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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a friend some home truths?

50 replies

pineapple22 · 17/06/2018 13:20

A friend I work closely in an office with has been having an affair for a year. I'm the only one who knows about it and at first I could see she was miserable in her marriage so I was all for her being happy.

Now though, it's going too far. She's spending every spare minute or penny she has either with this other man or having her hair/nails/eyebrows/waxes done or with her personal trainer making her look amazing for this new man. Don't get me wrong she looks amazing, which is also something I supported in the beginning, but now her 2 kids are missing out on holidays and days out as she can't afford them due to her new spending on looks and having no time for them. They are primary school age and while her husband works nights as a taxi driver she sneaks out and leaves them to go and meet her new man.

Recently she was talking about leaving her poor husband and starting again with this new man, which I was all for as clearly she isn't enjoying the marriage and quite frankly he deserves better. However, that's changed now and she says she doesn't want to lose her marriage and family (more like at-home babysitter and money-maker) so she's going to make it work in her marriage, while also carrying on the affair still.

I see her every day, it's getting harder to bite my tongue and I want to tell her how selfish she's being and how much I feel for her kids, who by the way she barely even mentions anymore and seems to have no clue what they're up to, how they're doing in school etc. It's such a mess, but is it a friend's job to support a friend regardless of their behaviour, or would I be more of a friend to point out to her what she's become?

OP posts:
DirtyNell · 17/06/2018 13:23

She leaves them alone when she sneaks out????

PinkHeart5914 · 17/06/2018 13:25

If she is leaving her dc home alone to go and drop her knickers for some tacky bit on the side, yes I’d tell her what I thought! Fucking disgraceful behaviour

Atalune · 17/06/2018 13:25

I’d blow her secret wide open!!

Stupid woman.

maskingtape · 17/06/2018 13:26

It's none of your business. You don't need to be friends with her if you don't think you can be if she carries on with her actions but it's none of your concern what she does.

maskingtape · 17/06/2018 13:27

I missed the bit about the kids being left alone. I'd tell the school this but the rest I'd leave.

MissCherryCakeyBun · 17/06/2018 13:28

Primary kids home alone? She needs a bloody wake up call they deserve better I don't give a toss about her but the children need to be properly cared for.

Curlywurlywurly · 17/06/2018 13:29

It's none of your business. ....snip.... but it's none of your concern what she does.

I think leaving her children alone at night to sneak out is her business!

OP, phone the police or the NSPCC or the school and let them know.

Janus · 17/06/2018 13:30

I don’t think I could handle someone going out of the house at night and leaving children of primary school age home alone. That’s the thing I’d be focussing on and bringing up, it’s just awful.

NukaColaGirl · 17/06/2018 13:32

I’d be reporting her for leaving her D.C. alone at night. Is she fucking stupid?!

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2018 13:34

I'd normally say keep out of it.

But she seems to be obsessed and that's what her life has become about.

She needs to get out of her marriage, there's obviously something going really wrong and she needs an escape.

She needs bringing back down to earth, whatever you do, try to minimise harm to the children.

KC225 · 17/06/2018 13:34

Seriously, her children are primary age, she lives with them and because she doesn't mention to you anymore you assume she has no idea what they are up to or how they are doing at school.

It's not your place to question her finances, how do you know her children are missing out on days out or holidays. Surely it's up to her husband to question her contribution to the family pot versus personal expenditure.

Is she leaving the children alone at night when she visits the new man? That would be my only concern?

If you feel uncomfortable about the affiar, you can say 'I'd rather you didn't talk to me about it as I can't support it' but remember you encouraged it in the beginning.

whyareknickerscalledapair · 17/06/2018 13:35

I'd report her tbh. Friend or not, she shouldn't be leaving her children alone at night.

DearMrDilkington · 17/06/2018 13:37

If she's leaving her children home alone at night then please report her to social services.

arranfan · 17/06/2018 13:38

There is gov.uk guidance on leaving children alone and what constitutes a risk with some discussion re: age:
[gov.uk quote] The law doesn’t say an age when you can leave a child on their own, but it’s an offence to leave a child alone if it places them at risk. [/end quote]
Age of children re: leaving alone

Depending on your colleague's circumstances, this might be a reportable risk and one that might have an adverse impact on the DH who is unaware of what is happening.

ilovesooty · 17/06/2018 13:39

The only thing that should concern you is the safeguarding of the children.

