To think that DH should take over in the house when I have a flare up of my chronic condition?

[WilsonPhillips]

We both work full time. 2 DCs aged 8 and 11.

I have a chronic condition that is unlikely to get any better. It may not get any worse but will never get better. I am on medication and for the most part am ok and always end up doing everything in the house and for the DCs.

My condition does flare up from time to time and I have a few days where I'm really unwell and tired and just can't do the things I normally do.

AIBU to expect DH to take over in the house if I am unwell? He doesn't think he should have to (although my condition is a bone of contention for him anyway), and that I can just catch up on everything when I'm better. Ok so yes I can hoover and do laundry etc to catch up but I can't exactly tell the kids to have no meals and I'll cook them all when I'm better can I?!

I'm feeling very unwell today and DH hasn't done a thing. He won't even discuss what we're going to have for dinner tonight or go to the shop to buy food.

He sees it as your job because you always do all of it. Why?

Honestly what the fuck are you doing married to a man who won't clean his own house, do his own laundry or feed his own fucking kids, illness or not?

I have a chronic condition and two children and this wouldn't be a conversation in my house. My husband is no means perfect but he is an equal parent and so we rotate cooking anyway. I would leave any man who wouldn't feed my children when I was ill

I’d leave a man who didn’t feel he had a responsibility to feed his children, illness or not.

You have a chronic DH problem. Do you have a consultant he would listen too? He might take it seriously if someone official told him.

He doesn't think he should have to (although my condition is a bone of contention for him anyway), and that I can just catch up on everything when I'm better

And where's the love in that attitude?

What is he adding to your life? Just divorce him so you don't have to pick up after the lazy, selfish arse and cook and wash for him.

Fibromyalgia right?
He's a prick, fuck him right off to fuck.

And when he gets to fuck you can send the kids there every other weekend and have a well earned rest.

’My illness is a bone of contention because he doesn't believe I'm ill‘

Wow. Just wow. I don’t think I could be with someone who thought that way. So he doesn’t trust you?

My dh takes over if I'm bad, orders me back on the sofa. I don't work (actually I'm fairly sure no one would employ me) so I can really pace myself through the day.

I wouldn't tolerate someone who disbelieved me being unwell and wouldn't help in a flare.

If it's fibro then it is very real. I developed secondary fibro a few years ago but I know many see it as a dustbin diagnosis that's not real.

Wow, he won't do work around his own house and he doesn't even believe you have a condition in the first place? He'd be straight out the door if he were my husband.

YANBU. You shouldn't have to do anything more than you feel you can when you have a flare up. Hire a cleaner (I paid a friend £20 a week to do my cleaning when my condition flared up last, it did us both a favour!) and put your feet up for a bit while he packs his bags hopefully gets the message.

OP, only you know whether or not you want to continue in a relationship with your DH. The way you've described him doesn't exactly make him sound like a prince and perhaps there are some serious conversations to be had about what you expect/need/want from him vs what will happen if you don't get it.

For the moment it looks like you're on child duty. Order food delivery for the DC, something that can be eaten out of the packet so no washing up needed afterwards like pizza or chippy. They're old enough to sort out their own pyjamas and put themselves to bed with minimal direction. Your DH is an arsehole and shouldn't be leaving this all to you when you're not well

I'm guessing fibromyalgia/CFS. There's a lot of people who don't believe either of those really exist, or rather that they're not as severe as claimed etc.

Does your DH really believe you'd fake something and leave your dcs without food?! I rarely say this but I think you're in LTB territory.

He doesn’t believe it? So fibro or ME, right? I have diagnoses of both, along with endometriosis and adenomyosis.
When I first got together with my DH I’m not sure he believed it either (only had endo diagnosis then) so I asked him to come with me when I had appointments and surgery. Hearing the consultant explain what he’d just found in my surgery completely changed his attitude (he was never unpleasant), but once we started living together he saw it for himself anyway. When I eventually had to stop working, he did all the cooking and urgent cleaning and worked full time, and I did a proper clean when I was up to it. He never once complained about it. He knows I would do the same for him.

I’m used to people disbelieving me but he’s the one person who knows how bad it is because he lives with it too. What doesn’t he believe exactly?

He doesn't believe you're ill? And he won't feed his children?

Wow, he sounds like a real catch OP...

'He thinks that the illness I have doesn't really exist'

You should buy him a frame. Then he can put his fucking medical degree in it and hang it on the wall.

My daughter suffers from ME/CFS so if it's that I feel for you.

I know many see it as a dustbin diagnosis that's not real.

The pain is real, but fibro kinda is a "dustbin" diagnosis in the sense it's a "we have zero clue what your problem is, so we'll call it X" diagnosis. IBS is the same, it's the throwing-up-our-hands one size fits all catch-all term for too many things. That doesn't make the actual pain any less real but they're very flimsy diagnoses at the best of times.

Regardless of whether the actual diagnosis is ‘flimsy’, the OP is telling her husband that she feels very ill and incapable of cooking for their children tonight, and he doesn’t care.

Oh dear OP. My dh works full time, I am a sahm with school age dc and he still helps me enormously day to day and even more if I am having a bad day with my chronic condition (JHS, a feature of which is fatigue). He knows my triggers and tries to prevent me having a flare up in the first place - he is kind, considerate and helpful when I am feeling unwell. Your dh needs to step up - I think I’d seriously be considering leaving if I were in your position.

I would say ltb even if you weren’t dealing with a chronic condition
He does not help at all??
He doesn’t even vaguely like you op. Sadly

I have fibromyalgia and a couple of other things, and there are times I can literally do nothing. I've a tendency to apologise for being useless, but DH takes the view that somewhere among our wedding vows was something about sickness and health, and that he married me, all of me.

So he doesn't get funny about having to make dinner when I can't. Or do things with our son because I can't. Or do essential housework when I can barely dress myself. Even now, where I've had to completely give up work, he picks up the slack when I'm ill, and it would never cross his mind to be an arsehole about this stuff.

As tough as it is being ill, being married to someone who won't take your side, won't support you and won't accept their equal responsibility to work as an true partner in the relationship, has got to be adding substantially to your stress levels, which in itself is detrimental to most chronic conditions. At least if you split up, he'd have to do everything for the kids when he had contact. And wouldn't be constantly undermining you and making you feel like shit when you need rest and support.

So no. Your DH is an arse and you deserve a lot better

Why on earth would you put up with a man who
A) thinks your lying
B) refuses to help out on a daily basis
C) refuses to help when you're ill
D) refuses to feed his own kids

What a twat.

I have an illness which sporadically flares up. But my husband already does a massive amount of the family workload and has done since we got together. So making dinner, hoovering, cleaning and childcare are no problem for him. Your not so d husband needs to start stepping up all the time!!! Taking his share of all the chores all the time xx

Hope you feel better soon.