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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL favouritism?

59 replies

Boldlygo · 14/06/2018 15:41

Name changed as possibly revealing. I'm a bit fed up and hurt by my MIL's behaviour and just want a rant really...

DH and I had our first baby a few months ago, a DD who we are, of course, madly in love with. This isn't first grandchild for MIL as my DH's sister also has a little girl, who is 1. Just to point out something I think is relevant, even if it's disappointing that it is - We live about 40 minutes away from MIL, whereas DH's sister only lives about 5 minutes away, so I appreciate due to geography she does see her other granddaughter a lot more often.

Since our little one has been born, DH and I have been irked by what we consider to be MIL playing favourites with her other granddaughter. Since our DD has been born, she's only come to see her once, which was when she was on the way back from a shopping trip away (and the town we live in happened to be on the route back home). She was here for about an hour, tops. She doesn't ask after our DD whenever we speak to her and has very little interest in how she's getting on. She constantly posts about her other granddaughter on her social media pages, shares lots of photos and historically has always written gushy statuses about what she's heard she's done today (smiled for the first time etc). My DH has been hurt that our DD hasn't even warranted the sharing of one photo, not even the first time she met her when DD was born. I tried to brush it off at the time, more so because DD was a newborn then and I had enough to think about!

Now I think this is very much a "straw that broke the camels back thing" but... Today, I noticed that my SIL shared photos of my niece meeting my DD on her social media pages. Under every single one, my MIL has commented about how cute my niece looks and not even made a passing mention of our DD. Then, under a photo of the two of them with my SIL's caption "So lovely to see (DD's name) today", MIL has actually commented "AND (OTHER GRANDDAUGHTER'S NAME)!".

This was from a good few weeks ago and I've only just seen it, so would be weird if I commented now, but I'm feeling pretty stung by it to be honest. It's entirely possible I'm being a protective mother bear about it but I just feel like this is already setting the tone for MIL blatantly playing favourites (in a way that is noticeable) for the years ahead. DH is really angry with his mother but doesn't want to say anything, as he feels that then if she makes more of a fuss and an effort that it will be insincere, which I understand. But we're still sad about it.

Anyway, rant over. Just feeling pretty disappointed and wish MIL wasn't so blatant about it. I appreciate that she probably sees our niece a lot more and that has an impact but meh :( does anyone else have a similar situation? How do you handle it if your DD/DS isn't the grandparents' favourite?!

OP posts:

DuchyDuke · 14/06/2018 15:53

If you haven’t gotten her involved with the baby, going to hers, DH driving her up to yours when she can’t come herself, then what do you expect? Need to make an effort for her to reciprocate, and even then your child will never compare to her own daughter’s child.

brassbrass · 14/06/2018 16:39

Why is her son's child any less than her daughter's? Do sons not deserve the same input? What a strange attitude. I say that as a mother of sons. Quite frankly if your MIL has an issue best to set expectations from the beginning. Why pussyfoot around? Your DH should tell her how obvious her attitude is and that if she wants a relationship with you all she needs to start considering everyone's feelings and future relationships.

She may feel she has some power now to snub you (is there a back story?) but remember she will only get older and will reap what she sows in time. In the meantime don't waste energy feeling hurt, fill your DD's life with other people who are invested in her.

My MIL did similar but now bitterly regrets her actions when she sees my DC as they have zero interest in her. She is desperate for company but the DD she favoured lives in another country so can't supply MIL with the attention she craves. Shame that.

Original poster

Boldlygo · 14/06/2018 16:42

DuchyDuke, we have offered to drive up to her several times. Always some reason or other that she isn't available, which is fine (she has a life of course) but also means there's not much else we can do. We phone quite often as well. Do we have to do all the chasing then? I'm also a bit confused how you figure that "obviously" the other granddaughter would be favourite simply because it's her daughter's... my daughter is her son's child? Her son. Genuinely puzzled why you think it would be any different. But thanks.

OP posts:

DuchyDuke · 14/06/2018 16:44

Because generally (outside of specific cultures) daughters involve their mums in the raising of children not their mils especially if they are local, so they have a completely different relationship.

Hoppinggreen · 14/06/2018 16:47

You are just going to have to get used to it
We live a similar distance as you from mil while sil lives 5 minutes away. Any visits, holidays etc have to revolve around sils children and recently when we tried to arrange for mil to spend time with our dc she invited sils children. When DH and I gently suggested that just this once it might be nice for her to come out to lunch with just us and we could meet the rest of the family later it caused an epic shitstorm with sil being “distraught “ and mil shouting at me and listing all my personal failings ( not DH as he’s blameless apparently). Anyway, I’m now NC with the lot of them but they don’t think they did anything wrong
The main thing here is that my dc are now 13 and 9 and have realised themselves where they come in the pecking order and mil is reaping what she sows as they aren’t particularly interested in her either and your dc will probably be the same when they are older. Plus mil gets to control sil and her family whereas she can’t with us
I know which position I would rather be in
Don’t fight it OP, you can’t win, just get on with your own lives and be happy in your little unit

Original poster

Boldlygo · 14/06/2018 16:47

No back story really other than my DH moved away from his home town @brassbrass. We did actually live a few hours away for 5 years and moved closer again 2 years ago when my husband got a new job. Maybe the distance for those years though has had an impact? It's a good point as I hadn't thought about it like that.

That's a shame about your MIL being that way and it's unfortunate that now she's in a situation where your children just don't have that bond with her, but I completely understand it.

I may have to gentle encourage my DH to talk to her. He was pretty angry about it earlier so probably best not to leave it stewing and actually take the bull by the horns so to speak.

