Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to be the one to decide

32 replies

CaliSimple · 15/06/2018 03:12

Not sure if I can care for my DSD-7yo all day for the entire summer.
Feel terribly guilty to not facilitate DH spending evenings and weekends with his DD...
The issues; no DCs of my own so feeling very intimidated, DH works full time plus commute so a lot of time to fill-need practical advice, what do we do all day for 6 weeks!?
&furious at DH how this situation came about>
Recently married DH and relocated. Briefly discussed with DSDs mother having her longer than EOW, totally great by me, only assumed he would be taking time of work to facilitate.
HE assumed as I work from home I would just have his DD all day, without even asking me. Plus he agreed to this with Ex without telling me, and didn’t let her contact or meet me so she could check herself if this was all ok. Next bombshell was that he was having her arrive in a few hours !

Had DSD for a week so far, she is v happy but Im still feeling overwhelmed. So invited DSD’s mother over with us (and DH). So grateful for how reasonable and understanding she is. many positives to her trusting me with her DD, however having her or not is now up to me, is it childish of me to not wanting to decide where she spends her summer?

OP posts:
Wuss2018 · 15/06/2018 03:20

Well I assume you are not having 6 weeks off work to look after her? Has DH just assumed that because you work from home you can look after her? This is totally unreasonable as you will do one or the other you won't be able to do both.

Monty27 · 15/06/2018 03:35

Wta? No working person can look after a child full time for six weeks. This is a very bizarre arrangement.
Mine went to a kids club for the summer weeks while I was working and their df had them every other weekend as normal. Although we both took them on holidays during that time (separately) so they were only in the kids club when necessary.
I don't understand any of their expectations from you. Most strange.

Copperbonnet · 15/06/2018 03:41

If you are working full time she isn’t going to have a very acceptable summer, stuck inside.

I would look out for local summer activity schemes eg sports, dance, drama, music. It would be more fun for her.

Strong words to your DH about not consulting you.

user546425732 · 15/06/2018 03:45

Your DP and her mother should decide and then consult you if they want you to do any childcare.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2018 03:46

No vote but most of the responsibility.

Your DP seems to think you're the staff. And he's clearly management.

VioletPickles · 15/06/2018 03:46

He should never have assumed. What about clubs or summer schopks during the day, then he can still see her at night?

VioletPickles · 15/06/2018 03:47

*schools obv

happyasasandboy · 15/06/2018 03:48

I agree, with the others; if you're working how can you look after her?

I have my own 7 year olds, work primarily from home and would love to spend more time with them, but having them here when I'm working would just mean TV/iPad time for them (NOT a good plan for the summer!). It is impossible to work and look after a child and do both jobs properly.

If you've been doing this a week already, how has it worked out? Is your DSD getting enough company and stimulation (not just entertaining herself/watching TV) and are you completing enough work?

isthissummer · 15/06/2018 04:10

I am all in favour of families pitching in together and step-parents during their bit. The but is that no one talked this through with you and if they had you could have pointed out you were working so not able to be on childcare duty.
As others have said she needs some thing to do like clubs during the day. Explain to your DH that you cannot do work and childcare at the same time, anymore than he can and he needs to sort something else out.

Monty27 · 15/06/2018 04:18

OP I just need to tell you that me and DC's df were divorced when they were young but I we somehow managed to work things out during school holidays, it did get tricky at times but they were never dumped on anyone which is what seems to be happening with you. I never heard the likes. Shock

Original poster
CaliSimple · 15/06/2018 05:13

Phew this is exactly what I was thinking. So DH is doubley in the doghouse . From ex POV(fairly so) she has asked him if this is ok for months and subsequently turned down summer camps/school and help from her parents, so puts her in a really last min tricky situation to find childcare last min, if I say no. I have said no question DH must pay for that allof it as his over excitement has got us here?
Week has been great for DSD not been bored yet, told her mum she’s had an awesome time, but I’m exhausted, feeling like I need a break, and only done 10mins of work !

OP posts:
Monty27 · 15/06/2018 06:25

How far apart do you all live?
I do think you are being used. At the very least as a babysitter.
I would run for the hills to be honest. You must love him very much but this would raise a lot of questions for me.
Summer camps and schemes are really expensive so they are quids in and you can't get any work done?
Hmm Confused

Curtainshopping · 15/06/2018 06:30

When is she seeing her mum over the six weeks? Is it you having her in the week and her mum at weekends?

flumpybear · 15/06/2018 06:32

That's utterly insane! You can't possibly work and entertain a 7 year old! What were they thinking ffs!
Tell them no, you can't risk under performing with your work or their poor kid being bored to tears through the whole holiday - she should be out having fun!

mrsmuddlepies · 15/06/2018 06:35

Try to organise summer camps and sporting activities for most days. Presumably she will see her mother most weekends? If your DSD is out at activities most days and your husband commits to some time off work, you should recover peace and quiet during the day so that you can get on with your work.

PragmaticWench · 15/06/2018 06:35

Are they planning for you to cover all school holidays from here on?!

Your DH is being very rude towards you.

StepCatsmother · 15/06/2018 06:38

Check your employer's working from home policy.

Ours expressly stated you can't be looking after children while working from home. It's a disciplinary issue if you're found out.

Might be a way of saying no that diverts it from you a bit?

Maelstrop · 15/06/2018 06:39

No and no again. I’m appalled that he’s treating you as free childcare! Is she meant to be there for six weeks? I’d no way allow this. How are you meant to work? You’ll have this for the next 11 years!

Candlelight123 · 15/06/2018 06:47

No it's not a workable arrangement and HE needs to be the one to give his ex the bad news. You are either working or looking after children, there's no middle ground here - exception would be older teens. The girl will be bored to tears sitting in for 6 weeks.
You simply can't get on with work with a 7 yo in the house, and for 6 weeks what was he thinking?!?

Summersnake · 15/06/2018 06:47

Clearly op if you don't stand up for yourself ,no one else will.your dh hasn't got your back or he would never of accepted this.you should of been part of the decisions...I think it's clear where you come in the family...I'd be really thinking my position after this ...because he's shown you how it's going to be...ex wife says jump ,he says how high .

Summersnake · 15/06/2018 06:51

What I don't get is why you didn't say no ,the first time you heard of it..why have you done a week giving her a fabulous time at the expense of your work...should of said ..no I'm working I can't look after her..rinse and repeat...then leave him to sort it out

Monty27 · 15/06/2018 06:58

There's not much information on either about why exactly nobody else can look after dad except you. Are you employed or self employed and how is their working lives more important than yours?
It just doesn't make sense. Age gap? Do they consider you as an au pair. I just really cannot get my head around it and therefore don't understand how you could even for a nano second.
I am perplexed.

Monty27 · 15/06/2018 06:59

DD not dad. Ironically. Confused

Sparkletastic · 15/06/2018 07:09

What was he thinking?? The fact that he didn't ask you snacks of a stitch up. Unless your job can survive 6 weeks off, and you actually want to take 6 weeks off, then there is nothing to discuss you simply can't be the childcare solution for DSD. Her father and mother need to take time off for different weeks of the holiday and get family or last minute paid childcare for the remainder. You've done a week and that's enough. Is DH a thoughtless dick who values your time and career less than his in other respects?

Quartz2208 · 15/06/2018 07:20

You work so you can’t its as simple as that

He is totally disrespecting you and your job

I have two kids of my own and work from home 2 out of 3 days and guess what I have childcare in the summer holidays sorted so I can work from home