night
on the outside you'd never know the pain I was in but there's lot a day goes by that I don't have some form of pain in my back so I think YABU..
back pain is horrific and until you suffer with it yourself you won't understand what it's like..

lonelyatchristmas · 17/06/2018 23:56

@Snowysky20009 I know exactly what your talking about.. I have to use morphine patches when mine is bad and you'd literally need an extra mortgage to pay for them there so expensive.. it's a constant battle as one day your fine and the next your in agony.. and to the outside world they al lo think everything is hunky dort..

SnowOnTheSeine · 18/06/2018 06:07

I have degenerative spine disease. No one would guess the pain I'm in. I manage to carry on almost as normal (though no lifting of anything heavy which is tricky with young DC) then i hit a wall and can't carry on. The wall rarely appears at convenient times!

flumpybear · 18/06/2018 06:12

Pain and back issue aside, personally I'd get on with my exams, at this rate whatever her problem she's going to fail her course if she doesn't do the revision/work - pass yours and let her get on with whatever her daft plan is - personally I'd just want to get the exams out the way

Lindah1 · 18/06/2018 06:31

Annoying but it's not really any of your business and doesn't affect your own studies

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 18/06/2018 06:35

She won’t get her degree though if she keeps missing things so she’s not getting an advantage

Ollivander84 · 18/06/2018 06:35

Mine took years to be diagnosed, and even with an MRI I didn't get treated straight away. They operated when it became an emergency. I wore heels for 7hrs the other day, and rode my horse yesterday but I still have back pain and am waiting for a pain management referral
Stress definitely makes mine worse

Serendipite · 18/06/2018 06:39

Whether she's faking or not, just focus on your revisions. Your grades aren't dependent on hers anyway.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/06/2018 06:44

I get it, OP - it does sound fake, and I can see why it irks.

DH has problems with his back, but it's completely random, and when it hits, it hits. It doesn't hit and then subside to drive home / go out on the lash, then hit again and x convenient time.

Obviously everyone experiences their pain differently, though.

It's kind of obvious when someone is genuine, and many people in genuine situations posting on this thread are taking your scepticism personally when they needn't.

You're venting - and what better place to do that, than on an anonymous forum.

Yes, she's probably faking - but as a PP said, just be thankful that unlike her, you have your shit together.

The only one she's disadvantaging with this carry on, is herself.

MrsMint · 18/06/2018 06:46

If she is putting it on, she will be the loser as she will be a year behind.

NotClear · 18/06/2018 06:54

When I trained as a nurse they repeatedly taught us one important thing about pain.

"Pain is....

...what the patient says it is!"

And it is not for the nurse to decide how true that pain may or may not be. Because you'll get it wrong if you second-guess. So don't.

flamingnoravera · 18/06/2018 07:10

It's very late for exams, most institutions are over by the first week of June. But that's by the by.

I have chronic back pain that is aggravated by sitting on hard chairs, I also live on pain killers and sometimes take codeine if it's really bad, which makes me groggy. I cannot sit for three hours so I would need extra time for breaks if I was sitting exams at the moment. But that is also by the by. If you're doing a two year part time masters, taking a bit longer due to illness/life events is not unheard of but UK Universities do not dish out allowances for mitigating circs lightly, she'll have to have provided evidence of illness. If she wants the degree she will have to take to exams, there's no getting out of them. Whether she does them this year or next, or never, it really is of no matter to you or anyone but your "friend". Leave off moaning about her and sit your papers- you can enjoy your smugness when you get results after your exam board sits and she may be unable to progress to yr2 until hers are completed.

PaintedHorizons · 18/06/2018 07:41

Actually OP I agree with you.
Of course no-one knows what's going on in anyone's life and of course there are people who say that they have similar or wrose, (I am a chronic migraine sufferer and also have intermittent crippling back pain) BUT you are not an idiot and you know her quite well.

We have a culture in which people can scam, defraud, get benefits, paid sick-leave, "help" with so many things - and no-one can dare challenge. Honest people are taken advantage of in our current society.

There is however nothing you can you except distance yourself from her. I would never be friends with a liar and a cheat like that.

Bluelonerose · 18/06/2018 07:45

I think the problem is with backs 1 funny twist and it's gone.
Dp suffered for about 3 years in agony until it was discovered he needed surgery.

Somethingsfallendown · 18/06/2018 07:51

Back pain is an area that is sometimes difficult to diagnose and treat and is regarded differently from a broken leg as it can't be seen. Whether it's genuine or not yr friend is either having pain or anxiety issues. Either way not nice position for her to be in. Just be glad its not you. Let it go and go and move on.

ZiziJeanmaire · 18/06/2018 08:09

If she is pulling a fast one, then she'll get found out eventually. And she will need an even better excuse when the next set of exams come around.

I would distance myself from her, if it bothers you.

lettuceWrap · 18/06/2018 08:19

I had years of back problems. The stupidest thing can cause it to go - a tiny misstep, reaching my arm up to open a cupboard, putting on a sock. And yet, sometimes I can walk long distances, swim a mile, do physically hard work.

I absolutely can’t wear heels (even many flat shoes hurt my back, I’m pretty much confined to a certain brand of trainer.

My back is definitely worse when I have a lot on- not so sure that’s stress, I think it’s because I’m doing more (or different) things physically, ie more hoovering or mopping if visitors are coming.

Even when my back is pretty bad, I can usually drive (car seats are amazing in this respect!), although actually getting in and out out of the drivers seat is very painful and involves having to lift my leg in/out with my arm...

I’m pretty sure lots of people think I’m faking too Sad
I’m

TokenGinger · 18/06/2018 08:21

I’m sure this has already been added several times now, but I only read as far as to the end of the first page to the question of what actually is the pain or causes it.

When I was 18 (10 years ago), I had a car crash. Nothing major. Airbag blew but no injuries as such, other than whiplash. However since then, I’ve suffered with chronic back pain. Most of the time I am fine, other days I can barely walk. The last time I hurt my back, I did do my brushing my hair. I literally couldn’t move my chest forwards an inch without sending a sharp pain all down my back. 48 hours later, I was fine. Hot baths, exercises etc.

It took two MRI scans and CT scan to diagnose my bulging disc. It’s largely manageable but there are days where I just cannot function.

As others have said, stress can induce it, through feeling more tense, sitting in a hunched position etc., but something as simple as brushing my hair can trigger it too.