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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to send out a message to my ex boyfriend friends saying all the things hes put me through?

55 replies

user1499536174 · 15/06/2018 17:37

This is the message I was so close to sending to his friends but thought it might be unreasonable so asking for second opinions.

Call me Alex fucking Forrest but I'm done.
Whats driven me to this? And also who am I? I'm Blank Blanks ex girlfriend, and now, the mother of his soon to be child.
About 22 weeks ago, blank blank got me pregnant. I was about 6 weeks when I found out and told him the same day. Lets just say it was all tits up from there. I'm now banned from his house (at his mothers request) because I choose to keep our daughter. And I was also told I trapped him as well and being told this was my own mess and not his. They seem to think me choosing to keep her makes him a victim , because even though its 2018, apparently that outdated view is still alive and well. The women is always to blame isn't she.
He told me he wouldn't support me or our daughter ( a decision his mother told me she would happily support by the way ) and that he wouldn't love her when shes born.
He did some what of a 360 and hovers in and out whenever he pleases, saying he will be there but acting in a way that proves otherwise.
Instead of coming to appointments with me he sits and gets high, or is out drinking with friends. So the next time your with him at the pub, think about who he has left 50 miles away wondering if her daughters is going to have a dad. He pays for nothing, and is happy to let my 70 year old pensioner nan pay for things instead. Oh my god the absoulte shite I've put up with for all these weeks have been beyond the beyond.
I've been told that I trapped him, that I got pregnant on purpose, that I lied about being pregnant, that hes not the dad and he wants a paternity test, that I got pregnant because I'm obsessed with him and want to keep him in my life, that he broke up with me and not vise fucking versa, oh and lets not forget when he admitted that he tried to manipulate me into getting an abortion, saying and I quote "I thought that if you thought I wasn't going to be there then you'd get rid of it". Outstanding.

He hasn't told any of his friends except for 2, (who seemed to think I was making the whole thing up so I dont know what he said to them) and anyone outside his mother and sister.
Still hasn't told his grandparents. I have her in 3 months and his behaviour is abominable, says he wants to be there but shows up for nothing, pays for nothing, doesn't understand what hes done wrong. Even when something went wrong at my 20 week scan he showed no interest and showed no interest when I told him she was going to be a month early by C - Section.

I know I sound like Alex from fatal attraction, a complete physco, but I just hate that he swans around doing whatever he wants with his friends, who have no idea I'm pregnant or how he's treated me, leaving me alone not knowing if hes going to be a dad to our daughter or not.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 15/06/2018 17:40

Don't air your linen in public. It never looks good, no matter who dirtied it.

RoseanneBarred · 15/06/2018 17:41

His friends have nothing to do with it. You chose someone who is going to be a shit dad. You're not the only one...

Blankscreen · 15/06/2018 17:41

I wouldn't you won't get the response you want. They won't condem him and they'll still be friend s with him you will just be portrayed as the mad ex girlfriend.

Hold your head up high. Make a claim through the CMS and keep your dignity.

werideatdawn · 15/06/2018 17:41

Yes I think it would be unreasonable and a bit strange. As hurt as you are you will come off looking unhinged if you do this.

Almostthere15 · 15/06/2018 17:45

What s the point telling his friends. They'll side with him and it won't make you feel any better.

He sounds horrid! You're well rid.

AtreidesFreeWoman · 15/06/2018 17:46

As tempting as it might be, no don't send it.

Truth is the situation has nothing to do with his friends and involving them gives credence to any assertion he might make about you being unreasonable though he's more likely to use far more unsavoury expressions.

You need to focus on yourself, not him.

Don't contact him other than to say when the baby is born.

Pursue him for maintenance.

Frankly he sounds like a waste of oxygen and you are well rid.

gamerchick · 15/06/2018 17:48

Don't do it. They don't give a fuck OP and will likely share your lengthy message with all and sundry while he tells them you're a nutter who's trying to trap him into bringing up another man's kid.

ChevalierTialys · 15/06/2018 17:49

Don't do it. Hold on to your dignity. You're clearly aware of what a piece of work he is so take that knowledge and plan a future for yourself and your daughter that doesn't involve him. If he wants to be a dad he can do that, but don't count on it. Make plans for the two of you (you&baby), no one else.

KellyBailey · 15/06/2018 17:49

Might as well just go on Jeremy Kyle if you want to make a show of yourself and humiliate him.

