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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are men horrible?

34 replies

Cheerymom · 16/06/2018 03:02

Three long relationships with men. All has dcs, one died but still have great relationships with his two DDs second has unbeknown to me had a family ( fair enough I was in a sate of grief), current DP has two sons, under 10, whom I like and when in my care do everything to make their time with us nurturing, fun and loved. DPS family are lovely , 6 siblings ( Irish as am I) are totally supportive of me and DP; I am financially dependent and about to buy my ideal home, which in ireland is very possible as I sold London flat bought as a teacher.BUT I find every woman I am close to ( given my job) hate their husbands. They hate that they do all the emotional and practical work to keep a house with children working. From my own experience of living with third DP with two DSS, I am running ti the hills, i.e. buying my own home. Are there women who are actually happy to share their home with men ?

OP posts:

echt · 16/06/2018 03:18

I loved my late DH beyond measure. He was a good chap. Now I think of it, people queued up to say so. There was no inequality of work in the home in our day-to-day lives, which I think is key. Significantly, we never talked about the division of labour ( bar the ironing. Once.), it just happened; a symptom, I believe of how fortunate we were to be on the same page about our lives. He always used to say the reason we got along so well was because his habitual response to me was to obey and say: "Yes, dear":o

I wouldn't be in any hurry to share my home with anyone, though that is not a reflection on my relationship with late DH.

TanteRose · 16/06/2018 03:23

OP, of course all men are not horrible.
My DH and I are a great team and i love sharing a home with him.
We are quite different people in some ways and I have a very active social life without him (he prefers to stay at home).
But it works for us

Shutupanddance1 · 16/06/2018 03:27

Gosh no not all men are horrible, just like not all women are nice either.

I’m more than happy in my marriage - I got lucky to meet my DH in my very early 20s and we’ve grown together, been together a decade now. We are Irish as well . He was raised by single parent MIL and his 2 sisters helped take care of him when he was younger so I’d say he’s probably a bit more clued in than I give him credit for. He’s a great dad and definitely does his share.

If you don’t want to share a home with your DP cos you think he won’t pull his weight, don’t. I’ve seen too many good people be dragged down by others as they didn’t listen to their gut.

Monty27 · 16/06/2018 03:36

No. Some are. Sorry for your pain op.

Kingsclerelass · 16/06/2018 03:41

I live with ds, and have no desire to meet another man. Four relationships of 4 years plus have all ended badly.
I know three honestly decent men, who genuinely love their wives and aren’t just looking for a free cook & house keeper or someone to raise their children while they sleep around. One a long time friend, two others the husbands of friends So they do exist but are pretty rare.
I find life is happier without a man, it’s good to know I’m not being lied to, but it’s a very personal choice.
My challenge now is to raise my ds to be honest & decent.

MrsMollyMooMoo · 16/06/2018 03:45

No. My husband is a fantastic guy and I feel very lucky. Not all men are shits.

themightycrayon · 16/06/2018 04:07

Nobody's perfect, regardless of sex, age or social standing. My DH is far from perfect (as am I!), but I love him dearly and he loves me. Bad-mouthing your partner to others, in my experience, says far more about the complainer than it does about their partner.

Original poster

Cheerymom · 16/06/2018 13:20

No I don't think men are shits or horrible, I just can't get over the amount of women I know 40s usually who hate their husbands or feel unloved etc. If feels endemic. Or is it just a habit that women get into, surely they can't all be that bad? I don't complain as a rule but hear a lot. Are men equally dissing of their wives?

OP posts:

SluttyButty · 16/06/2018 13:35

My husband isn't horrible but he can be irritating at times. I generally find living with other people quite difficult anyway.

Some men are horrible. Some women are horrible. The end.

MirriVan · 16/06/2018 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlothSlothSloth · 16/06/2018 13:51

I don’t think all men are horrible, but because of the way they are brought up and the messages society sends about women’s and men’s roles, men are MORE LIKELY to slack off around the house, not recognise their female partners as full human beings, see childcare as not their job etc.

My current partner is not like this at all. But I had to kiss a lot of frogs to get here. I think men who make good partners probably are in short supply.

SlothSlothSloth · 16/06/2018 13:57

What I've found is that they don't really think about anyone but themselves. That can make them a huge pain to live with, because if you want them to do something that they don't naturally do for themselves, they'll not do it, cos they really don't give a shit about anyone else.

