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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can we compromise?

32 replies

drdoom · 15/06/2018 16:24

Me and my fiancée are making a start on our wedding plans and are already upon a stumbling block.
We are keeping it small numbers wise but we can't agree on the location and were wandering if some wise mumsnetters could be the judges Grin

I am from a different country where most of my family live. My fiancée is from the UK.

His idea:
Local church (up the road) and an informal but very nice meal down at our local pub (around the corner).
And of course my family would be flying over for the weekend.

Pros - local, cheap, good food, leaves more money for a honeymoon
Cons - I didn't want to get married "down the road" in a pub I frequent every other week as it just seems quite deflating, accommodation and flights costs vs salaries etc makes it expensive for anyone from my home country to travel and stay.

My idea:
Small wedding in my home country in a lovely hotel who do the whole "package" for a very reasonable price. They do special rates (over 50% off) for any wedding guests staying at their hotel as well.

Pros - lovely venue, good food, my elderly DGGM can be there (she can't travel due to health reasons so would not be able to be there for a uk wedding), the city where the hotel and venue is is a very popular and top rated tourist city where most shops/restaurants etc speak English so anyone coming for the wedding has lots of options of sightseeing, shopping or just having a general look around, everyone I've ever met from the uk who has visited it always comments on how cheap it is (think £1-£2 for a pint) so it would definitely be more affordable for UK guests to travel and stay.
Cons - fiancée is worried people from UK won't want to travel, it will be more expensive but definitely not budget breaking, slightly harder to plan

Fiancée suggested we visit my home country for a week straight after the UK wedding and then jet off for our honeymoon but I feel it's just a way for me to go with his idea.

I'd love to do it in my home country as I know I will never move back there so it would be nice to at least get married there. My fiancée seems put off by the idea and I feel like he would get quite disengaged from the whole planning and organising and would just "go with it" whereas if it was local he would get super involved and be full of ideas.

Any insight?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/06/2018 16:31

Tell him you will compromise, yes to the week in your home country, maybe a blessing there?

But a big fat NO to getting married in the pub you go to every week. Your wedding is supposed to be a special celebration, not a continuation of his social life, you can go to the pub anytime, you only get married once (hopefully) or never if that's all he thinks the occasion is worth!

You say you don't wan to insist as he may become disengage, well from what you say there has been minimal engagement so far!"

DorotheaHomeAlone · 15/06/2018 16:34

Wedding should be in your country. He’ll have all the advantages of local family etc for your whole life. Every couple I know in your situation has done it that way.

Nnamechangedforthis · 15/06/2018 16:35

Both

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/06/2018 16:38

I'm sort of with him, a little - it will put people off travelling if it's abroad; however cheap the place is, and it seems a bit odd to make everyone travel to your home country when you don't intend to live there again - but then again; plenty of people get married in places they've never been before or won't go to again.

You need a compromise. U.K. but no pub? Your country but with a U.K. event too? Can you afford to have a "wedding" at both; and choose one to be the official one?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 15/06/2018 16:40

Anchor But someone’s family and friends will have to travel. Why should it be hers who will always have to travel to see them?

Racecardriver · 15/06/2018 16:41

Destination weddings just seem a bit rude to me. To big an ask. Why not have a nice local wedding (bonus points for this option because it's good for immigration purposes if this concsrbs you) and then a religious ceremony in your home country?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/06/2018 16:49

It's not a bloody destination wedding, OP is from another country. Someone's family will have to travel... unless they come to another arrangement!

77leaves · 15/06/2018 16:53

People will have to travel no matter where you have the wedding but your DGGM can't travel. And everything for the rest of your life is going to be local for him. I think he's being a little selfish.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 15/06/2018 16:54

It's traditional to get married in the bride's home town

Sirzy · 15/06/2018 16:55

How many people would be travelling to each country?

UrsulaPandress · 15/06/2018 16:57

Wedding in your country, blessing in the UK. Party in both.

