What can we do?!

[Lidlid]

Posting here for traffic.

Dd has a great job, she managed to get a job that really she needed to have at least gone to college for just by volunteering for years and working hard.

Towards the end of last year she suffered badly with depression and self harm so her doctor gave her some anti depressants and signed her off work for the rest of the month instead of dealing with the issue, when it was time to go back she was barely there a week before her manager said she should take some more time off as she still wasn’t right so ended up not going back in til the new year, mean she had almost 2 months off. During this time she didn’t do anything, other than meeting up with friends and a few outing for Christmas related things she barely left the house, she would sleep in until midday and then just lounge around all day.

Then after being back a month she claimed she was struggling with work and the stress was making her want to quit, I told her if she feels she can’t work there anymore then she will need to find a new job before leaving as we won’t be covering her costs. She told her manager how she was feeling and asked if maybe she could be swapped to another part on the same place. Without giving away too much she was working at an animal charity which does a few things, she was in rehoming so saw some sad situations that as an animal lover she struggled to cope with, she wanted to swap to the “nicer” part of the job 🙄 Her manager tried to sort some things but as she was in a high position there it wasn’t as easy as swapping her with someone in a diff department and suggested that she take some time working part time so she can work through stress, get her head sorted and if needed start looking for a new job.

Me and her step dad saw this as a cope out, she saw a way she could get out of working and took it, she isn’t going to look for a new job as she hasn’t got the qualifications needed for the jobs she’s looking at as she got lucky with her current job and she isn’t interested in looking for a different type of job. She’s now been part time for over 4 months, on the days she’s working she gets up fine and has a good day, on the days she doesn’t work she can sleep in sometime till 1pm and then does fuck all all day long! we’ve suggested she finds a part time job somewhere else so it can allow her to go to college to get the qualifications she needs but obviously she’s living the life right now so won’t.

We just don’t know what to do with her now, she won’t do any job apart from what she’s wants and she is too “depressed” and “stressed” to go back full time where she is yet won’t go back to college to get the necessary qualifications!!!!!!

I think you're heartless as fuck. Sorry, not helpful, but...your post could have described me when I was on the verge of suicide.

I think the OP should be given a break. Living with someone who is depressed or has other mental health issues is extremely hard. You want to be supportive but it's frustrating. We can't all be saints and she shouldn't be treated as the villain here.

Yes, she was originally signed of sick for about 3 weeks when she first started her medication as she was already in a bad way which would get even worse with the medication. She isn’t signed off now though, her manager gave her a month off before Christmas as she wasn’t coping well and then reduced her hours to help her get better as that’s a better alternative to loosing her completely.

It isn’t that our GP isn’t helping, he is lovely and asked to see dd every month at first and now at least no monthly to check how she isn’t rather than just prescribing tablets on repeat all the time but there is only so much he can do if DD won’t agree to talk to anyone.

I don’t understand the nasty replies, I’ve posted asking what I can do next to help my daughter. Maybe I don’t understand how she’s feeling but it’s hard never having Felt that way myself and right now it appears as though she’s not even trying to help herself

And I’m regards to benefits, we tried but they wanted her to take jobs they gave her to add up her hours which isn’t any help and she’s not looking for another job and certainly not a random retail one

@Lidlid I'm guessing people are angry because they feel they would behave very differently if they were in your shoes. Maybe they have had mental health issues and think they know what is best. But in reality none of us know exactly how we will or would act in the situation you are in.

'it appears as though she’s not even trying to help herself' I think one of the problems may be that you think she has more autonomy in the situation than she really does. You think she can somehow pull it together, but maybe she cannot. Something or someone (a counselor) is going to need to go into the situation and find a way for her to get out.

I think empathy rather than sympathy can really help. I know I mention this clip a lot but it is worth watching....

Good luck OP

Empathy. Learn about depression, and stop speaking about her in such a cruel way - you can be sure your contempt is palpable, which cannot be helping.

I hope to God this is a reverse because your attitude and complete lack of support for your SICK DAUGHTER is disgusting!

Not to mention your clear prejudice regarding mh in general - wtf!

"We tried when she was younger and she wouldn’t go" how much younger and was there a reason for the depression? (Think I can make a wild guess 🤔)

So if it's not rent what IS your problem? Why can't you show her some genuine compassion, sympathy let alone empathy and actual support (practical and emotional)

You don't understand the replies?!

"just lounge around all day." Dismissive of symptoms of depression, what she was actually doing to a degree was recuperating.

"I told her if she feels she can’t work there anymore then she will need to find a new job before leaving as we won’t be covering her costs" instead of supporting her you added to her stress.

"she wanted to swap to the “nicer” part of the job 🙄" the eyeroll and phrasing - condescending and dismissive again

"Me and her step dad saw this as a cope out" it wasn't a 'cop out' she was seeking a workable solution to her problem. Bloody admirable in fact.