This is an interesting point. It’s drilled into boys/men that their ultimate contribution to a household is going out to work, and it’s fine if that’s their only contribution. This is something they’d have to do anyway, whether or not they had a family, yet the way it’s often portrayed as this great selfless sacrifice really seems to convince some men that something they are basically doing for themselves is an act of great kindness that absolves them of any other familial responsibility.

Again, note that I think this is a social thing. Not an inherent problem with men, as such. Women absorb and enforce these ideas too.

SilverySurfer · 16/06/2018 13:59

Of course not, some are, some aren't.

BertrandRussell · 16/06/2018 14:00

Not all men are horrible-of course they are’nt. And some women are horrible -of course they are.

But in my experience, men are often horrible in very similar ways, while women are horrible in lots of different ways. Which makes a critical mass of horrible men.

CountFosco · 16/06/2018 14:03

Some aren't, lots are.

fluffiphlox · 16/06/2018 14:06

No of course not all men are horrible. Many are lovely. My husband is, my Dad was , my grandad was, my uncle is. All of them are or were perfectly capable of doing their fair share. If you think all men are horrible, it’s probably the men you’re mixing with. Some men are of course unpleasant as are some women.

sleepymouse · 16/06/2018 14:09

Of course not all men are horrid. I sometimes think mumsnet can give a skewed perception because many times people not content or happy with partners will post asking for advice. You won't see those with lovely respectful partners posting just to say how wonderful their life is.
For what it's worth my DH is a lovely guy, fantastic father and really amazing partner. There are definitely nice guys out there, I think though that women will often settle for somone thinking they will change for the better, only to find that they don't change and continue to be the same old arsehole they always were

BlueBug45 · 16/06/2018 14:18

It’s drilled into boys/men that their ultimate contribution to a household is going out to work, and it’s fine if that’s their only contribution. This is something they’d have to do anyway, whether or not they had a family, yet the way it’s often portrayed as this great selfless sacrifice really seems to convince some men that something they are basically doing for themselves is an act of great kindness that absolves them of any other familial responsibility.

I've lived in a variety of house shares and I've noticed it was the men who were teachers who were the ones who didn't sit back and wait for the cleaning etc to happen and actually were proactive in doing it.

I've also noticed in quite a few couples I know now that if the woman makes it clear from the beginning she is not going to put up with a guy not pulling his weight and actually doesn't, he pulls his weight.

SlothSlothSloth · 16/06/2018 14:24

Yep. I think a lot of women do accidentally enable the laziness of their male partners. It’s very easily done, particularly if you aren’t aware of patterns to look out for (so if you haven’t read mumsnet!). By the time they realise what they’ve done, it’s too late and the man has come to take it for granted that everything will be done for him and pushes back hard when he’s asked to pull his weight. Then the resentment just builds and builds.

54321go · 16/06/2018 14:33

I think it is a problem with attitude.
Failure to acknowledge that life in general IS quite 'shit' and the perfection that women seem to have in their minds fosters resentment. Just reading some of the threads on MN makes me wonder what some women are actually thinking, or if they think at all.
I am not suggesting there should be any level of abuse going either way between a couple but the notion that two people can be totally 'in tune' with each other for all matters over many decades is ridiculous.
To EXPECT any other person to do something for you is wrong. To hope and encourage others to do things for you in a pleasant manner is acceptable.
Today I have done a little 'work', then some washing and prepared a meal and yesterday I did the shopping. Totally not a 'big deal' as there is no one else to do any of these things for me. Had there been someone else there would be a couple more bits in the washing and a larger portion of the meal. Totally a non issue.

siwel123 · 16/06/2018 14:51

People find their partners irritating at skme point or other

Regardless of gender there's some knobs quite simply.but being a man doesn't mean you're going to be a knob and being a women doesn't mean you can't be one

RoseWhiteTips · 16/06/2018 14:52

Many men are great. Ditto many women.

54321go · 16/06/2018 14:58

Reading Mumsnet posts has certainly scotched my ideas of finding a partner.

GrannyGrissle · 16/06/2018 15:16

I was married 10 years then left him. I'd never live with a man again. Yuck.

Pa1oma · 16/06/2018 15:50

Of course not all men are "horrible." None of my friends would describe their husband's like this. In fact, I've never heard anyone say it about their DH (except on MN of course).
Not doing housework does not make you horrible necessarily. Maybe your wife does 99% of it, but you work hard so she doesn't have to go out to work? As long as there's an overall balance, does it matter who does what?

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