AIBU not to buy a card or present for my father in law?

[dontpanik]

My husband is not the person who will buy a card for his dad for Father's Day. He just isn't. He never ever bought a card for anyone. He does buy presents for occasions sometimes and usually they are good quality, expensive presents. So he is the kind of person who will gift someone, but not just for the sake of it, if you see what I mean? Tonight we are going for dinner at my father in law. It's not an occasion he would ever consider buying a present for. AIBU not to interfere by buying a card or present for my father in law myself? I know it will be frowned upon by my sil and I feel that I am generally expected to do things like this on my husband's behalf (for example I deal with 90% of family Christmas presents and also birthday presents). But Father's Day, I think it stretches it too much. I don't really know how my fil would feel about it tbh, he wouldn't in a million years complain or express dissatisfaction but I don't know his feelings about it. Btw, my own father passed away many many years ago and Father's Day is not something we commonly celebrate in the country I come from. Plus I feel there is an unnecessary craze with cards in Britain, but I must admit I have got used to it and generally give cards for most occasions. Thanks in advance for any responses.

YANBU. His father, his responsibility. DH is responsible for cards and presents for all his family's birthdays and anything else same as I am for mine.

I'd remind my DP it's Father's Day and say are you getting a card and then the rest is up to him. If Sil is the type to disapprove then I'm sure she'll find something else to disapprove snout soon anyway so.,,.

What’s happened in the past?

And would your FiL expect anything? Is the meal for
Father’s Day?

Just let him get one if he wants to. I never get Father’s Day or Mother’s Day cards to my in laws because I feel like that would be a bit weird as they’re not my parents.

Your DH should sort card/present for his own father. He’s not a child.

Remind DH but leave it to him, if he decides not to bother, that's his choice. You can even tell SIL you reminded him but if he doesn't want to you're not his boss you can't and won't make him do things.

I never had a dad growing up so Father's Day just passes quietly - DH is reminded, but hasn't sent a card or gift.

His choice as it's his relationship not mine.

I would remind him in case he had forgotten. This covers your awkwardness at tonight's dinner - you can tell your SIL I told him to - he knows and chose not to.

I do most of the Christmas buying but I draw the line at Father’s and Mother’s Day. I will nudge DH about it but the rest is his responsibility

I feel that I am generally expected to do things like this on my husband's behalf (for example I deal with 90% of family Christmas presents and also birthday presents).

Stop doing it.

Many thanks for all responses so far. In my first couple of years here I might have given a card from both of us. Now that I look back at it, it was a way for me to fit in and in my mind it was something I had to do as it is the done thing here. In recent years I haven't given one and we haven't spent the day together or anything. Last night I got a call from sil (she lives with him) and she said "what are you doing for Father's Day?" I said nothing in particular and she invited us round for dinner. So she kind of declared it a farher's day dinner in a way. For context, we have a good relationship with his family, with some minor bumps as most families, it's just that my husband is not the card giving person and because his family know and accept this I get the feeling that expectations have shifted to me.

Do you have children? If so then you could encourage them to buy or make a card (depending on their age). Otherwise I wouldn't bother.

it's just that my husband is not the card giving person and because his family know and accept this I get the feeling that expectations have shifted to me.

But you don’t need to accept that.

Just stop doing it.

I have no issue buying the majority of the family presents, I enjoy the process really. If I get stuck I will ask husband to think of and buy something and he will do it. I know his feelings about the "commercialised" and "unnecessary" Father's Day, Mother's Day and so on. I feel similarly about these days but the slightest idea that this would upset my parents would be more than enough to get me to do something for them. He doesn't feel this way and I don't think there's anything else to be done from my part. I'm happy that posters feel similarly.

I am NC with my own father so generally make a fuss of DH on Father's Day because he is my children's father and they are too young to buy presents etc themselves.

It wouldn't occur to me to buy a card for FIL at all, for any occasion. He's not my dad so it's up DH to make the effort if he wants to. Generally he doesn't bother and that's his decision. I get what you mean though, there seems to be an expectation that the woman will be the person who deals with cards and gifts, but I choose to ignore that, and any disapproval that comes my way because of it.

Yes, we have kids, little ones. Good idea about them mentioning it to him. Our littlest made one for him at nursery and gave it today. The oldest just don't pay much attention, just like his dad

I have three sibligs who have partners and children. I have parents and a grandma.

My dh is an only child with no living grandparents.

I refuse to buy cards and presents for his parents as i have enough to do and he isnt a child. After a few years of last minute crap he now buys thoughtful gifts for his mum. She always thanks me. I always tell her they are all him. Ending the sexism one tiny inaction at a time.

His father never buys cards or gifts for me, dh or the children for anything. Or phone or visit. So dh doesnt buy for him anymore.

If he doesn't bother that is fine. But make sure any repercussions go his way.

My DH did not buy his uncle a card for his 80th and I got the "we were so disappointed you didn't even send him a card, it was embarrassing at the party when everyone else's were read out - we were waiting to hear yours - I did ask them "Did Beyond not send ANYTHING?"" from MIL. way to point it out

She was put straight.

I always buy my FIL a card and sign it from all of us. FIL always sends me a birthday card with something along the lines of “special daughter” on it.....

FIL is more of a Dad and Granddad to us than my actual father!

well to be honest I think one of you needs to do something or are you seriously going to rock up to a father's day meal at your father in laws house with nothing? even if it's a card your kids have made. I just honestly can't imagine going and giving nothing. I think your father in law would be hurt but obviously don't know him. But if in however many years your children get you nothing not even a card for mothers day would you be fine with that or hurt ? Some people would be gutted, some people would not care and probably a lot of people would be hurt but not say anything or make a fuss only you and your husband know your father in law. But honestly I think at least you could get some paper and pens out let your kids draw on it and there you go a handmade card for him.

I have sent a card to my FIL this year because dh is no longer here, but previously it would always have been his job and I wouldn't actually have signed it.

If SIL is rude enough to ask, just look at your dh and say 'your question i think?'

'Ending sexism one tiny inaction at a time' - THIS

I don't get why the children would make a card. It's Father's Day, not Grandfather's Day. This morning I gave DH a card I'd written on behalf of the DC (they are only 2 and 6 months) which DS had drawn all over. DH gave FIL a card from him. FIL's card wasn't from me or the DC because he's not our dad.

DP says FIL isn’t fussed about Father’s Day so has called him but no present or card. I did both for my DF, and organised toddler’s choosing of card and present, wrapping etc. Baby did nothing to help

I don’t like to get in the way with things like this. DP knows his family so it’s up to him, even if I would do things differently or don’t agree. I wouldn’t want him to take over with my family so I respect his way of doing things.

I agree with you to the point of feeling embarrassed turning up with nothing so I guess that's why I posted. But I don't think it shouldn't be something I have to worry about or deal with.

Update: little one went to dad and said: "Daddy, what are you doing today for your dad?"

Husband: " Why don't you draw him a card like you did for me?"

Little one: "ok"

I'm a little bit as we kind of missed the point, but I guess I have to pick my battles and close the issue here, at least for this year...

I always get the FIL’s card - DH doesn’t think or care about these things and it’s easier to do it than to convince him it’s a nice thing to do/nag him into remembering. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest and I would prefer to ensure that FIL gets something than nothing. Same as on his birthday etc.