Original poster
pineapple22 · 17/06/2018 13:43

Thanks for replies.

Yeah I don't like the leaving them alone bit either. She's staying on her road, just meeting up in his car down the road, but they are still in the house alone. It's not right, but she says it's better than having him in her house!

About her finances - I know it because she tells me. She literally says she feels bad she can't take her kids on holiday anymore but her new gym instructor costs too much, as does her new upkeep. That's not me saying I think her spending is too much and that must be why she's not going on holidays anymore, that's literally what she's saying to me! Kids don't need holidays and it's her money to spend on what she likes though so that's why I'm wondering how far you'd go and how much you'd say as a friend.

Thanks for advice, and thing is normally I'd just say I don't want to be friends with her any more. But when you work in an office with somebody it's hard to fall out isn't it? I'd rather things could stay amicable if possible!

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 17/06/2018 13:44

Is normally say stay out of it, but if she's leaving her kids home alone at night then I think you most definitely need to say something.

Lizzie48 · 17/06/2018 13:46

You need to focus on the fact that she's leaving primary school aged children at home alone, that's disgraceful. You mustn't allow that to continue; you should report that, either to the NSPCC or Social Services.

Her having an affair isn't anything to do with you; if you're uncomfortable about it, just tell her to stop telling you about it.

AttilaTheMusical · 17/06/2018 13:49

She's a colleague - be polite & friendly, be amicable by all means, but if I were you I'd keep out of the rest of it. Next time she starts to talk to you about it, tell her you'd really rather not know the ins and outs of it all.

If you are the only one who knows about it, guess who she will blame for spilling the beans when it all blows up in her face.

GreenPostItNote · 17/06/2018 13:51

If you feel comfortable doing this, you could ask her some searching questions, to make her think.

Ask if she ever feels guilty at all. Ask if she worries whether her husband will find out. Ask her what she'd do if he did find out. Ask her what her children would feel if they find out from her DH (if he found out first and turned them against her). Ask her how she'd feel if she found out her DH was having an affair.

At the moment she's probably just blocking out all those possible negatives and focussing on the buzz she gets from the affair. If you can gently bring her focus to those gnarly issues you might just get her thinking about what she's actually doing.

I also have a friend having an affair and likewise I encouraged it at first and thought she'd leave her DH. Now she isn't my feelings have changed. We don't work together every day though and often communicate via instant message so it's easier to talk about other things.

cariadlet · 17/06/2018 13:56

She's being really selfish and I feel sorry for her husband and kids. She should either end the affair and work on her marriage or should leave her husband. I don't think that I'd want to be friends with someone who behaved like this.

But, no matter how horrible her behaviour, it isn't really your business. I think that next time she starts confiding in you the best thing to do is to politely say that you feel really uncomfortable with the way that she's behaving, that you don't want to fall out with her, but that you'd rather she didn't tell you anymore about it. Every time she tries to talk about the affair and its ramifications, just cut the conversation dead and change the subject.

Orangecake123 · 17/06/2018 13:57

"so she's going to make it work in her marriage, while also carrying on the affair still. "

You could tell her but she won't listen. It's going to blow up in her face with her logic.

Original poster
pineapple22 · 17/06/2018 13:57

Thank you for advice. I have read and took on board all of them.

GreenPostItNote - very good ideas, I think that's a great idea to turn it round and ask questions to her, rather than me just telling her straight up what I think.

If it doesn't seem to get anywhere though I think I'll just have to do what most of you suggested and tell her not to talk to me about it anymore. I know I supported it in the beginning and I am happy that she's in a happier place, but I never would've supported it if I knew it would take this turn or carry on this long. Thanks all for advice

OP posts:
cariadlet · 17/06/2018 13:58

Crossposted with GreenPostItNote - I really like the suggestion of asking those questions if you think you could cope with it.

Aridane · 17/06/2018 14:01

Just withdraw from the friendship and the affair you encouraged / supported.

As regards leaving the children alone, yes, that is concerning - though it sounds like she’s just going down the road to meet OM in car for a shag, not spending the whole night away