"she saw a way she could get out of working and took it" just...nasty and unnecessary

"on the days she doesn’t work she can sleep in sometime till 1pm and then does fuck all all day long!" Again, symptomatic + recuperating/a way of ensuring she can still work/function

"obviously she’s living the life right now so won’t." What life would that be? Cos it ain't Riley's! It's a combination of fear, lethargy, guilt, anxiety, questioning, missing out on opportunities and beating herself up about it (while YOU and her "step dad" beat her up even more!), exhaustion (mental and physical), experiencing physical symptoms that are probably scaring the shit out of her, feeling unloved, useless...

"and she is too “depressed” and “stressed” to go back full time" you use " to indicate sarcasm which strongly suggests you don't believe she is actually ill - and that's even though she has a mental illness with physical signs! I repeat - she is ILL. If she'd had glandular fever (has she been checked for this, been in contact with porcine animals? Plus classic age for GF, or other physical ailments that can also affect mental health and energy levels?), or a heart attack or a broken leg - would you be expecting her to be working full time in a stressful job with no support from her FAMILY then? I very much doubt it!

THAT is why you got the replies you got.

Depression stops you wanting to help yourself. It tells you 'what's the fucking point? why are we even here? all life is is an endless slog until you hit 70 and then you have 10 or so years before you die to enjoy yourself, but by then there's nothing to enjoy.' It tells you that everybody's just going to say that's just life, everybody else has to do it - you're not special in your misery. You're being a spoilt brat. You're not even trying to help yourself.

Take the pills, do what the doctors say. They'll fix you. It doesn't fix you, alright? pills aren't magic! She needs therapy. She needs to be able to talk to somebody who isn't going to dismiss her problems as trying to get out of working or trying to avoid going back to college. You really need to gain some empathy for your daughter's situation instead of just dismissing her off hand as trying to squeeze money from you or laze around all day.

Do you really think it's like, fun? Doing nothing all day? Being so bored out of your mind but also so miserable that nothing is enjoyable anymore? I don't know how deep your daughter's in depression, but yeah. It makes you wallow, it makes you feel sorry for yourself and it sucks the joy out of literally everything. Some people can power through and work but that doesn't mean everybody can handle that without snapping.

Clearly you have no clue about depression op. That will be why are being berated.
If you don't understand it how do you expect your dd to understand it whilst your behaviour is it is towards her? She is a very young woman trying to swim upstream without a lifebelt.
I cannot believe your reticence
Seriously? Do you really care and or love her?

I understand people's harsh replies and do think you come across very badly in your first post - especially things like writing "depressed" and "stressed" the way you did as it looks like you don't believe she is ill and you seem to have very little sympathy for how she is feeling.

However, as you said you've never suffered, I do sympathise a little bit as I know how ridiculous some behaviour can seem to others. I have anxiety and depression and often get more anxious, stressed and depressed realising how irrational my behaviour is but not being able to do anything about it.

I have never missed a day of work because of any of it, but I went through a very long period of never being able to leave the house by myself, and only occasionally with somebody else, on my days off. Work is something I know has to be done, so I would just do it. The rest of my life was sitting at home, neglecting my housework, pets, friends and family, not properly looking after myself, and having panic attacks when I would try to leave the house. It was difficult for people to understand or realise how bad I was because when they would see me was when I was having a good day, or I was going to work, so I would seem perfectly fine.

Therapy can be so helpful, but we often need a push to get us there. My mum has always been brilliant with me and knows that her coming up with an action plan to relieve my current biggest stressor always helps me. She was always worried about over stepping the line, but I always wish there had been someone who could see through my 'I'm ok' facade and would take action to make me do something about it. It took me almost attempting suicide to reach out to her, and I'm so grateful she was supportive enough for me to actually be able to tell her.

This is harsh, but if she had been like you, I probably wouldn't be here today, as Mum was the only one who could've brought me back from the edge at that point.

Read as much as you can about it. Let her know you're trying to understand and that you want to help her because you care and don't want to lose her. Talk to her sympathetically and ask how you can help, don't let her brush you off, and don't make her feel any more worthless than she probably already does. Try to make her go to therapy, offer to drive her, sit in with her and hold her hand or wait outside so she has privacy. She needs to feel loved and valued and like she has something to live for, and right now you're not providing that for her. It's a big responsibility, but it's something we should all be willing to do for the ones we love

I wish I had a mum like you pineapple. She sounds stunning. The hardest part of depression is first of all to admit it and secondly someone that loves you and understands it.
It really is an invisible illness. You are blessed pineapple. I hope you find recovery.

Your daughter is ill. She needs your help and support. If she had cancer and slept til 12 you wouldn't be banging on about her getting a second job would you?

Start respecting the fact that she's ill and she's trying fgs.

Yes previous poster, back to op. I cannot understand your lack of empathy. FFS you are going to make her worse. I am horrified.
I know I will get flamed for this but do you know the source of her depression? Lack of love and affection?
Burn me I don't care.
Perhaps you should have family therapy.

Thanks @Monty27. She really is an absolute star and I know I'm so lucky to have her

Pineapple that's heartwarming to hear. Everyone should have a great mum.
It's the least DC's deserve

Great post Graphista