To be annoyed at the unsolicited negative opinions towards marriage we get every time someone finds out DP and I are engaged?

[lilyheather1]

Happens to DP more than me, unsure if this is because people view him as the more practical of the two of us, but countless times when DP has come home from work (he runs events/ functions so works with a variety of venue event managers) and has mentioned in passing about our upcoming nuptials, he seems to get unsolicited negative advice or experiences. Recent gems have been:
"The first year is the hardest, then it sort of becomes placid."
"That's the end of the honeymoon period then!"
"Marriage is really hard work, good luck."

Is there a polite way to tell people to butt out or will I have to pull up my big girl pants and deal with this for the final 10 months before the wedding?

They are being honest. Perhaps you behave as though it's all unicorns and glitter. If that annoys You, how do you get through every day?

Well I've been married for over 30yrs and I guess those statements are reasonably true, especially if you didn't live together beforehand.

The first yr of living together is getting to know everything about your partner and inevitably there will be adjustments, compromises and arguments while you find what works for you as a couple. That hopefully means that, bar life changing events, the second year is indeed more placid.

Is marriage hard work? I'm not sure I would use that terminology but yes, it requires work and effort to spend your life with one person. Very few, if any, couples can go through life agreeing on everything, always feeling valued and respected, always having the same goals. And that's before you throw in many outside events. Babies, families, death, money worries, illness etc all have a massive effect on us and it's hard sometimes to remember why you thought marriage was a good idea.

They are just things people say in passing, much like when you are pregnant and receive much, mostly unwanted, advice. Smile and nod is the best way to go always.

I could be alone in this but I haven't noticed a difference. We did live together beforehand.

YANBU. I also got fed up with people (almost gleefully it seemed) talking about how hard the first year is. I think it's a hang over from people getting married without living together first maybe.

For balance, 3 years in(together 12 years in total), marriage has been fab for me and DH. After renting, buying and planning the wedding it's been wonderful to enjoy our relationship without having to be planning something. Marriage for me has been a sense of security and we didn't have that awful first year that everyone is so sure will happen. Obviously the longer you're together the more settled things are rather than every day being an adventure, but I'll take that quite happily!

I know it's hard but I'd just try and ignore them, you know you're happy, a bit of legal paperwork won't change loving each other.

zzzz

That surely depends on who you are married to.

Given that one in three marriages end in divorce, and given the number of posts on here from people who are surprised at how much the person they loved changed, I think that shows that marriage is not always lovely.

Only the second phrase sounds a bit annoying, but the rest seem to be offered as advice, I wouldn't take it personally. It does seem a bit odd to be saying some of those things as most people are living together for years now before marrying and thus have pretty realistic expectations by the time they tie the knot.

Marriage is bloody lovely in my experience. "Hard work" isn't the right way to describe it - it's work, but it's good work that you enjoy doing. I love it and agree with @zzzzz - for me, it's much better than cohabiting pre-marriage.

*Well presumably Op believes she's marrying the right person for her
*
Most people believe the same thing when they get married

Most marriages end in divorce. It is hard work for virtually everybody.

OP..stop being precious. Who cares what anyone says, unless you have secret insecurities it shouldn't matter. Lots of couples get the same remarks and since you cannot control what other people say you can only manage your own response...and opting to get offended is pathetic.

I've been married 30 years and I can honestly say its never been hard work.
If anything its less 'work' in the practical sense of sharing chores and the emotional sense of having someone to rely on.

Aww think I need to go and give DH a hug!

Don't know what circles you're moving in! Normally people are made feel bad about not marrying, well, women are made to feel that they aren't 'prized' if they're not married, so people are just bantering with you.

Bl00dy weird - everyone I knew was full of congratulations when I was getting married. Your DP's mates sound odd.

As to marriage being hard work - nope, never found it so. And it was no different from before marriage either, except getting to say "husband" instead of partner, which is quite nice :)

Well presumably OP believes she’s marrying the right person for her

Doesn't everyone

People who've had difficult marriages, divorces or rough patches might be cynical or jaded. They might try to gently open your eyes to the fact that marriage isn't like in Disney films. But I find most functional adults are already aware of that so don't need telling.

Most marriages don't end in divorce. Some do. It's certainly not most.

It bought a new dimension of kindness and understanding to our relationship, one which I'd not anticipated (DH was the one who wanted to marry, I'd have happily stayed living together). I love being married and feel that anyone giving unsolicited advice about marriage and relationships tends to do so for selfish reasons.

They're telling you the truth OP. A wedding does not mean a fairytail romance or life. Marriage is fucking hard. Impossible sometimes, and most of us wish we'd never done it at some point then just trudge through until it gets better or one decides to walk.

Marriage is frankly, a crock of shit. If it was just for the legal aspect then yes. Fine. All dandy. But it's the other expectations that all come with it and cause it to crumble over the years.

We got married because we had to for legal reasons and protection. To do it for any other reason is just silly. You can have a commitment ceremony for the other shit.

I wonder what actually changes if you're cohabiting anyway and you get married? Apart from the legal finance stuff, surely it's just made official and nothing is harder in the first year? Obviously this will be different if you're not living together or don't already have kids

That’s incredibly obnoxious and patronising. My dh and I have been together nearly a decade. There have been some hard bits but they had nothing to do with being legally joined to each other. Having our first dc was stressful (for the first 2 years or so, fine now, she’s in primary school) and we went through a horribly awful soul shattering year or so after finding out that MIL’s long term partner was a paedophile (went to prison for child sex offences, is generally an abusive arsehole, we’ve been advised by the police to make sure he never has any further contact with our children, etc). That was horrific and stressful but I think that sort of thing is very unusual. If you marry an awesome person, it takes commitment but it’s wonderful. There are hard bits in any long term relationship but that don’t necessarily have anything to do with marriage.

It's a bit weird because anyone who's been in a long-term relationship can appreciate the kinds of difficulties that can surface in the course of a marriage, surely (although possibly not the magnitude).

IMO having children is the thing that really demands a giant warning label - this is where marriage gets tricky.

But as with the majority of small talk, it's nod and smile.

Marriage is frankly, a crock of shit. If it was just for the legal aspect then yes. Fine. All dandy. But it's the other expectations that all come with it and cause it to crumble over the years.

Sorry it didn't work out for you. Perhaps it will for the OP.

Oh shove off Banana! She's not 'opting to get offended', she IS offended! And quite understandably too

OP, a lot of people are just bloody rude and blurt stuff out without any thought for how it will make the other person feel. I understand why its hacking you off. It's not 'precious' to have feelings FFS

And btw, I'm no great fan of marriage (13 years unmarried) and find engagements cringey, but I would never dream of saying that to someone's face as they tell me their plans!

Marriage isn't all roses and the heady romance of it does wear off, but when it's good, it's really good. I had many happy married years with my STBXH and I'm not going to wipe those from our history just because the last 5 years of our partnership were not good. The good times and the bad times both happened, they were both real. Life is just like that.

Everyone who gets married is taking a leap of faith - but then so is everyone who starts a relationship, has a child, starts a new job, goes to University. It's what makes us human and a lot of the time, good things come of it. My parents were married for 50 years before my dad passed. I'm not going to manage that and I am getting divorced for very good reasons, but I don't regret getting married. Not at all.

So all you will get from me are wholehearted congratulations.