AIBU not to buy a card or present for my father in law?

[dontpanik]

My husband is not the person who will buy a card for his dad for Father's Day. He just isn't. He never ever bought a card for anyone. He does buy presents for occasions sometimes and usually they are good quality, expensive presents. So he is the kind of person who will gift someone, but not just for the sake of it, if you see what I mean? Tonight we are going for dinner at my father in law. It's not an occasion he would ever consider buying a present for. AIBU not to interfere by buying a card or present for my father in law myself? I know it will be frowned upon by my sil and I feel that I am generally expected to do things like this on my husband's behalf (for example I deal with 90% of family Christmas presents and also birthday presents). But Father's Day, I think it stretches it too much. I don't really know how my fil would feel about it tbh, he wouldn't in a million years complain or express dissatisfaction but I don't know his feelings about it. Btw, my own father passed away many many years ago and Father's Day is not something we commonly celebrate in the country I come from. Plus I feel there is an unnecessary craze with cards in Britain, but I must admit I have got used to it and generally give cards for most occasions. Thanks in advance for any responses.

Crispysausagerolls why though when it’s a one way street? If your husband doesn’t care, why should you facilitate? His father should have raised him better if it’s something he thinks he should care about.

Because I care! And I am thoughtful and nice and want FIL to have a happy moment when he gets his card. Also, maybe unfairly, I feel that DH’s behaviour is somehow a representation of us/me so I would feel like WE look bad if we didn’t get a card. DH’s mother did a very poor job with all of that stuff - he will always get me a card (even on Christmas although we spend it together so I would never have thought about doing that!) but he would never really bother with anyone else. He tried to go to a birthday party 2 weeks ago without a card or a present 😳 obviously I dragged him to get both as it would’ve been so rude!

DH is crap at things like that, I did insist he sorted a card for his dad the first Fathers Day after my DF died but to be frank, it was less effort to pick a card up with my supermarket shop than nag him to do it.

DH’s mother did a very poor job with all of that stuff

But not his father? Fucking wifework again.

I feel that DH’s behaviour is somehow a representation of us/me

Yep same as house a mess? Wife issue
Kids late? Forgotten forms? Moms fault
Tea not ready? Shopping not down no ironed shirts -

This needs to change and if that means one crappy card at a time then so be it

TittyGolightly

His mother restricted access to his father because she’s a narcisstic and awful, awful control freak. FIL was only allowed to help financially and DH was told all sorts of vindictive and evil lies about his father to keep him away, lies he has only recently found out about and now he has rebuilt his relationship with FIL wonderfully and is NC with MIL. That’s why I said MIL, because she is the one who raised him. Not because of wifework or anything else. FIL did his best from the very limited time he had.

GreenTulips

All that stuff probably would be my fault because I’m a SAHM and DH works extremely late most nights and that’s how we split the jobs. Again, nothing to do with being a female - would be the same if the roles were reversed, he would be responsible for all of those things.

Why do so many women take on responsibility for getting presents /cards for their husbands families? And why are you all reminding them of important events?? It's another example of a deeply ingrained misogynistic view that these menial tasks are the responsibility of women .

I bet these men can function perfectly well at work and don't need reminding when they have an important meeting ....why do they need reminding that it's father's Day or their mums birthday . They aren't children.

I believe this issue goes deeper into roles and societal expectations for women. We also need to think about, why we women care so much about appearances and perceptions of others about our family? We tend to be more emotional. Little things like this give some food for thought. I really felt I had to take a step back today, at the end the kids (our kids, so fil's grandkids) happily made him a card under husband's supervision and I bought a box of chocolates while I was out shopping anyway. Is everyone happy? Yes. Did I put any effort? No. Was a point made? Doubt it. Is it so massively important? In the grand scheme of things no, but I think that we must not us women dismiss little things like this just because "it's easier to just do it myself"

I bought a box of chocolates while I was out shopping anyway.

