To wonder where DCs politeness and behaviour comes from?

[LovelyBath77]

Not boastful, but can't mention to mums in RL (did once and said sounded 'smug') but although they were a handful at times when toddlers, now as older children they (two boys) seemed to have turned into saints.

They always say please and thank you, ask to leave the table and hug me before they go out, ask me how I am and how my day has been, etc. It is just like living with adults really. But they are 9 and 13.

Is it simply that they are getting older / developing empathy? I can't remember ever telling them to do these things. Is it their schools (seem to have good discipline) or peer group?

Honestly, not trying to boast but wondering where does it come from?

Didn't you teach them these things...?

No, not really! That's the thing. Had other family children round about the same age and they didn't say please and thank you and thought that was odd.- quite rude.

Maybe they just learn it from school. I asked my youngest and he said he learned it from his brother.

I remember not being like this at that age myself as a child, but think my parents had no boundaries with me, perhaps.

Did you not teach them to be polite? Have basic manners? I find that more odd than wondering where it came from tbh! My 3 year old says please and thank you, tidys up when asked etc because I've taught him to do it.

Maybe it will change as they get older and they will turn into total Kevin's in later teenage-hood!

No, I have never told them to, but I guess DH and I do thank each other for stuff etc, maybe they learn from that.

You might not have directly taught the behaviour, but if it's the way you behave within your immediate family and they see people getting good outcomes from that behaviour, eg nice relationships, good times, happy environment, that's what they will learn, it's called pro-social modelling. Equally of children grow up seeing people scream and shout and break things, but ultimately it gets them what they want, that's what they learn. No one would ever have told them intimidate someone and you'll get what you want, it's just learned behaviour.

I think kids pick up how to interact with people from their parents. If you and Dh talk to each other and other people respectfully and politely, then will tend to do the same.

You've never told your children to say please or thank you? I'm sorry but I just don't believe you. That's utterly weird!

Right, OK so when they are kind / polite etc I do often high them or whatever and praise them for being kind, so I guess that kind of reinforces it. I'm not that into rewards etc in terms of treats though, but maybe that is a good thing as they haven't learned to get things that way. (well they did try it when younger but soon nipped it in the bud.) It could just be luck and temperament too perhaps.

Kind of shocked at a couple we have had on playdates too, older ones also old enough to know better! One, was really rude to his mum also she she just kind of smiled indulgently. I would be so upset if mine spoke to me like that. I wondered why she didn't express how she felt to the child. Or maybe she didn't mind / was used to it.

hug them, I meant.

I don't think I have ever needed to tell them because they just do it already. If they didn't then I guess I would though..

You probably modlelled (sp) behaviour so they learned to be polite they are nice kids not all kids turn into hellbeasts as teenagers so you don't have to expect it.

Hmm, DH and I do have our share of arguments though. We're not angels. But most of the time we are OK. We all eat family meals most days etc, which is good I guess. Have routines / structure.

That's good to know, Mrs, keep wondering when it will hit! They can sometimes be a bit funny about doing jobs like the recycling (which I don't like too) but then they say, oh sorry mum, and get stuck in. They both seem very caring / kind which I guess is good. They often comment, oh, poor mum, you seem tired, that kind of thing!

The thing is, other parents are also polite etc so how come some of the kids can turn so rude though.

Second the people saying they're learning from modelled behaviour, I think children learn far more from the behaviour they see around them than from what they are told (and if there's a conflict between the two, they'll go by what they see not what they're told).

I think it is emotional intelligence and some people are very good at it! One of my DC has it in abundance, so much so I ask them for help, the other D.C. not so much...

Not sure it's always because of emotional intelligence! Our family aren't good on emotional intelligence, but DP and I always treat each other decently, and DC have always been polite.

I don't think you sound smug, it's lovely to notice and talk about the good things your children do. I think your boys sound lovely

I thin they definitely seem to learn from the older one, too. My youngest looks up to the older one and learns from him. Older one's secondary school very keen on discipline etc, (they stand up when teacher comes in, say Sir, etc) and emphasises politeness and social skills a lot. If they don't they have to go to a work room and work in silence, a child was suspended for saying a rude work and chewing gum on class for example- it just isn't tolerated. And they get 'positives'-points for good behaviour and effort which is shared online with the parents as well. So, having that as well is a real support for parents.

I also think they've just learnt from your behaviour rather than anything specific you've said. Maybe you just model that type of polite behaviour on a day to day basis and it's normal to them.

Thanks Summer, I'm not smug, I do find parents in RL sometimes seem to focus on negatives all the time (or you can get the other type who go on about the results etc) as well. I don't want to be either. I also don't see children as a direct result of your parenting either, or an extension of you, as some of the ones I know seem to.

They are more like a strange mystery I try and deal with and live with the best I can.

My Dd was a bit of a huffy mare but I could have had it worse Dd2 was no real bother

DS2 was 2 when I saw him step back from the top of the mini slide to allow a little girl to go first (complete with gentle hand gesture). He would hold open plastic curtains in soft play for others to crawl through, return balls to other children. Said ‘Peez’ and ‘gam woo’ without prompting. Freaked us out!

What we witness as children shapes us. If our DPs have good manners we will learn them without even noticing. The older I get the more thankful I am for my upbringing, which has helped me so much.

Years ago I spent the evening talking to a single mum of 3 who had really been through the mill. Everyone from her mum to her ExDP used to beat her. Now she was free for the first time.

She said she was determined to be a good mum but that people didn't realize how hard that was when you've never experienced one. Her social worker was helping but she said it wasn't enough. I told her that just wanting to be a good parent put her on the right track. Bad parents never even consider the issue.