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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This has always bothered me

45 replies

AnyLondoner · 16/06/2018 13:52

You know in the midst of a separation/divorce, you reflect back on your marriage and just think about everything that went wrong. This has always bothered, and I need to hear other people’s view on this.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely happy that he’s getting out of my life, but like I said this has always bothered me.

My MIL is a typical if not worse “my boy can do no wrong, nobody is good enough for him” MIL, we’ve had so many problems and arguments in the past, I’ve always tried to have a relationship with her but she’s very difficult.

What annoyed me the most is her lack of social life and her relationship with her son. Her not having any friends has stopped us from doing certain things. For instance, I’ve always wanted to move out of London but he would refuse and say he don’t want to move that far from his mum.

Even moving to a different London borough is out of the question, we had to stay in the same borough.

Going on holiday is a difficult one too, we once had a 2 week holiday booked to Spain, and he almost cancelled it because two weeks was a long time to be away from his mum. That would have been the longest time he’s ever gone without seeing her, and he felt bad that she was upset. So she managed to go away to Rome with one of her ex partners(that she doesn’t like) whilst we were away, so she wouldn’t have to be alone in the UK for two weeks.

She spends most of her days at our house, he’s constantly taking her out for lunches, coffees, shopping whilst I stay at home with the kids.

If she needs to go to the doctors he’ll go with her, her GP is literally 2 mins from her house. She needs to buy new shoes? He’s coming! Dentist? He’s there!

She’s in her 60s and fully capable of doing it on her own, but wants him there for some reason.
Her WHOLE life is her son, she has no social life no friends. He could never go backpacking around Europe for 2 months, he would feel too guilty because his mother would be “alone”.

I could understand if she was 90 or 104 and she needed care, and he wanted to be close to her but she’s a 60 something women FFS, it just pisses me off that she makes no effort in making friends, socialising do anything with her life, she just relies on her son.

I see people 20 years older than her out and about, doing interesting things. Some people her age are still working. We’ve suggested in the past she should join clubs, but she refuses and thinks they are for “older people”. She’s just fucking lazy and just want to rely on her son.

My three children are under 7, but when they’re grown up and they want to go explore Asia for 6 months, I would be more than happy for them and wave them off. I want them to enjoy their lives and do things they want, no way am I gonna sit in their houses 3-5 times a week drinking tea. Nope, I’m busy wining and dining, travelling, exploring the world.

Even though we’re getting divorced, I feel sorry for him sometimes because if he does something that doesn’t involve her, she makes him feel guilty and he ends up not doing it.

In the past when I would say something, he would accuse me of being jealous. This is not a normal relationship right?

OP posts:
AnyLondoner · 16/06/2018 14:12

Guess it's normal then Grin

OP posts:
SabineUndine · 16/06/2018 14:17

No it’s not but it’s up to him to break free.

OneOrNone · 16/06/2018 14:17

I could never marry someone like that! So unattractive.

AnyLondoner · 16/06/2018 14:19

I know One, I never knew things were like this between him and his mum, we married fairly quickly and didn't take the time to get to know each other properly. That's one of the reasons why I lost for him, his child like relationship with his mum.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 16/06/2018 14:22

Her not having friends has stopped us from doing things

No he is an adult man. He has stopped you doing things. But no it's not normal.

melodybirds · 16/06/2018 14:23

It will probably get worse not better as she ages. It's a shame but he obviously will not change. I know a lady who divorced for similar reasons.

Fairyliz · 16/06/2018 14:23

No that's not normal it fact I would say its totally weird.
I'm in my 50's and I have known a few men 'tied to their mothers apron strings' but nothing to that extent.

I should imagine its a big relief to get out of the relationship.

littlemisscomper · 16/06/2018 14:25

I've very close with my mum but that does sound extreme! Did his father die/leave at a pivotal time in his childhood, so he was left feeling his duty was to become the 'Man of the House' or whatever?

MeyYael · 16/06/2018 14:25

It's not normal.

But your ex-DH seems to encourage this... They're stuck in a codependent pattern imo.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 16/06/2018 14:25

You make it sound like it’s all her fault. To be fair, he didn’t actually have to engage with any of that nonsense, particularly after he had a family of his own.
One of life’s bachelors, by the sound of things.

Candlelight123 · 16/06/2018 14:25

No it's very abnormal, can he really not see that?

Cambionome · 16/06/2018 14:29

Totally odd behaviour from both of them!

