AIBU to really not like my 14 year old DS

[Itsinthefridge]

I have 2 DS 16 & 14. My older boy has learning difficulties and is quite easy to deal with. Apart from the constant worry and crippling fear about his future (!) he is very straight forward, likes to be with his Mum and Dad or watching football, no trouble. My 14 year old is a nightmare. He's so horrible all the time. He barely emerges from his room but when he does he's so objectionable, I dread hearing his footsteps on the stairs. He's always 100% negative towards his elder brother, pointing out his lack of life chances etc if he so much as looks at him. He's obsessed with prison, drug taking and dealing, rap music (and Fortnite obviously) He is lazy at school and has already been in trouble twice this year for not exactly bullying other kids, but playing it pretty close to the line. I know he's a teenager etc etc but I am seriously worried about how we bred someone so unpleasant.

I think it will definitely be worth looking at ways of reconnecting with him. Maybe a cool day out doing something hes into, without his older brother. With a younger child, id suggest love bombing, but with a 14 year old i think you need to be more subtle, although that depends on his maturity, but he definitely needs to feel like hes an important and wanted member of the family

My DS 13 is a very much like this at the moment.

I did buy a PS4 playlink game called Hidden Agenda which we spent the afternoon playing the other day, it was a fun bonding moment.

I bought another one called Knowledge is Power which he managed to play with his DD and they actually had fun, communicated and enjoyed themselves for a change together, he can be bloody rude to her at the moment.

Amazingly Clairetree1 I have thought of that!! We have often talked about it and I have tried to reassure him. Fortunately, there's a good chance my elder son will be able to live independently.

I might start another thread on monitoring teenager's internet viewing as the reality is it is extremely difficult. It's not unreasonable for a 14 year old to have a phone (in fact useful as I do let him out of my sight) and however much you fiddle with the settings, then can put them back. Some people might insist their kids can only have a phone if they let them look at their browsing history, but that too is fraught with problems. Would you insist on listening in to your kids' conversations with their friends? Would you want to read every message they sent to a girl/boy they fancied? As you're all telling me it's about keeping the communication channels open and trying to instill as much of your values in them so they make good choices. As all parents of teenagers know sometimes they are just horrible! It's their hormones, their frontal lobes haven't developed yet so they are unable to feel empathy etc etc And in all of this as a parent you have to be the grown up even if you want to sulk in your room sometimes!

TantricTwist Thanks, I hadn't heard of either of those games. My boys do play Fifa together sometimes, but it usually ends in an argument.

there's a good chance my elder son will be able to live independently.

and if he can't?

I might start another thread on monitoring teenager's internet viewing as the reality is it is extremely difficult.

It isn't difficult at all, you set it up from your device, and you can see and control other devices.

I think it's just hit me what the problem is!! I am spending too much time arguing with people about my kids on social media instead of actually talking to them. DS in question just came downstairs and I was so busy being irritated with Clairetree1 I didn't really speak to him (this post is light hearted before everyone weighs in on my internet addiction)

Itsinthefridge, you have my total sympathy. I'm sure there are lots of perfect parents on here, with perfectly controlled teenagers...but, funnily enough, the number of books on parenting teenagers suggests there are no easy answers and it's not as simple as some posters on here try to say it is. 😡

ok, so you tell me, when was the last time you took him somewhere for an outing initiated by him?

@Itsinthefridge it's probably tough for him, wth the extra needs your older son has, but also a lot of 14 year olds aren't very pleasant but grow into perfectly normal humans. I was also a bit obsessed with crime, gangs etc at his age, I work in criminal justice now, maybe try and encourage him to study psychology/sociol policy/criminology a bit further down the line he'll find it fascinating

I'm never 100% sure what he's looking at on the internet

He is 14. You should know what he is up to.

I think it's important to do as much family stuff together as you can. We have 2 teen boys that never slope off to their rooms. They are both currently slack-jawed on a sofa looking at their ipads, but they're in the sitting room with us!

The world cup is on, the best opportunity ever invented for mums to sit down with their teenage sons! And discuss, provide, make, and share football related snacks etc. We're having a competition ,Each game we watch together one family member has to provide a snack that represents the flag of one of the countries.

