Any one managed to go NC with a sibling and keep a good relationship with parents?

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Dsis has been using drugs for the last 20 years at least and subsequently has lurched from one disaster to another. Dparents have, without fail, been ultra supportive and picked up the pieces every time. She is like a leech sucking life and happiness from them but all she has to do is a false apology and a promise that she will turn her life around and all is forgiven. I have always supported my Dparents and tried really hard to have some sort of relationship with dsis, whilst massively struggling more and more to forgive her. After her latest disaster I am finding it impossible to even talk to her. Yet again Parent's are standing by her. Trouble is she lives with them and is on their mind all the time. I cannot bear to hurt D parents as they have to put up with so much crap but I am just at the end of the road with dsis this time. It's been going on too long. We're in our 40s now. D parents should be enjoying their 70s. How do I do this and maintain my relationship with my lovely mum and dad?

I really feel for you. I have the opposite situation-nc with parent but have maintained a close relationship with sibling. I sat down and spoke calmly about how I wasn't angry or upset bit I just couldn't do it anymore. I made it very clear that it wasn't an angry decision based off emotion that could lead them to believe that it would all be fine after I had calmed down. That I needed to walk away.

It's now been 15 years and I think that because we don't talk about them and I never make any comments about them that it has made it easier. No one has had to 'pick a side' or feel in the middle as it's not a big deal or dramatic in any way. I understand this may be harder for you given that they live together. Maybe arranging to meet them at your house/out somewhere for the foreseeable future may help until it becomes the new normal for you?

Also as hard as it is try not to ever slag her off or have an opinion on her when speaking to them. Rant about her to your friends/dp if you need to vent but never to them as they will then feel in the middle of it. If they bring her up, smile and change the subject.

That's how it has worked for us. It's obviously hard at first for everyone but it gets easier. I hope you can sort something, it's so draining having toxic family members around you. Look after yourself.

Thanks so much regina. Some really good advice. Glad it's worked out for you. It's such a horrible situation to be in but you can only take so much.

Me. I thought it would never work but it’s actualy so much easier for everyone now that nobody pushes the subject. I went went NC with my sis after years of her horrible narc behaviour and with me always dutifully shrugging off it’s impact. Problem was, my DM has aways avoided confrontation with her as she (my sis) goes NC on a whim and my mum can’t bear it. If you ever questioned her horrible behaviour she would go nuts, transform into the victim, and ghost you... we would somehow always end up as the horrible ones and have to apologise! Instead of being beholden to her constant threats of going NC, whilst being gaslighted by her about her own behaviour, I took the step myself and it’s honestly the best thing I could have done for myself and my family. I don’t believe anyone, blood related or not, should be putting up with deliberate trauma and mistreatment from another person. Being her sibling doesn’t mean you are morally obliged to be her lifetime punchbag. Do what you have to do. Even if your parents are resistant, stick to your guns. If you waver, they might try to pressure you back into contact with her. I feel for my mum because it must be dreadful to have children who don’t speak, but I’ve had to protect my own sanity, I’ve explained the reasons enough times and she’s seen it with her own eyes. She’s stopped asking if we’ll reconnect and seems now content with our now fresh and untarnished relationship, that doesn’t include a load of negativity, meanness and trauma. I quite literally do not have issues with anyone else, it’s her that’s the common denominator, and I’m at peace with my decision. As long as you know truly in your mind that going NC is justified and you can keep it up, then go for it. She is not more important than you.

I didn't see or speak to my oafish elder brother for about 15 years. I only see him now if he fetches up when I visit our parents. We have nothing in common except blood ties, he's nothing like me or our younger brother, I don't like him and he's an oaf.

Yes as Regina said, don’t badmouth her to them. State your reasons, and be very sure and clear, then do it. Don’t put them in a place where they have to choose, just say you understand their position, but this has to be yours.

Everytime I tried to explain my feelings about my brother to my parents, they would minimise and drag out the old lines of "its just what siblings do", "Its just how he is". "You are being over sensitive".

So I went NC and got a lot of crap from my parents.

It only got better once my parents realised that he is in fact not a particularly nice person.

I waited until my parents died before going NC with my heroin addict sister and her loser partner.
In that time I was able to stop them from clearing out my dad's bank account while he was in hospital.
I played the game and watched their behaviour and pretended I cared about them.
Remember your parents will get older and it sounds like you're the one who will be picking up the pieces.
Could you bear to be civil to her and bide your time?

From a different perspective - my DC had a serious falling out as teens.
I decided very quickly to not take sides, and to not get involved. I maintained a good relationship with both of them. It meant certain subjects were never up for discussion.
This went on for many years. If I had taken sides I could have lost either, or both of them.
Things have now changed. One of the big problems is not a problem anymore. Now they have started a different relationship with each other. They even have some contact, they can all attend family get togethers, and do birthday cards, presents.
However my situation is not the same as yours, I do not think your parents are helping your DSis.
Do your DP's visit you ? Can you ask them what they see as your Sis's future ? There is no way I could cope with living with an adult junkie DC, and I'm nowhere near 70

Sorry I should have also added I never tried - and still don't, to make them get on, or have contact with each other

You can't. It will just add another layer of misery to their situation

The only time I have contact with my brother is when he brings Mum to visit me, or when she's ill in hospital.

Mum understands my reasons and is fine with it now. She has a moan about him sometimes (he's been living with her since our dad died, who he was living with, he's never lived on his own) but other than that, we don't talk about him.

When I do have to speak to him, I keep it civil.