SoupDragon · 15/06/2018 17:00

It's traditional to get married in the bride's home town

It’s also traditional for the bride to be given away by her father and to change her surname to that of her new husband. No one seems concerned about ditching those traditions.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/06/2018 17:01

my elderly DGGM can be there (she can't travel due to health reasons so would not be able to be there for a uk wedding)
I think this is what would make up my mind. Do the wedding there with the people that are happy to travel and have a party in the pub up the road in the UK afterwards for those who can’t or won’t bother.

lifeinthelastlane · 15/06/2018 17:02

It’s tradition to get married in the bride’s hometown. His idea sounds very boring. Maybe you could fit in the wedding before the footie starts?

MiggledyHiggins · 15/06/2018 17:02

Marry in one country, live in the other. I think you should win this one given that you are settling in his home country.

Down the line you might have children - his family will get to see them all the time, yours hardly ever or perhaps once or twice a year. The least he can do is let you have your wedding in your home country.

Butterymuffin · 15/06/2018 17:06

Do something in both countries. So either wedding here then off for blessing, party and honeymoon in your country, or wedding in your country but then blessing and party (possibly in the pub down the road) here.

emmyrose2000 · 16/06/2018 07:02

How many people from each side would have to travel? If it's 10 people from one side/country vs 80 from the other, then it should be held in the country of the larger amount.

If you do end up having it in the UK, then definitely 'no' to the local pub.

gracielacey · 16/06/2018 08:56

Definitely the hotel in your country, or else your DGGM can't attend.

I would postpone a honeymoon, and instead use the money to have a party in the U.K. too, for those who won't travel. That can be at the pub.

Original poster
drdoom · 16/06/2018 09:02

@emmyrose2000 it would be the same amount of people either side.
But it would be more expensive for people from my country to travel as the wages are different.
Let's say a standard wage in the uk is 1k a month in my country it would be £400-£500.
The rooms and flights are the same prices so it would be a bigger expense for my side of the family to travel, not to mention the fact that in my home country most hotels shops and restaurants etc speak English vs here no one really caters for other languages.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 16/06/2018 09:04

People saying is unreasonable to expect DHs family to travel abroad, why isn't it unreasonable to expect that from OPs family? OP is it a destination with cheap easy jet (or similar) flights? I'd do it in your country and if he wants a celebration in the pub do it when you get back for those who couldn't travel. You will be living your lives near his family, yours deserve some consideration.

worridmum · 16/06/2018 09:12

Lots of people wont travel abroad for weddings so it will most likely only be a hand full of his family and friends attending. So basically you will rough shod over him having a nice wedding and if you do it in your home country that he does not want to do why should he be engaged with it. If i were him i would leave all the stressful jobs to you because it has become your wedding.

Compromise uk wedding not down the pub.

tinytoucan · 16/06/2018 09:15

It’s a tricky one, as obviously you want both of you to be happy with your decision. It seems as though it’s fairer to do it in your home country from what you have said.

I had the less extreme version of what you describe; DH and I are both from the UK but opposite sides of the country. We live where his family are so decided to get married where mine are. He was on board with this but sadly we still had quite a few members of his family not attend due to the distance.

I hope you can agree on something, and have a lovely wedding!

Singlebutmarried · 16/06/2018 09:19

Have two weddings.

One here

One there

You both get what you want.

thecatsthecats · 16/06/2018 09:20

I am not so sure that lots of people "won't" travel abroad. I went to a wedding in France last year - as a party of 9 friends, separate from the family of 30 odd. Then there were the groom's side all coming from Ireland. A large contingent of Americans and Canadians too, and it wasn't exactly close to where the French contingent lived either.

thecatsthecats · 16/06/2018 09:25

Sorry, to address the actual dilemma...

I think you need to talk to him about bringing the UK version closer to what you want for your wedding, because at the moment you're comparing something you wouldn't want even if it were the only option with your actual preferred choice. You're never going to think it's better!

For what it's worth, I would probably have two dos in this instance. A UK commitment ceremony and party, and then the legal ceremony in your own country, spend a few days there and carry on as he suggests?

I know you'd lose the 'getting family together' aspects, but maybe you could ensure some key people are at both?

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