Sorry for my daft comment, @Itsinthefridge. I have no sensible answer so was just hoping I could cheer you up! :)

Ed Not all teens are the same you know. Some need space...discussion and a bit of tech know how ensures my child isn't ever looking at anything they shouldn't.

I believe it is entirely normal 14 year old behaviour. My DSD was a nightmare at that age and now she is fine (she's 19 now).

Fortnite is fine for a 14 year old as long as he has time away from it too.

It's great he recognises COD GTA are not for him at the moment.

Re the gang thing ill pm you the name of an amazing guy he might want to follow on social media. He is an ex gang member and heroin addict and he is now a mentor to kids He will reply if your son messages him with questions.

My dd is suddenly into ghosts and teaching the dead! So it's ok at this age I think to suddenly be curious about what we consider off best.

Grrrrrr I can't remember how to PM If you want to message me I'll reply.

Until one of you can remind me how to do it. Can u do it on the mob app.

Does the 14 year old feel loved and treasured and respected?

Ds at 14 is almost unrecognisable 2 years later. Literally.
I was so worried about him. He was overweight, did the bare minimum. Stayed in his room the whole time. Wouldn't go anywhere, wouldn't do anything, was rude to anyone who ventured into his room and generally had no direction. I thought I was going to have a 30 year old "my 600lb life" video gamer living with me.

2 years later he knows what he wants to do, (he has a second career he wants to pursue also.) He has lost huge amounts of weight and is taking much more interest in his appearance and generally is a lot more pleasant to be around.
He also studied for his GCSEs so he would get into the college course he wants to do.

Keep communications open and look on it as a temporary state.
The catalyst for ds was looking at different career options. Even narrowing it down to did he want to work indoors or outdoors, in the same place or different places each day

I also did his horoscope which I kept to myself. Although I interpreted it as a particular career because he is good at a certain subject.
As it happens he has chosen a particular career working with the same element.

Fwiw I recognise the drug dealing, Pablo Escobar conversation. Not that ds was in reality doing anything. He was HE and didn't really meet with other children.

YANBU My daughters went through periods, years even, when I didn't like them, their behaviour towards me, towards each other, towards our home.
One played an online role play video game so much that she missed the last two years of school. There was very little support and no help from school, they just kept threatening to prosecute me for depriving my daughter of the services to which she was entitled, but not helping me try and get her out of the house every single day for school.
The police were involved due to the RAGE whenever I removed her access to the game.
Our GP said that the new generation of doctors will hopefully know more about video game addiction than she does, very helpful.
Daughter ended up being 'educated at home', organised by whoever it was that school eventually got involved and she ended up with adult literacy and numeracy certificates, so nothing!
I didn't like her for a lot of the time during those two years, nearly ten years ago now and there have been many more periods of time when I have found it extremely difficult to tolerate living with teenagers and young adults, who, just because I'm their mum, treat me and our home with such contempt.
It's got a lot better this last year, they are still at home aged 25 and 23 and are [fingers crossed] finally growing up and becoming the awesome women I hoped they would be.
They didn't like me either.

I also have a 14 yr old DS so I sympathise. They do ‘talk the talk’ about crap - drugs, roadmen, etc but mine is as straight as a die. Some of it is to ‘fit in’ and some they get from gaming I suppose. i have found that this is a ripe age for changes in friendships as they mature at different rates. LoDd of stuff going on in their brains thatskes them stroppy and confused. Ds and I watched a prog on Nrtflix about Escobar recently, maybe you can bond doing this. Was quite interesting but he got bored after a while. The reality of life as a drugs baron not as exciting as he thought!
Fortnite is also insidious, but def did the right thing to no more GTA or CoD - none of that here despite protestations.

I did have a good chat with DS before bed. We discussed the American criminal justice system and how weird it would be if you were from a 'respectable' family and ended up in prison!!?! (I didn't suggest he watched "Orange is the New Black'!) I thought a lot about some posters' comments about doing stuff he wanted to do. We probably choose too many activities to fit with his brother. He said he'd like to go to London for the day. DS1 gets nervous in crowds, so that's something I'll do with him on his own in the Summer holidays. Some progress! (until the arguing btw brothers starts later in the day )

Aww feel for you itsinthefridge as I said on an earlier post, I was a truly awful teenager. I look back at what I put my poor mum (and everyone else) through and just cringe. It isn't easy being a teenager, and I'm sure it isn't easy parenting them either.