Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to really not like my 14 year old DS

47 replies

Itsinthefridge · 16/06/2018 17:21

I have 2 DS 16 & 14. My older boy has learning difficulties and is quite easy to deal with. Apart from the constant worry and crippling fear about his future (!) he is very straight forward, likes to be with his Mum and Dad or watching football, no trouble. My 14 year old is a nightmare. He's so horrible all the time. He barely emerges from his room but when he does he's so objectionable, I dread hearing his footsteps on the stairs. He's always 100% negative towards his elder brother, pointing out his lack of life chances etc if he so much as looks at him. He's obsessed with prison, drug taking and dealing, rap music (and Fortnite obviously) He is lazy at school and has already been in trouble twice this year for not exactly bullying other kids, but playing it pretty close to the line. I know he's a teenager etc etc but I am seriously worried about how we bred someone so unpleasant.

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 16/06/2018 17:24

Firstly, my sympathies. Bringing up a child with learning difficulties is full of pressure and worry.

Secondly, these teenage years are awfully hard for some....I also have a 13 year old but while she's quite communicative and pleasant, she also doesn't emerge from her room....she's demanding and sometimes rude. Those things are completely normal.

Your son is worrying because of the interest in prison and gangs....however it might just be a phase.

Is he looking for more attention? Does he feel left out due to attention your older son has from you?

Original poster

Itsinthefridge · 16/06/2018 17:33

It could be the attention thing, I know. It is hard for him to be the one with a 'different' brother and I've always tried to let him know that I completely understand that. For example he doesn't like to introduce his brother to his friends and I do understand and I don't insist. Recently I've got more fed up with his lack of sympathy, but as my DH points out he is a 14 year old boy and I'm expecting too much of him. I think the gangs/drug thing is bravado, but I worry about him obsessing about the darker side of life especially when I'm never 100% sure what he's looking at on the internet. If he was seriously considering a life of crime I doubt he'd keep telling me about it!! I suppose I should be pleased he does still talk to me occasionally even if it's a load of nonsense about Pablo Escobar!!

OP posts:

upsideup · 16/06/2018 17:36

That behaviour is quite common in your average teenager. My DD1 at 14 was a nightmare, really mean, sulky, difficult, she would 'run away' regularly and get her self into minor trouble. Shes 22 now and for the last 3-4 years she has been wonderful and such a pleasure to be around, now shes getting on with her own life and spending less and less time with us I really wish I had spent more time enjoying this part of her personality which has always been there instead of sometimes not really liking her.

Branleuse · 16/06/2018 17:40

how do you respond to the talking about gangs and drugs etc.
You say he gets obsessions about these things. Do you think theres a chance he may be neurodiverse as well. These things often do run in families

AjasLipstick · 16/06/2018 17:47

That is a good point Bran

OP I wonder if you might be able to steer his interests in the direction of criminal studies...rather than just focusing on "cool gangs" etc, if he were to look at criminology and detective work or something?

upsideup · 16/06/2018 17:50

I would imagine the obssesion with prison, drugs etc is comming from some kind of video game hes playing.
Is his gaming time and what hes playing monitored?

Branleuse · 16/06/2018 17:53

i think at 14, if hes still engaging with you, then youve still got a chance to turn round the behaviour. Try not to concentrate on how unpleasant he/it all is, but work out how to focus his interests elsewhere and rewarding and promoting kindness in an age appropriate way - ie without being patronising.
I can see it is all unpleasant at the moment, but I think from what youve said, you could still turn this round

Rednaxela · 16/06/2018 17:54

I'm never 100% sure what he's looking at on the internet.

Whose job is it to monitor and control his internet use if not his own parents?

Not saying it is easy but you have to lay down some sort of boundaries around obscene content. Gangs? Jesus wept. You don't have to let him access whatever he fancies, using a device and wi fi you are paying for. Plenty of help online to set up parental controls and monitoring on his devices.

SeriousSimon · 16/06/2018 17:58

How can he be 'obsessed' with gangs and drug taking/dealing? I don't get it - obsessed in what way?

YorkieDorkie · 16/06/2018 17:59

I may be missing the point a bit here but there's no way I'd be allowing my son access to video games like Fortnite if he was obsessed with the things he is. He would have it removed and reinstated when he learns some bloody respect.

And regarding your older son, he is not a burden that your younger son is bearing. He needs to learn to be proud of him and show him the respect he deserves too. Please don't allow him to be ashamed of his brother.

You have my sympathies OP. I hope you have good support.

AjasLipstick · 16/06/2018 18:00

Simon lots of teenage boys get "over invested" in this sort of thing because it seems glamorous. I suppose he watches a lot of tv about gangs, films too...and will look up information about what they get up to.