Why were you out shopping?

Why not?

I've recently stopped being the daughter of the family. I do precisely what my brother does and no more. i"m single so I"m only talking about my own parents here but I thought it was important to make sure now that my brother knows I intend to value my job and my life and my spare time as much as he values his..

At the moment i'm ''sitting with the discomfort'' which is what you have to do when this is new to you. It will pass. Say nothing. Do nothing.

@dontpanik you did the easiest thing in the short term and that is understandable, but this is part of the reason men do nothing. if they care, even a bit, they know that their wife or gf will do just enough to be socially acceptable in the circumstances, or, they do.not.care - what their own parents think - so neither shoudl you.

Just to clarify, I was going out shopping anyway, nothing to do with Father's Day. Agree that I took the shortcut. At least husband suggested (after prompted) the card, which, I know it's from the grandkids. There I'm fully aware that some men including mine need to take ownership of stuff like this. Not all men are like this I'm not generalising. My bil is always buying cards, presents etc

We’re you going out shopping anyway because you always do the shopping? Again, a wifework thing?

crispysausagerolls

Would love to hear MIL's side of the story. She appears to have single handedly raised a decent man.

We both do shopping. We both work full time. I needed petrol today. Does this cover it?

Not all men are like this at all. My DH is more than capable of remembering birthdays and special occasions without reminders and never expect me to buy cards and presents . Just stop doing it ....if any of the in-laws comment explain that their son/brother didn't remember (couldn't be arsed) despite being a grown man. Don't feel guilty. It's not your guilt to feel

My DH is the same- generous and thoughtful with presents, doesn't do cards. His side of the family is entirely his business (though I wish MIL wouldn't do thank you cards for things they give DS from him).
He texted his DF today.
As for people being reminded about Fathers Day- haven't they noticed the eleventy billion adverts everywhere?

Shumpalumpa

This isn’t one of those “love to hear her side of the story” situations, believe me. The following people don’t speak to her due to her disgusting behaviour:

Her father
Her two sisters
Her two brothers
Her stepmother (who raised her)
Her eldest son (DH)
All of her cousins, uncles and aunts.

How DH is such a wonderful man I have absolutely no idea. He is just wonderful. His three siblings are vile, money-grabbing entitled little wankers who use his father as a cash machine and DH hasn’t got anything to do with them either now. When people speak on her about narcissism, they are speaking about this woman, trust me. She has no side of the story, she is a completely evil person. For example she sent an email with pictures of me at my bridal shower to my FIL and several other relatives to get them to help call off the wedding based on the horrible photos. It was literally just of me sitting at afternoon tea. Or when her son was in a coma after being hit by a car, and we had been in the waiting room for 16 hours straight, she walked in for 10 minutes to see the doctors and then went out for dinner.

Shumpalumpa

Oh, and actually his housekeeper more or less raised him. Because she kept disappearing on holidays or couldn’t be bothered with her SAHP duties. Including having a driver to take children to school. So actually I guess I should be blaming/praising the housekeeper....

My FIL has been more of a dad to me than my own was. DH and I have a division of labour- I do the presents, cards shit for all the family for all occasions. He does the kids dentist, car MOTs, sorts all insurance etc. There is another thread at the moment about your DP being your best friend and everyone seems to say "yes" to that but then on threads like this it's all- it's not your dad, let your DP sort it - surely if your DP was your best friend you'd want to help them out?

Helping out is offering suggestions for presents or picking something up cos your DH has specifically asked a favour..... expecting someone to remember all birthdays and occasions and do all the work is taking the piss.

I don't know what your relationship with your best friend is like but mine certainly doesn't need me to remind her when her mum's birthday is or when it's father's/mother's Day. And she definitely doesn't need me to buy the cards and presents..... because she's a fully functioning adult with a brain. Just because you're male doesn't mean you get to opt out of that part of being a fully functioning adult