If you want to see your parents, you'll just have to meet them at your place, or out somewhere, and ask them not to talk to you about your sister.

I’m NC with my sister and have a good relationship with my mum (who understands why). My relationship with my dad is ok but I know he thinks I’m a bitch for my decision. When we were younger and my sister was at home, it did impact my relationship with my mum, as I felt forced out. But when my sister moved out, things improved

Your situation is so similar to mine that it's frightening. I've been nc with my brother for 2 months now. My mum says she understands why and is okish about it (although she still thinks I should agree to meals in restaurants as he's hardly ever raging and abusive in public). My dad was very upset at first and refused to come and visit us for the first 8 weeks - last weekend though he did agree to come over for a meal so may be accepting the situation. But he's certainly not happy about it.

Ultimately though Ive had 25 years of periodic abuse and them minimising (they get abuse too) and Ive had enough. And he's not having contact with my kids.

Maybe you could try what I'm doing which is a 'soft' NC. I.e. I'm just being totally unavailable to speak to and if a family situation arises I attend but ensure I don't spend any time with my sister who, like yours, is utterly toxic. I've never told my parents I'm specifically No Contact because in my experience they have fence sat for so long and tried to keep the boat steady that they'd just decide it was me being unreasonable. They know though. It's just not mentioned - I gave up trying to get any kind of support from them about her behaviour years ago.

Luckily for me my sister is a coward who once she realised I had had enough has basically left me alone. Which is fine by me.

Would this work for you at all? Basically not making a big declaration of NC to your sister or parents but just gradually freezing her out?

(also btw the whole 'not taking sides' is the reason I'm in therapy, because it totally invalidated my experiences of my sister's abuse so I was in denail for many years about it.)

Never managed to go totally Mac as my mother worships my brother. I have, however managed to be very low contact and try to treat him as someone else’s brother. It’s the only way I can be civil.

Is there any chance you could get your sister to speak to someone who has expertise in addiction?

They may not know they’re doing it, but it sounds like they are enabling her. She will feel like she doesn’t have to give up drugs because they always rescue her and sort it out.

They need to ask her to move out, maybe help her find a place. If someone could get through to your parents that their help is ultimately harming her it might get through to her.

Yes I have
It took 3 years
Plus I am parent to their grand kids so they were very incentivised to want me in their life, plus they love me
It hasn’t been easy and we have had to make my sister a banned topic
I have also not used the words no contact or implied it’s forever just taken a step back for now until she is better

I m also not nasty about her.

That’s really good advice from Slithy. Keep it neutral and factual when explaining and when going forward resist the urge to slag her off. Banning the topic is a good idea.

I am very low contact with my sibling, we did go months without speaking but now we speak when we happen to meet at my parents, there is no contact otherwise. I don't like him or his wife but i am very civil, polite even when we meet. I try to remember not to say bad things about him but he treats my parents so badly at times it is really hard. I know my parents hate it but understand to an extent, they know what he is like but as parents feel they have no choice but to put up with him, I don't have to put up with him. It can be hard but it can be done, I told my mother I would always be civil which I think helped, maybe it helped her pretend it wasn't happening

Yes. I told them that if I had to see B (there’s is no D about him) that I would never see them again.

That was 15 years ago and I’ve not seen him since, nor will I ever again.

He is a violent, abusive, narcissistic, psychopath who I want nowhere near my children or self.

Thank you so much. Your replies have really helped me get my head around this. I think it would hurt my parents too much to go completely NC so low contact is probably the best way. It's so hard with her living with them as she tags on to everything we do. If we have them here for a meal, etc she comes too as it is assumed she's invited. We have just started considering going away next Christmas just to avoid the situation. But then my DC miss out on spending time with my DParents. I totally agree that they are enabling her and have told them this, but they just will not stop forgiving and rescuing her. She has had rehab by the way, but walked out before she completed it. She blamed the centre and D parents believed it was the rahab centres approach. not dsis at fault. I just dispare.

On the occasions when you have to see her, can you look for the humanity in her? Is she all bad? Any redeeming qualities.
You don't say what drugs she takes but if it's mainly heroin, then it's a drug of self pity and uselessness.
If she's not stealing or scrounging off you, can you try and change your mindset for your own peace of mind?

I think it will only work if your parents are able to accept your decision. For that, they have to realise that it's for YOUR good, not to hurt them.

I went LC with my older sister over 20 years ago, and fortunately for me didn't have to suffer much interference in my choice as she lives overseas. However, I still had our Mum "sharing" news between us, and she visited five or six times over that 20 year period. Now that Mum has gone, younger sister appears to be doing the same thing, despite a barrage of abuse and hostility directed to me by OS when our Mum died. I was absolutely hammered by her in all kinds of ways, and the others just sat and watched it.

I think family will always test the boundaries, and you have to be firm with your own boundaries, if you choose to follow this route. Family will try all kinds of tactics to get things "back to normal", and it's tough to keep your defences up. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I went NC with the whole lot of them.

What you are propising is what we did for many years. All I'll say is be prepared for there to come a crunch point in the future. Ours was when our kids grew big enough to finally realise what was going on and us not wanting them to view the toxic, enabling relationship bw my parents and brother as normal - so many unhealrhy messages about "forgetting" abuse and "forgiving" an individual who was doing such damage to you. Be aware also that your parents ability to deal with your dsis (both financially and emotionally) is likely to dcrease with age and then they'll be wanting/needing/expecting you to step up, not just to support them but to take over rescuing her.