OP posts:

FASH84 · 14/06/2018 16:49

@DuchyDuke

Because generally (outside of specific cultures) daughters involve their mums in the raising of children not their mils especially if they are local, so they have a completely different relationship.

Absolute nonsense my parents are incredibly close to DN, my brother's daughter and see her more than SILs parents. This is not a 'cultural thing' . A grandchild is a grandchild.

Original poster

Boldlygo · 14/06/2018 16:51

So sorry @Hoppinggreen, that sounds so frustrating for you. But like you said, it does seem to have the end result that actually DCs just don't have any interest. It's probably silly of us to get upset by it really, but DH did hope when we moved back to be closer to his hometown that DD would be able to have close ties to family nearby.

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/06/2018 16:58

even then your child will never compare to her own daughter’s child

What the absolute fuck?! So your son’s child will be less loved by you than your daughter’s?!

What a ridiculous and horrible statement. I have a dd and will have a ds in two weeks - I cannot imagine a single reason why I would ever love either of them or their potential offspring more than the other, especially not simply their sex!

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/06/2018 17:00

Sorry OP didn’t mean to get derailed. Your MIL is being ridiculous and I would have to have DH talk to her. Does she favour her dd over her ds?

I have heard from my aunt (psychologist) that there is a particular bonding phenomenon between GP’s and their first GC.

Original poster

Boldlygo · 14/06/2018 17:05

No worries at all @MyKingdomForBrie - I can certainly understand the first grandchild thing. At least far more than the daughter's grandchildren just generally not comparing to any grandchildren from a son

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/06/2018 17:08

I don't think it's favoritism as such. It's just that GPS are as a rule closer to their daughters children.

Poodles1980 · 14/06/2018 17:09

My mil sees her daughters child as more of a real grandchild than her sons child. Think she sees her daughters child as more of a blood relative then my child. I’m over it at this stage. People are weird

Natasha2 · 14/06/2018 17:18

Your MIL will naturally find it easier to relate to her daughter than to you, however, it is very unfair that she is showing such blatant favourtism. Your SIL living just 5 mins away is also another major factor and also that she had the first grandchild.

Unfortunately, you have none of those factors in your favour and there is nothing you can do to change that.

Your MIL seems strange that she thinks her behaviour is acceptable. Most people would make an effort to try and show that they didn't have favourties, but she seems oblivious. Does she have a problem with emotional intelligence?

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/06/2018 18:28

My MIL is completely obsessed with my DD (in a lovely way!) and definitely doesn’t feel any less of a connection due to dd being her son’s child..

Do you think speaking to her might help OP?

Daddystepdaddy · 14/06/2018 18:35

YANBU my mum (who would be the MIL) in this scenario saw both my DC's multiple times during their first few months and she lives 2.5 hours away!

4boysthatilove · 14/06/2018 18:37

I can sympathise, my MIL is very clear with who she favours out of the 3 children I have had with her son. Number 1 is the golden child and gets lavished with attention, ad hoc gifts etc, number 3 is next in line and number 2 well, she doesn't really give a monkey's about him. Has told me how naughty and horrible she thinks he is. I actually hate her but that's another story for another day. Instead I try and focus on the fact that I am going to be the best mil I can be, and love all my children and their off spring equally.

ItsOnlyAGameshow · 14/06/2018 18:38

Very similar situation here OP and it’s shit, you have my sympathies.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/06/2018 18:43

She is making it very obvious, and on Facebook, people will think that she only has one granddaughter, not two. When your dd grows older, she will start to notice. I know geography can be a problem, but it does not sound like she cares for her sons child, which is crap. I would withdraw from her, and give her loads of love, that her rubbish grandma won't matter.

LeighaJ · 14/06/2018 18:44

My MIL has been more involved with our daughter then my Mom has, even when my Mom visited for 2 weeks. MIL lives 2 hours away.

Boldlygo

Your MIL is a hag, unfortunately there's no cure for hag!

Aeroflotgirl · 14/06/2018 18:47

Watch out for birthdays, and Christmas for the favouritism. Apart from your dp confronting his mum, which I would do if it was my mum, these people never change. Just withdraw from her.

altiara · 14/06/2018 19:00

I’d get DH to talk to her when he’s less angry. To point out the disparity.
My MIL lives closer to her DD (but not round the corner) but still manages to maintain an excellent relationship with our DC. But clearly the difference is she wants to speak to her DS and Grandchildren weekly via FaceTime, we plan some holidays together and when we visit each other we’re there for the weekend or more. So a lot of effort from both sides. Whereas your MIL seems to have blocked you all out. I can’t now see what I’ve written at the top of my post but hoping your DH can make a difference

NewYearNewMe18 · 14/06/2018 19:11

Oddly similar conversation today with a West Indian colleague. She is the only girl with 6 brothers, her child is 'the favourite' (but not the only grandson) and her mother whispers its simply because they (the grandparents) can be assured this child is their blood line. You cant trust DILs apparently.

However it's quite natural for daughters to fall back to their mothers for advice and normally their relationship is solid, daughter will parent like mother etc. You are not going to look to outsiders (which is what the ILs are) for opinion and advice.

There will of course be a swath of anecdotal naysayers, but anecdotes don't mean that way is the usual way.

RoseWhiteTips · 14/06/2018 19:14

The woman is playing some passive aggressive game. Weird.

Singlenotsingle · 14/06/2018 19:15

I think the gp form a very close bond with the first dgc. Then the fact that you live quite a distance away but your SIL lives close enough to pop in. Topped by the fact that they are mother and daughter. Why don't you try inviting mil over, maybe on Sundays? Just to try and form a bond. What about your own mum? You haven't mentioned her...is she nearby?.

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