To give a friend some home truths?

[pineapple22]

A friend I work closely in an office with has been having an affair for a year. I'm the only one who knows about it and at first I could see she was miserable in her marriage so I was all for her being happy.

Now though, it's going too far. She's spending every spare minute or penny she has either with this other man or having her hair/nails/eyebrows/waxes done or with her personal trainer making her look amazing for this new man. Don't get me wrong she looks amazing, which is also something I supported in the beginning, but now her 2 kids are missing out on holidays and days out as she can't afford them due to her new spending on looks and having no time for them. They are primary school age and while her husband works nights as a taxi driver she sneaks out and leaves them to go and meet her new man.

Recently she was talking about leaving her poor husband and starting again with this new man, which I was all for as clearly she isn't enjoying the marriage and quite frankly he deserves better. However, that's changed now and she says she doesn't want to lose her marriage and family (more like at-home babysitter and money-maker) so she's going to make it work in her marriage, while also carrying on the affair still.

I see her every day, it's getting harder to bite my tongue and I want to tell her how selfish she's being and how much I feel for her kids, who by the way she barely even mentions anymore and seems to have no clue what they're up to, how they're doing in school etc. It's such a mess, but is it a friend's job to support a friend regardless of their behaviour, or would I be more of a friend to point out to her what she's become?

How old are these children?

And while you're about it, ask her what she'd think if one of her children threw up in the night while she was out, or had a nightmare and woke up crying, or if God forbid, a fire broke out.

I think YABU to encourage an affair in the first place and now you've decided it's gone too far you want to tell her to stop. She is absolutely in the wrong, but surely this has taught you not to get involved in other people's relationships?

What a horrible situation!

I feel desperately sorry for her children, because clearly they have dropped well down her list of priorities, if she's sneaking out of the house and leaving them alone at night just to meet up with this man, plus spending so much money on herself that they are missing out on holidays and so on!!

But the sneaking out is the worst. What if one of them wakes and is ill? They're going to find out she's not in the house pretty fucking quickly! And then what - her secret is wide open anyway.

I reckon she's enjoying the thrill of it, the danger, as much as anything else and she's a fucking idiot to keep doing it rather than care properly for her children.

I feel for her husband as well - he's working through the night, assuming that she's there looking after their children, and she's fucking someone in a car up the road instead. How sordid!
And if they are doing it in the car, then at some point there is a risk they will be caught in flagrante and THAT will blow it all wide open as well.

I think I'd pass on the "home truths" thing as such, and instead go for the "do you fucking realise what a bell end you're being here and what you could be risking?" line of "advice", with heavy emphasis on the neglect of the children and risk of being caught by the neighbours/ police.

Tell her that you will report her for leaving kids alone unless she stops. Then distance yourself. Unless the husband is a friend of yours, stay well clear.

My uncle was cheating. My aunt found out because someone posted al letter telling her, naming the person and when they were meeting up. Id do the same if I were you.

She sees you as a supportive friend and you've got a bit stuck in that role, so changing it will be a shock to her, but I think try to find a way to reverse it, like someone said ask questions about how she'd feel if her DH or DC found out.

She sounds like she's got carried away with this pretend life, leaving her kids though at night, that I could not support at all

Are you her only confidant?

**I’d blow her secret wide open!!

Stupid woman.**

^So would I. Her husband and kids deserve far better than this selfish woman

I had a massive fallout with a friend who did almost the exact same thing. It ended our friendship as I couldn’t condone or accept the children being left alone at all. I told her if she didn’t grow the fuck up and make changes, that I would call SS as she was leaving primary age children including one with SEN in their beds in the night whilst going off gallivanting. She then eventually told her DH it was over and they split and things changed dramatically, I felt terrible blabbing but I told her exDH about her leaving the kids alone and he was outraged and broken. Anyway, she actually wanted to continue being friends, but I realised I couldn’t move forward knowing what horrific judgements she had made and that she was quite frankly a liability. I don’t regret falling out as I trust my own reasoning. I couldn’t go out for drinks and have a laugh, as much as she was a great friend in that sense, I couldn’t just nod and smile while knowing what crazy choices she was making.

You're so right, rhubarbfool and I would add to that list, what about if a burglar breaks in whilst she's having sex with her lover? Unlikely of course, as is a fire, but if she's doing this regularly, the odds become shorter that something bad could happen.

I’d blow her secret wide open!! Stupid woman

So would I, write a note to the Dh letting him know about her leaving the kids alone while she is in a car with the OM.