You are doing the right thing, op.

teamclean · 16/06/2018 14:35

I feel sorry for him sometimes because if he does something that doesn’t involve her, she makes him feel guilty and he ends up not doing it

I get that, but he should be sorry for what it's done to your marriage - it seems he is not sorry enough to put you first. That's why he is losing you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/06/2018 14:37

To HIM it's normal. To HER it's normal. To the rest of the world it's barking fucking insane, but they've only got experience of their relationship.

Let them have their fucked-up normality. When she dies, he'll be all alone in the world and it will be too late.

DinkyDaisy · 16/06/2018 14:38

Are the three children his?
If so- guess both he and she will be part of your life somewhat.
Not normal but I also know happens a fair amount though maybe not to this degree....

DiegoMadonna · 16/06/2018 14:43

I don't know a single adult that attached to their mum. Almost cancelled a 2-week holiday because it's too long to be away from her? Gross.

Absolutely not normal.

loveka · 16/06/2018 14:50

Bloody hell, I feel sorry for him too!

My mother was very close to her other children (I lived with my dad) and saw them every day, went on holiday with them etc. But this was totally mutual. Even the daughter and son in laws loved it.

This sounds like she puts a guilt trip on him?

It sounds like he never really grew up. It is a shame for both of you, because this is probably the underlying reason why your marriage failed.

littlerocketman · 16/06/2018 14:57

That sounds awful. What a pity he wasn't able to address this before it was too late for his relationship. Wishing you the best of luck as you move on.

Ruffian · 16/06/2018 15:02

It's really excessive but is there something in his early life to account for it? Some problem with his Father, absent or abusive that bonded them together?

It's a shame for both of them really, his marriage has failed and she has not friends, they are going to be very isolated together.

TheSingingKettle · 16/06/2018 15:08

No yanbu, it’s totally weird and I’m surprised you got to the stage of having children with this man-child.
At least you know what not to do when your children are older.

AnyLondoner · 16/06/2018 15:11

His dad died when he was 6, but I don't believe that's got something to do with it. When he goes out with her, it's not like he doesn't enjoy it. He likes it, so I do think there's some codependency there.

He likes to be taken care of, and she likes to take care of him. It was just yesterday I came home in the afternoon with the kids, she was in the kitchen ironing his clothes, while he just sat in his boxers, on the sofa playing games on his phone. I didn't even know she was coming.

It was 2 years ago I stopped loving him, but only 6 months ago I had the courage to end it. I didn't love him anymore, didn't find him attractive and lost all respect for him. I just saw him as a little boy who needed his mother, and her needing someone to take care of.

I just want to be with an proper fully functioning adult Sad

OP posts:
AnyLondoner · 16/06/2018 15:15

She's actually due to come round tomorrow, because he has to take her "somewhere " Hmm

OP posts:
speakout · 16/06/2018 15:16

Sorry OP but this was your choice. And you are right it is not a "normal " relationship.

I had a wonderful relationship with a man in my early 20s.
He was lovely- ticked all the boxes for me.

BUT

Like your OH he had this weird mother thing going on. We dated seriously for 4 years
We set up home together ( just for a year), but there were so many "rules".
Every Sunday was a day set aside for his mother.
High days and holidays- she was priority.
Christmas that year he left at 8am and didn't return until 9pm that evening- as he didn't want his mother to be alone on christmas day ( which I had to endure)

In all other respects total marriage material for me- great career, loads of similar interests, we shared the same humour, loved to cook and eat good food, loved going on holiday, great companionship.

And as much as I " blamed " her, it was that part of him that I started to find deeply unattractive. The biddable nature, the inability to grow a pair, to stand up, to prioritise. His mother was an intelligent and formidable woman but I knew in my gut that if we did marry and had kids there would be huge conflict and sorrow ahead.
So I ditched him.
He was distraught, I was distraught.
A sad situation.

Pity you didn't heed the warning lights earlier OP.

AnyLondoner · 16/06/2018 15:21

Yes I understand speakout, but sometimes you need to make this mistakes in order to know what you want. And it ain't gonna be another mummy's boy, that's for sure.

I remember a few years back, when I started to loose feelings for him, I started to doubt myself. Maybe it's not that bad, he just loves his mum. He's just trying to help her etc..

OP posts:
Ruffian · 16/06/2018 15:25

His dad died when he was 6, but I don't believe that's got something to do with it

Really? Surely it's got a lot to do with it?

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