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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lies

41 replies

liarliarliarliar · 17/06/2018 09:08

I'm starting to run out of patience at being lied to.

Some background - I don't get on at all with DHs family. I am civil and polite but that's as far as the relationship goes. DH has started telling me lies about when he's seeing them or spoken to them - I think he's trying to stop me getting upset and us having a row but really I just feel like I'd rather know the truth than feel like I can't trust him.

I know I need to have a conversation with him but I'm dreading it

OP posts:

steff13 · 17/06/2018 09:10

Why would he think you'd be upset that he's seen them/talked to them?

I don't get along with my husband's father and stepmother. I just don't see them. That doesn't have anything to do with his relationship with them.

Original poster

liarliarliarliar · 17/06/2018 09:12

They've not been very nice about me in the past and I find seeing them very stressful

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 17/06/2018 09:12

Surely there doesn't need to be a row at all? It isn't as if he's insisting that you have to see them from what you're saying. You need to ask yourself why he feels the need to lie about it.

Eatalot · 17/06/2018 09:13

If the title was 'i have to lie to my dp about seeing my parents so not to upset him/her' the dp would be called controlling and op encouraged to leave the partner.

hildabaker · 17/06/2018 09:14

I once had something similar with a partner. The thing was, when push came to shove, he would always put his family's wishes and opinions over mine. I think that he too started lying about how much he was seeing his family and talking with them (often about me, i think).
Maybe it's just me, and maybe someone else would be ok with it, but I ended up breaking up with him over it. It's about commitment and priorities.

steff13 · 17/06/2018 09:14

My ILs haven't been nice to me either. As I said, I just stopped seeing them. My husband is still free to see them. He doesn't much, because they're generally difficult to deal with, but there wouldn't be an issue if he did.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 17/06/2018 09:16

I think perhaps you need to say to him "From this point on we just don't need to talk about your family. You see them when you see them, you spend the time with them you need to spend. But aside from saying "I'm off to see my Mum" they need never come into a conversation again" and leave it there.

You can choose to have nothing more to do with them and just let him get on with it.

mustbemad17 · 17/06/2018 09:16

I don't get it. Do you row even if he sees them alone? Did he use to tattle about what was being said after he visited?

I can fully understand you not wanting to spend time with them, but your partner shouldn't feel he has to snoop around to see them. Unless he joins in the slating or comes home & tells you they've been slating you, i don't see the problem tbh

UpstartCrow · 17/06/2018 09:16

He shouldn't be lying to you. You don't have to spend time with his family, and he should be able to just go and see them on his own without any massive drama.

Original poster

liarliarliarliar · 17/06/2018 09:17

There are children involved on all sides so I can't just not see them - plus that would cause more drama than it's worth. He wants us all to get along and not to be in the middle but I can't get over what's happened.

He's backed me in the past over things that have happened between us all

OP posts:

PrettyLovely · 17/06/2018 09:17

I think the problem here for your feelings could be lack of loyalty, How has he reacted to them when they have been horrible to you, Does he let them do it?
Does he defend you?

Lizzie48 · 17/06/2018 09:18

I find seeing my MIL stressful and he's always found seeing my DM stressful (I do, too, though.) But at least your OH isn't trying to emotionally blackmail you into seeing them from what you've said.

It does sound like controlling behaviour to me as well.

steff13 · 17/06/2018 09:18

My kids still see my ILs. I just don't.

Original poster

liarliarliarliar · 17/06/2018 09:19

He defended me to the point that we were non contact with them for a long period of time. They're recently back in our lives and I know he doesn't want things to go back to how they were

OP posts:

mustbemad17 · 17/06/2018 09:23

My mum stopped seeing my paternal grandparents when we were kids, my dad just used to take us alone. The only thing there is your DH needs to ensure that his side do not say anything inappropriate whilst the kids are around...i finally went NC by choice at 23 because listening to someone slagging my mum off at every turn was making me ragey

steff13 · 17/06/2018 09:23

You don't have to spend time with them if you don't want to. He shouldn't feel like he has to lie about spending time with them. That's the crux of the issue.

ladymariner · 17/06/2018 09:24

So what's your issue then....do you not want him to see them?

PrettyLovely · 17/06/2018 09:25

You are entitled to your feelings it doesnt make you controlling that he has lied.
It makes him a liar.
Especially if he has been no contact with them before, you need to explain to him you are having difficulty getting over how they have treated you and that lieing to you is just going to make it worse.
Personally I cant stand liars and that would be the biggest issue for me here.
How did they come back into your lives? Did they apologise for the past?

Emma198 · 17/06/2018 09:28

How sad that he's worried that seeing his family would cause a row between the two of you. As someone else said, if the OP was the other way round, and someone was upset that their partner got upset and caused a row when they saw their family, people would be saying the partner was controlling and trying to alienate them from their support network.

You don't have to see them, but you should let him without him feeling bad about it.

Original poster

liarliarliarliar · 17/06/2018 09:32

The issue is the lying. I don't like having them in our lives but I've accepted that they are. I don't stop him seeing them.

There was no apology for anything that happened - just a decision that we would move on

OP posts:

steff13 · 17/06/2018 09:35

The lying is an issue, but your posts make it sound like there would be a fight if he told the truth? Why does he feel that way? This isn't really a conversation that you need to dread; just tell him you know he's been lying and all that he stop.

steff13 · 17/06/2018 09:36

Ask, rather.

Original poster

liarliarliarliar · 17/06/2018 09:36

I guess because he knows that seeing them upsets me and when I'm stressed or anxious I guess I'm not exactly fun to live with

OP posts:

mustbemad17 · 17/06/2018 09:37

He's kind of stuck between a rock & a hard place really then. He can't tell you he's seeing them because it stresses you out...but if he lies about it because he wants to see them he gets grief

steff13 · 17/06/2018 09:37

Him seeing them upsets you?

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