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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What can we do?!

41 replies

Lidlid · 14/06/2018 23:28

Posting here for traffic.

Dd has a great job, she managed to get a job that really she needed to have at least gone to college for just by volunteering for years and working hard.

Towards the end of last year she suffered badly with depression and self harm so her doctor gave her some anti depressants and signed her off work for the rest of the month instead of dealing with the issue, when it was time to go back she was barely there a week before her manager said she should take some more time off as she still wasn’t right so ended up not going back in til the new year, mean she had almost 2 months off. During this time she didn’t do anything, other than meeting up with friends and a few outing for Christmas related things she barely left the house, she would sleep in until midday and then just lounge around all day.

Then after being back a month she claimed she was struggling with work and the stress was making her want to quit, I told her if she feels she can’t work there anymore then she will need to find a new job before leaving as we won’t be covering her costs. She told her manager how she was feeling and asked if maybe she could be swapped to another part on the same place. Without giving away too much she was working at an animal charity which does a few things, she was in rehoming so saw some sad situations that as an animal lover she struggled to cope with, she wanted to swap to the “nicer” part of the job 🙄 Her manager tried to sort some things but as she was in a high position there it wasn’t as easy as swapping her with someone in a diff department and suggested that she take some time working part time so she can work through stress, get her head sorted and if needed start looking for a new job.

Me and her step dad saw this as a cope out, she saw a way she could get out of working and took it, she isn’t going to look for a new job as she hasn’t got the qualifications needed for the jobs she’s looking at as she got lucky with her current job and she isn’t interested in looking for a different type of job. She’s now been part time for over 4 months, on the days she’s working she gets up fine and has a good day, on the days she doesn’t work she can sleep in sometime till 1pm and then does fuck all all day long! we’ve suggested she finds a part time job somewhere else so it can allow her to go to college to get the qualifications she needs but obviously she’s living the life right now so won’t.

We just don’t know what to do with her now, she won’t do any job apart from what she’s wants and she is too “depressed” and “stressed” to go back full time where she is yet won’t go back to college to get the necessary qualifications!!!!!!

OP posts:

category12 · 14/06/2018 23:30

You could try understanding depression.

blablabla81 · 14/06/2018 23:31

How old is she?

Ohyesiam · 14/06/2018 23:32

Look up depression on nhs website, and Mind website

Whattheheq · 14/06/2018 23:33

Your daughter is clearly having a tough time, how about you help her out and be more understanding. What are you expecting her to do in the time she isn’t working? She was giving those 2 months off to relax and fix her mental health and get better and then allowed to go part time to deal with stress so lay off a bit. It’s only been 4 months, give her some time.

Original poster

Lidlid · 14/06/2018 23:34

I do understand depression so thanks for the helpful replies

She’s 20.

OP posts:

Amatullah · 14/06/2018 23:36

YABVU!.. your daughter is suffering with an illness right now. It may seem like shes dossing and doing a
Shit all or its not up to your standards but the little shes doing and trying to get back on her feet should be applauded and welcomed. Its not even been a year..!!?..you even said shes worked really hard to get to where she was so isnt her recent behaviour out of sorts!

Stars1979 · 14/06/2018 23:41

If someone is depressed not doing much is a classic symptom as well as sleeping too much. Sounds like she manages work although I’m sure she finds that exhausting if suffering from depression and then doesn’t manage at all well when not working. Sounds like she needs much more help so she can regain her confidence and battle depression. You should try to help her with seeking this. Please don’t let out your frustrations to her as it will only make her feel worse as she will then feel guilty. She is having a tough time I wish her well.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 14/06/2018 23:41

Is she still on medication? Is she actually taking it?

Can you access some talking therapy?

It’s not going to be easy.

Fruitcorner123 · 14/06/2018 23:41

and she is too “depressed” and “stressed”

you mean the clinical depression that she has been diagnosed with by a GP? You don't need to use the speech marks when the person actually is depressed. You sound extremely unfeeling and I would suggest you and her "step dad" need to show some compassion. She has found a compromise she is happy with.

It's not clear whether she is paying rent and whether this has been affected. If you are struggling financially then that's maybe where you should start, by looking for practical solutions that don't involved denying her medical diagnosis. For example.is she claiming all the benefits she is entitled to?

Stars1979 · 14/06/2018 23:43

To add, you sound like you don’t believe her depression. I really don’t think she is living the life as you put it.

Bambamber · 14/06/2018 23:44

You sound utterly delightful

Queenoftheblitz · 14/06/2018 23:44

This is very sad. It seems the awful stories she witnessed has tipped her over the edge. I doubt this work is right for her - not everyone can cope.
I bet there are pictures in her head she can't get rid of.
Twenty is awfully young to be doing that job.
You seem more concerned with getting your rent off her and her "copping out" than her mental health.
Poor girl.

bionicnemonic · 14/06/2018 23:46

It does sound as though she feels brighter when she’s occupied? I can totally understand she might be too upset to see some of the things she has but maybe she needs to change angle and perhaps volunteer on her free days for animal charities that perhaps educate in schools to help prevent people causing harm? Or perhaps a complete change of career...horticulture or something that is low pressure, odd job gardening, mowing lawns etc. I know two people with low level depression and both respond better on days that have been filled with purpose. We all need a reason. One became reclusive and developed agoraphobia - he got out of practice socialising and it became difficult for him

Floofsnootborkandboop · 14/06/2018 23:49

As her mother I assume your nastiness isn’t all it seems to be and cover for your worry so I won’t tell you what I really think of your post.