In a car down the street? So classy. Or utter bollocks.

Please report her. What if there was a fire? She may think its ok as shes on the street but how would she detect one starting? What if a child was sick and choked?

You can do it on the internet now- nspcc website & its anonymous.

I'm still stuck at the point where you supported her having an affair but now claim her DH deserves better.

I'd be tempted to call through to SS or Police when I knew she was out.

@SleepingStandingUp
i was just typing the same thing!

her choices are 'off' - yanbu there
YABU - championing her affair, then feeling bad for her husband and kids! Did you not think it'd be shite for them

I was a little bit at the fact that you encouraged her to have this affair. You would have been better to encourage her to either try to reconnect with her DH or leave him if she really didn't love him anymore. That would give him the opportunity to find someone who really wanted to marry him.

I would never EVER condone a friend having an affair, let alone encourage it! Why does one persons happiness mean more than the happiness of their husband and child? So YWVU to encourage her affair in the first place! Perhaps if you had discouraged this in the beginning she wouldn’t feel so entitled to behave that way, with encouragement she may have justified her selfish actions eg ‘oh it can’t be that bad as Pineapple says I should go for it, I deserve to be happy’

Anyway, for your question, I would report your friend to ss, I would also send her dh a letter telling him to check his house at night! Then tell him that he can find his wife in x car further down the street. Alternatively, I would call the police saying you have reason to believe that three children (including a child with SEN) have been left at home alone. You could also tell the police where they can find her!

What a self entitled narcissistic, pathetic excuse for a Mother she is! I have gone without so my kids don’t miss out! You don’t know they are always in the car either! I have two primary aged dc, one with autism and I would never and have never left them alone in the house overnight! We only need to read the news to see how common house fires are! Not to mention kids catching viruses at school, it breaks my heart the thought that these children could wake up, sick/ with cramps/ with a fever (or God forbid in a house full of smoke) and not find their Mummy in the house! That would be utterly terrifying!

I want to clarify that I am not saying you were responsible for your friends behaviour. I do think though that the time for home truths was back at the beginning when she first considered an affair! She must have enjoyed having this secret between you, where she could share details of her clandestine affair!

I would not be surprised if she accuses you of being jealous if you say something to her now.

You are as bad as her if you do not act on the children being left.

Thanks for replies.

I understand all your replies and agree. I wouldn't say I encouraged an affair, not at all! I was all for her being happy, I thought it would be a quick fling to make her feel better about herself, or maybe it would make her realise her marriage was going nowhere and she'd do the decent thing, and I'm not really one to get involved in the sense of telling her to do/not to do anything but looking back I can see I should've just been firm from day one that I wasn't comfortable with this and that I didn't want to talk about it any longer. It's all weighing too much on my mind now and I feel terrible. I'm a natural worrier anyway and having to worry about all this is stressing me out.

I agree that if she can't end things now that her husband needs to find out. It'll stop her getting away with it and it'll keep the kids safe. But I've never met him, wouldn't know how to get in touch with him, so perhaps going the reporting route would be best. Also as selfish as it sounds I wouldn't want the fallout to be on me, for me to be the one who broke up the marriage (although I realise it wasn't me that cheated, that's how I'd feel). Maybe an anonymous report would be best.

Thanks all for your advice. And for the record I agree what I did was just as bad, supporting her in the first place, and hope if anyone else finds themselves in this position they can be stronger than I was. I feel so mixed up in it all now.

OP, I think you're being very harsh on yourself. Of course you shouldn't have encouraged her, but she put you in a really difficult position. What you did by initially supporting her is not nearly as bad as what she has done through her actions.

I agree with cariadlet - you're being overly harsh on yourself. You couldn't have foreseen how deeply into this affair she was going to throw herself, nor that she was going to start abandoning her children, who could have?!

But yes, step away. Tell her that you are not comfortable with hearing how she is neglecting her children for her own selfish thrills - maybe it will bring her up short, maybe it won't, but hopefully she'll at least stop talking about it and further enmeshing you.

And yes to the report if it carries on.

Be kind to yourself - you feel bad but it's none of your doing, honestly. It's her.

I would prioritise the children's safety at this point. She is neglecting them on several levels but the skipping out the house and leaving them alone is too wrong to ignore. She needs a reality check.

I have no respect for anyone like this. Selfish deceitful low lives are not on my friend list. You shouldn't have condoned it in the first place.
Have you said how you feel. I'd step right back and then some.