To think that DH should take over in the house when I have a flare up of my chronic condition?

[WilsonPhillips]

We both work full time. 2 DCs aged 8 and 11.

I have a chronic condition that is unlikely to get any better. It may not get any worse but will never get better. I am on medication and for the most part am ok and always end up doing everything in the house and for the DCs.

My condition does flare up from time to time and I have a few days where I'm really unwell and tired and just can't do the things I normally do.

AIBU to expect DH to take over in the house if I am unwell? He doesn't think he should have to (although my condition is a bone of contention for him anyway), and that I can just catch up on everything when I'm better. Ok so yes I can hoover and do laundry etc to catch up but I can't exactly tell the kids to have no meals and I'll cook them all when I'm better can I?!

I'm feeling very unwell today and DH hasn't done a thing. He won't even discuss what we're going to have for dinner tonight or go to the shop to buy food.

I don’t have any chronic illnesses but have had fairly bad morning sickness for the past 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks DH has done all the washing, ironing, cleaning and cooking (when he’s here) so that I can rest. Because he loves me and doesn’t want to see me suffering/struggling. He works full time and I’m a SAHM.

He's not your friend.

Instead of just taking over when you're unwell he should be getting off his arse the rest of the time. You both work full time he can do half the housework. Then it won't be such a shock to the system when you're ill.

@ElspethFlashman
Never truer words spoken

Fucking sad that you’re dh isn’t even a friend to you

He absolutely should be taking over when you have a flare. He should be doing 50% of stuff anyway.
However I can't get over the fact he doesn't believe you, how completely unsupportive and undermining of him. My chronic condition is very physically evident when it flares but I wouldn't expect to be thought to be lying if it wasn't. I'm not sure I could get over that.

TammySwanson
Snap. I have the exact same 4 diagnoses as you. It’s shit. Radical Hysterectomy this coming Thursday.

Wilson
I’m sorry your husband doesn’t believe you. Mine took quite a while to get it and to understand I’m a chronically ill disabled person. He still sees me as the default parent. The only way round it is for me to physically go to bed. For him it’s a signal that I can’t do it.

To a certain extent can your 11 yo feed themself and the 8 yo? Some days I’m too ill to make dd food and she helps herself. The key is that I always have plenty of food in and have food deliveries. Is that a possibility for you to sort this and get it delivered when your husband is around?

I’m far too ill to work so I am able to pace myself and sort deliveries. But at my most ill i was unable to navigate a food shopping website so dh used to shop for us when dd was little.

Would you qualify for a disabled badge or anything? What I have learnt from my family - mother/brother is they need a diagnosis and actual physical stuff. I am nc with my brother. He shouted at me I’m not disabled. I’d chosen not to get a badge. I have one now as I’ve deteriorated since. He can’t deny I am now. And even if I hadn’t have qualified for one, I am still disabled under the equality act.

I also have just employed cleaners. They don’t do as good job as me. But I often don’t do it at all. I appreciate all this costs money and I don’t know your financial situation.

What a prick. Get a divorce and hire a cleaner.

If I'm ill no he won't feed the kids, I have to feed them myself.

Sounds like a prince of a man you've got there.

Does your husband think he knows more than your doctor?

It's fucking shit when you're in the middle of a flare and you can barely string 2 words together. And as for feeding the kids.... well my local takeaway knows me by name and delivers to my living room window and not my door now.

Cook meals are surprisingly edible and are worth having in the freezer for when cooking ain't happening. I also use those gousto dinner kits as it's all measured out and the recipes are easy to follow for when you're brain fogging.

If your dc are 8 and 11 they should be more than capable of doing jobs in the house I.e hoovering, loading the washing machine...... However, your husband is an arse and needs to pull his finger out of his arse and get helping or otherwise he can pay for some serious domestic help. It's not what your condition is caused that is the issue, but how it affects you.

In sickness and in health, right?

This man doesn’t sound very nice, to put it politely. I’d think long and hard about what he actually contributes to your life and the lives of your DC.

Rest up. Could the kids get involved with cooking a meal with their Dad’s help today?

I was in a similar situation (see below).

Work out what you love about him... Is that worth staying for? Your children are growing up in a family where one parent (at least) has no respect of the other. Do you want you or your children to live with such a depth of distrust?

He was never involved with children and refused to do any household duties. His mantra was 'men and dogs were made to roam, women and cats to stay at home'.

I had major spinal surgery and made sure the consultant spoke to my EXH about what was happening, what I could do etc. He mocked me on the way out of the hospital.

I have been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had initially been misdiagnosed. He is now feeling very guilty but I don't give a shit and remind him, when I see him, what a bastard he was to me. Our children do not respect him, like him, love him or see him. He sends so many begging emails and messages to us all. Sad, eh? I don't block him because it gives me an empowering feeling. I don't even care if that is wrong.

OP, please look after yourself, do what is right for you and your precious children and don't be frightened of making huge changes.