Lies

[liarliarliarliar]

I'm starting to run out of patience at being lied to.

Some background - I don't get on at all with DHs family. I am civil and polite but that's as far as the relationship goes. DH has started telling me lies about when he's seeing them or spoken to them - I think he's trying to stop me getting upset and us having a row but really I just feel like I'd rather know the truth than feel like I can't trust him.

I know I need to have a conversation with him but I'm dreading it

"There was no apology for anything that happened - just a decision that we would move on"
Did you agree to this or is this something he did on your behalf?

His mum suggested it and I agreed because in the moment I felt it was the right thing to do

How is he when he has contact with them?

Seeing them upsets me because I can't forget what was said or done in the past

@numptynuts what do you mean?

Would you go for CBT to explore how you react? I've learned to make a distance and it doesn't affect me so much. So I don't react when they kick off, because they are making themselves look stupid and desperate for attention.

@UpstartCrow I am really good at managing my emotions around them but as soon as I'm out of the situation it's all built up so much I just have a meltdown

It feels a little like he can't win here. Have they been cruel to you since you've reinstated contact?

Ultimately, you can either ask that he doesn't lie to you about seeing them, but then you also can't give him a hard time about it. Or, you can leave things as they are, not knowing when he sees them. Or, if you truly can't get past it, you could end the relationship.

You're right @steff13 I need to try to not give him a hard time (I don't think I do but I'll ask him). I need honesty from him because if he can lie about something little I worry that's just the beginning.

And no they haven't been outwardly cruel but plenty of snide remarks

I feel sorry for both of you. He shouldn’t have to lie and he should be allowed to see his family (whom he must love) without guilt. You should be allowed to feel bad and work through your feelings too. He is in a dreadful position because he knows you have ‘meltdowns’ about them. Another pp is correct, swap the genders round and you’d be considered controlling or abusive. You need to reassure him and for your own sake work on your feelings so that you don’t have meltdowns anymore. That behaviour isn’t good and is only hurting you and making your husband lie.

If you are having a meltdown after you see them, you are not managing your emotions, you are bottling things up.
Ask your GP for CBT as soon as you can.

Thanks everyone for your input. Plenty to think about.

It sounds like he's lying to spare your feelings, and/or spare himself some grief. I wouldn't necessarily take it as an indication that he'd lie about something big.