I just wanted to say without outing myself I run an animal rescue and at times I myself find it a very stressful and upsetting jobs. People think it’s all lovely cuddles with fluffy animals but it’s not, yes that’s an amazing perk but until you work there you don’t know the stress of seeing some of the situations an animal can come from or the abuse and neglect they’ve been through. I’m getting a bit teary so I will stop there but I just wanted to one to say I can totally understand why your dd will find it too much especially as she’s going through a hard enough time as it is.

If her manager can help and support her and make changes to accommodate her then you can too. You say she’s already worked really hard so let her have a break to fix herself.

blablabla81 · 14/06/2018 23:51

When I was 20 my hormones were still all over the place, I was up and down so much and like your DD I was diagnosed with depression. The job I was in involved looking at death certificates all day and looking back this had a really bad effect on my anxiety and overall mood. I could probably cope far better with it now in my 30's than back then. So I'd say the job she's in is maybe just not right for her at the moment.

Please don't see her as copping out of anything. She really doesn't need the extra pressure of feeling like she's not understood by her own parents while she's trying to work through her feelings.

Original poster

Lidlid · 14/06/2018 23:54

Is she still on medication? Is she actually taking it?
As far as I know yes
Can you access some talking therapy?
We tried when she was younger and she wouldn’t go, I asked her if she wanted to go this time but she didn’t.
perhaps a complete change of career.
She isn’t interested in a change, she wants to stay working with animals and won’t listen to anyone suggesting anything else.

She isn’t paying rent so that’s not my issue dw

OP posts:

Whattheheq · 14/06/2018 23:57

What is the problem then OP? She’s still working and earning money whilst having a little bit of time for herself to work on her mental health, what is it you have a problem with?

19lottie82 · 14/06/2018 23:59

Wow. I’m glad you’re not my mum. Give yourself a fucking shake and support your daughter, seriously.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 15/06/2018 00:03

But isn’t that what OP wants, Lottie?

She wants to support and understand her daughter but is worried and doesn’t know what to do?

Why don’t you give her some advice on how to support her daughter instead of telling her to do it.

Gemini69 · 15/06/2018 00:07

She's an Adult and even a Depressed Adult needs an income...

has she been officially signed off as 'Sick' or is everyone self diagnosing? .... is she claiming Disability Benefits to compensate her loss of earning OP... to balance the books at home ?

ShovingLeopard · 15/06/2018 00:08

I don't think you really do understand depression, OP. What is it that is annoying you the most? That she is doing 'fuck all' when she's not working? Do you realise that she probably needs that downtime to recharge enough to be able to keep going with her part-time hours?

It sounds like she needs extra support. I know she has said she doesn't want to see a therapist, but refusing help is classic depression. Maybe you could try again with this, perhaps couch it in terms of she could give it a try, she won't lose anything by going (other than the fee, if you go private), and if she still thinks it's not going to help after 5 or 6 sessions she stops?

KarmaStar · 15/06/2018 00:09

Perhaps she could look at working with guide dogs?there won't be the dreadful heartache every day for her then.
Could she get free telephone counselling if you can't get the face to face type?
It sounds like she needs love,support,empathy and time,I very much hope she receives all of these things.

esk1mo · 15/06/2018 00:14

you sound utterly horrible OP. it isnt easy having depression, she isnt “living the life” do you think she was self harming for fun?

depression can lead people to suicide, how would you feel about your daughter having those kind of thoughts? or actually going through with it?

Italiangreyhound · 15/06/2018 00:35

@Lidlid I'm sorry you appear to have had some very unpleasant and nasty replies.

I am sure it is very, very stressful and difficult for you having a child with mental health issues, wanting them to be well and feeling that the things they appear to be choosing are not actually helping them.

I think I would approach a charity like Mind and see how much info and support there is there. Would any charity supply your daughter with talking therapies or with a 'buddy' scheme/mentor etc so she felt supported?

My daughter has mental health issues and is much younger than your daughter. It is very hard to see someone you love and care for suffering.

I can understand that having got to a high up position in a charity you must feel sad for her that she has lost that full time work.

I think I would agree with others than she needs to find something else working with animals that will not have the detrimental affect on her health.

The plus points are, she is still young, (if I understand this rightly she is living with you rent free, which is a real help), she has proven herself able to rise through the ranks and to volunteer and she must have some natural skills or talents with animals.

There must be other jobs she can do with animals which would not involve dealing with the suffering side. In some way I'd also want to say that branching out and doing new stuff could help her a lot.

Italiangreyhound · 15/06/2018 00:43

This is also going to sound a bit daft but bear with me. I probably had quite a sheltered life and late in life I heard a lot about human rights abuses, I was in my thirties. Maybe it was just the time of life I was in but I found it very hard to cope with! None of it was happening to me but I was just so sad for all those people who are treated so appallingly.

I wrote protest letters, and letters of support and eventually I began to feel less upset by what happens around the world. It doesn't mean I don't care anymore but it means I can now hear about stuff without taking it all on board. If your daughter has been very affected by having contact with suffering animals then she may need to work through that. She cannot just become well.

If your GP is not supportive in putting her forward to talking therapies, can you find an alternative GP for her? A close relative has massive debt issues and was worried to go to the GP when she developed depression. She thought she would just be 'put on pills'. I know pills can work for a while and it really depends what the cause of the problem is. For my relative it was her financial situation.

For me, it was anxiety, two decades ago, it just came almost out of the blue. I was lucky to get CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) on the NHS for free, and it worked. It doesn't work for everyone.

So anyway, good luck. And please do keep fighting for her for the future and as others have pointed out, don't assume the sleeping is just her lazing around, depression may make some people find it hard to sleep but for others it can make sleep very necessary, maybe an escape. I don't know, but I do wish your daughter well.

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