He sounds like a tosser but don't stoop to his level, handle your situation with some dignity instead of fuelling the rumour mill.

M00nUnit · 15/06/2018 17:51

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, he sounds horrible! I'm all for writing things down but I don't think actually sending that to his friends would make you feel any better. I don't think you sound like a "psycho" at all so if you do send it you should leave out that bit, and try to be less "ranty" and more factual. It's totally understandable that you're angry. Hope things get easier for you soon!

icelollycraving · 15/06/2018 17:53

No. However tempting, no!
You will be painted as a psycho ex. His friends are unlikely to send him home from the pub. Even if they did, he’s unlikely to have an epiphany.

Lichtie · 15/06/2018 17:53

He sounds like a twat.
What is it that you want him to pay for if you are 3 months away?

Sailinghappy · 15/06/2018 17:54

Don't send this!! If I received this, I'd think you were totally crazy!

Having said that, I really hope you're ok. You don't need his permission to persue him for maintenance - sfay strong mama!!! Your daughter will thank you for it Smile

looondonn · 15/06/2018 17:55

Post on here

Don't send to his friends
Tempting but don't :(

He will call you all sorts to them

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 15/06/2018 17:56

We're all on your side, but you still sound a bit crazy and obsessive in that message.

Please don't send it to anyone. He has shown you he is not to be relied upon. Move on. Let him know when the baby is born and get him to cough up via CMS.

You don't need to have a relationship with him to enable one with your baby if he chooses. Sadly you can't force him to give a shit about his daughter, but hopefully once she is here he will realise what he's missing out on and decide to step up as a parent. This doesn't mean he's a good partner though. Being a single mum will be easier in the long run than dealing with this piece of shit work, so do yourself a favour and switch off any lingering emotions you feel for him.

He's told you in no uncertain terms who he is, listen.

user1499536174 · 15/06/2018 17:56

A crib... a moses basket? Some clothes for her?
Or to just put money towards those things...
I wouldn't have asked if he had not said he wanted involvement.

OP posts:
Ruffian · 15/06/2018 17:56

Don't do it, it will only cause you more hurt and bitterness. Is he going to take a paternity test?

StormTreader · 15/06/2018 17:58

"So the next time your with him at the pub, think about who he has left 50 miles away wondering if her daughters is going to have a dad."

Theres no wondering about it, hes told you he wont be there as a dad. Why would you still be wondering? It sounds rather like you're trying to blackmail him into doing something he has said he wont do.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/06/2018 17:58

Don't do it.

Facebook your baby bump, tell your friends how excited you are, how you can't wait to meet your daughter.

Then CMS his arse and don't stop!

Live your life well, raise a wonderful child. Don't give him any space in your life or brain... don't let him spoil a wonderful thing!

HollowTalk · 15/06/2018 17:58

A rubbish dad will have rubbish mates, OP. There's no point talking to any of them. I'd be thankful, actually, if he didn't see the baby - I'd rather he was out of my life.

HoneyBadgerApparently · 15/06/2018 18:00

No don't send it. If he's doing drugs with his mates they're probably as bad as him, it will just make you look nuts.

I would completely ban him from all appts and contact with you now, and the birth. Start a CMS claim when she's born. At this point him being in and out of your life can only cause you more pain and disappointment. His DM is likely to change her mind when she sees pics of her DGD online who she isn't allowed contact with.

Sorry you're going through this OP Flowers

Storm4star · 15/06/2018 18:00

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. His friends really won't care and they'll all be laughing at you and telling him he's had a lucky escape. He is an asshole, his friends are also most likely assholes. And, even if one or two aren't, they won't want to be in any way involved in this and will just keep their mouths shut. He won't be humiliated, you will and you'll really regret it.

Lichtie · 15/06/2018 18:01

When did he tell you he didn't want a baby?
You sound like you will be better off without him.. As difficult as this may seem now. He is the one that will miss out.

twinkletoes741 · 15/06/2018 18:01

Don't send the message. 1) you'll look unstable and 2) they don't care.

Hold your head up high and get on with you life. They'll see sense eventually. Trust me from someone who has been there.

Mollywobbles82 · 15/06/2018 18:03

Yeh don't send that. In fact, don't send anything. Your decision to have the baby is a valid one but really nothing to do with these people. What possible outcome would you be hoping for?

I understand that you're angry but rather than writing ranty diatribes, i would focus on preparing for life as a single parent because the father doesn't sound like he's up to much. As others have said, lodge a claim for child support asap.

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