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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not rush out now and pay for ds1's sport - ex refusing due to CM

29 replies

theduchessstill · 15/06/2018 16:56

After 4 years I have finally put in a CM claim. Ex has also just dropped me in it by taking a job working away giving me no time to sort childcare (he has them 2 nights per week). He doesn't usually work much at all, so this is a bolt out of the blue. He has them tonight for the last time for 5 weeks. To date he has paid absolutely nothing, though does pay for ds1's cricket (minimal cost & doesn't contribute anything for ds2's activities.

I have just run a bath when I got a text saying that as I have decided to take his money despite earning 4 times more than him he will no longer pay for 'any activities'. I'm a bloody teacher, not a hedge fund manager. He earns fuck all because he's a 'musician' and won't 'compromise' on what he does. Apparently, as I haven't paid for cricket so far this season (I thought he had paid it - he's always there as he coaches, no one ever asked me for any money) I need to pay tonight or explain to ds1 why he can't go anymore.

I've replied to the effect of 'no', but now I'm wobbling. Ds1 is passionate about it, and why should he miss out. But I'm not sure it will actually come to that. Training is in an hour. I don't want to back down, and I don't want to have to go out again for any reason tonight. AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
SanFranBear · 15/06/2018 17:00

I think you need to do whatever means DS1 can still continue his cricket.. I understand your need to make the point but your son won't understand the money angle, all he'll see is that he no longer gets to play his sport.

Can you afford it without your ex's contribution?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 15/06/2018 17:06

Don't make your son pay for the adults disagreement.

You swapped the arrangement to chid support from the previous one so that usually means you pay for everything as you get the payments direct now.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 15/06/2018 17:09

Why hadn’t you claimed it before? But I agree if you are now getting money direct then you would need to pay it if he is refusing. I’d rather my child is doing what they enjoy despite two adults arguing rather than making him suffer to prove a point.

SoddingUnicorns · 15/06/2018 17:11

He’s pulled a really really low stunt, but I wouldn’t let my child suffer for his vileness. You say he coaches? Make a huge fuss of telling them what he said, verbatim, and how he insisted you had to pay up front or your child wouldn’t be able to play any longer.

That ought to shame him into not being such a prick again.

Original poster
theduchessstill · 15/06/2018 17:13

Yes -I can afford it, but why should I? I have less and less left over each month because of him. His going away is costing me £80 per week extra childcare alone, yet he somehow thinks I'm now getting too much (despite the fact I've had nothing yet).

It's not really an 'adults' disagreement'; it's him refusing to pay anything and thinking because I earn more he should not be financially affected by being a parent. And I haven't 'swapped' anything. I've put in a claim for the first time ever. He's had 4 years of paying nothing, and contributing next to nothing.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 15/06/2018 17:15

Well if he's always there and he coaches, if asked for the money, just look blankly at them, slightly confused, and say that ex pays for the cricket obviously and to talk to him. Arrange your face like it is the world's maddest thing that they've asked you.

sue51 · 15/06/2018 17:15

You can't hurt you DC because your ex is a selfish arse. Can you make a phone payment?

LittleOwl153 · 15/06/2018 17:17

I'd send him tonight as usual and see what happens.
I'd then contact the cricket leaders and see what their take is. Especially if he is not going to be there for 5 weeks.
If he pays cm then he can probably wriggle out of paying anything else - but if he hasn't paid anything yet then I would not let it go that easily.

Steeley113 · 15/06/2018 17:18

He sounds an absolute delight. I’d probably play it bright and breezy ‘ok I’ll send the money over. I’ll make sure cms knows to collect back pay for all the years you haven’t given me money for them then!’

sue51 · 15/06/2018 17:19

How men think it's okay to contribute nothing to their children's costs is beyond me. Your ex sounds like an entitled man child.

JacquesHammer · 15/06/2018 17:19

Yes -I can afford it, but why should I?

Because your son will miss out.

SoddingUnicorns · 15/06/2018 17:20

Yes -I can afford it, but why should I?

Do you love your kid more than you hate your ex?

(And I say that as an ex wife who has endured years of this shit, before you get annoyed with me. I get fuck all, never have).

sue51 · 15/06/2018 17:20

Steele, you can't claim arrears. Mores the pity.

SoddingUnicorns · 15/06/2018 17:21

Oh and I’m not defending the ex at all, he’s a disgusting excuse for a human being.

Original poster
theduchessstill · 15/06/2018 17:21

I'm not taking ds tonight - ex has the dc for the last time for 5 weeks as he will then be fucking off, still having paid nothing.

I was set to have a glass of wine in the bath. Now because of him I can't - have to sit and wait for half an hour getting more and more fucked off, before caving and paying for yet another fucking thing.

OP posts:
Steeley113 · 15/06/2018 17:24

@sue51 really? I thought they did? That’s really frustrating.

PrincessMargaret · 15/06/2018 17:25

I wouldn't pay and I would say why. It's not you that has let down your child.

chocolatestrawberries · 15/06/2018 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
theduchessstill · 15/06/2018 17:28

In all honesty I can't see that he would be kicked out of the team for good if I don't run round there tonight, surely. Worst case would be he can't train tonight because ex is too embarrassed to take him, and then I'll settle up next week. He's due to play in a match on Monday, so I could pay then. Just feels he's ruined my evening.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/06/2018 17:29

How old is DS?

I would tell DS you can't afford it because you know need to pay for childcare... I'm not one for covering up for exes, don't badmouth but don't lie either!

RandomMess · 15/06/2018 17:30

He's just won then, that was the point - to upset you! Pay next week - I would tell the club your situation and ask to pay in instalments.

RatherBeRiding · 15/06/2018 17:30

If the child has been playing all season, and your ex is always there, and the club haven't approached you about missing payments - I'd do nothing until the club not my ex informs me that payments are missing.

But if there really are arrears on the cricket and your son is passionate about it, I'd pay rather than him miss out because his dad is a knob.

melonscoffer · 15/06/2018 17:32

I would pay for the cricket because your son wants to go.
When I pay I would email the other people who are authority over the cricket and say very innocently that you did not realise it was solely down to you to pay because your ex is the coach you assumed he was paying. I am sure you can put in some discreet hints that you are the only person to come to for money because you ex would leave your son out of the team if asked for payment.

HoneyBadgerApparently · 15/06/2018 17:38

I would make a stand and not pay it this week. One week wont hurt your DS. And next week explain why he missed it to the club loudly as you are paying. Men like him like to pretend they're great dads so hopefully he'll be mortified. Sorry you are going through this. I hope you get somewhere with CMS.

IHeartKingThistle · 15/06/2018 17:39

I'd do exactly what @LittleOwl153 said. Shame him.

My friend did this when her twat of an XH said he would no longer pay the school fees for their DC. He taught AT THAT SCHOOL. My friend went to the head and explained everything - the head told her not to remove the DC and sorted out a payment plan for her. The twat never paid but I bet his name is mud at that school.