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 16/06/2018 18:02

YABU - you need to sit down and speak to him!

I am seriously worried about how we bred someone so unpleasant

^^ I really hope your trolling, what a very very nasty thing to say about your own child!!

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 16/06/2018 18:02

you’re

Original poster

Itsinthefridge · 16/06/2018 18:04

Thanks all, the neurodiverse thing is interesting. upsideup, what you say is sobering. I know this is all really part of the process of him breaking away from us to be his own man and I need to appreciate him a bit more because, before I know it, I won't hear the footsteps on the stairs because he will have left home!!! I have suggested the police force to him as a career, I try to just keeo talking to him. In fairness the Narcos type stuff about the history of Colombia and the Cartels is quite interesting! I don't take the other stuff too seriously, He thinks DH and I are very straight (his dad is a teacher at his school!!!) so I think he's trying to shock/rebel. He only plays Fortnite at the moment, but he did play GTA for a bit so I suppose that's where some of the drug glamour stuff comes from. Even he said "I like Fortnite because it's lighter and more colourful, Call of Duty and GTA are a bit dark" It's always helpful to sound off on here and get it all in perspective. I might so upstairs and speak to him now, and offer a bag of mini cheddars as a peace offering!

OP posts:

Original poster

Itsinthefridge · 16/06/2018 18:07

Ooof MrsHappy that was a bit harsh! Have you got teenagers or have you got more than one child? It's very difficult when you see one child be really horrible to another. My anger at my youngest is really because I'm protective of my eldest which is one of those complicated mother things isn't it??

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 16/06/2018 18:11

Yes to the cheddars.... Pop into his room regularly....say "What're you watching?: in a light tone...bring him a drink. This is what I do with DD....she now comes out of her own accord quite often!

NotAnotherHeffalump · 16/06/2018 18:12

I agree, set tougher parental controls. Directing him towards criminal studies is also a good idea. My son also bores me senseless with Fortnite, but I think it's really important to engage them and be part of their world. So if he's talking to you about Pablo Escabar I'd try and seem really interested (maybe watch Narcos and swot up a bit!), but i'd be subtly highlighting the negatives of that sort of thing.

My kids are only young, but I was a truly awful teenager and drove my mother to insanity. I think if you can keep some sort of a relationship going with your son during the teenage years, where he feels he can be open with you things are more likely to pan out, which I'm sure is much easier said than done .

Original poster

Itsinthefridge · 16/06/2018 18:20

Thanks guys, some of you are so lovely and some of you are so judgy!!! I'll take the good comments and sign off now. The Cheddars have gone down well xx

OP posts:

Serin · 16/06/2018 18:23

I seriously cant recommend Army cadets enough. It's twice a week and many weekends away at army bases. How much trouble can they get into on an army base?? It's good for getting them away from screens as it's all real life stuff, first aid, team building, drill, survival skills, shooting. It is cheap as chips as well (2 week annual camp £60), uniform is free.

liverbird10 · 16/06/2018 18:28

You could sell him to another family on ebay?

AndromedaPerseus · 16/06/2018 18:28

I found 14 the toughest age with my dcs but they did improve over the next couple of years. Just grit your teeth medicate with when necessary and say to yourself “This too will pass”

MinaPaws · 16/06/2018 18:33

It may be a phase. My DS2 was also obsessed with Pablo Escobar at that age. (Weird, isn't it?) Do you think he's jealous of DS1 for getting your attention, evern if it is just your concern for his future?

Have you tried going out of the house, just the two of you, to do something he wants or likes - new sports kit or just going to a cafe and chatting. If you do it once a week, he'll eventually open up and you can discuss other stuff. Can you afford to treat him to stuff that isn't screen related - tickets to a gig or a comedy night with you, or to a show? Anything to widen his interest.

Original poster

Itsinthefridge · 16/06/2018 18:42

liverbird and yes, might have opened the wine AndromedaPerseus Relieved to see your post re Pablo MinaPaws !! I do need to give him more 1 to1 attention. I think it's all a bit more subtle than just policing his internet/gaming habits... and shouting at him for being horrible to his brother

OP posts:

Clairetree1 · 16/06/2018 18:45

You need to be in control of what games he is playing and what he is looking at on the internet. That is entirely your responsibility.

Who do you imagine will care for your elder child when you die? Have you ever discussed this with the younger one? He might be full of resentment and dread that it is all going to be down to him for life.

Clairetree1 · 16/06/2018 18:47

Talk to him!! ask him what he is thinking about, worrying about, what is hopes and ambitions are, support him, take him out on his own, follow up on his interests. What is is favourite subject at school? What does he hope to do in the sixth form? What can you do to help him explore and develop these interests now?

Flip

1 2