MIL favouritism?

[Boldlygo]

Name changed as possibly revealing. I'm a bit fed up and hurt by my MIL's behaviour and just want a rant really...

DH and I had our first baby a few months ago, a DD who we are, of course, madly in love with. This isn't first grandchild for MIL as my DH's sister also has a little girl, who is 1. Just to point out something I think is relevant, even if it's disappointing that it is - We live about 40 minutes away from MIL, whereas DH's sister only lives about 5 minutes away, so I appreciate due to geography she does see her other granddaughter a lot more often.

Since our little one has been born, DH and I have been irked by what we consider to be MIL playing favourites with her other granddaughter. Since our DD has been born, she's only come to see her once, which was when she was on the way back from a shopping trip away (and the town we live in happened to be on the route back home). She was here for about an hour, tops. She doesn't ask after our DD whenever we speak to her and has very little interest in how she's getting on. She constantly posts about her other granddaughter on her social media pages, shares lots of photos and historically has always written gushy statuses about what she's heard she's done today (smiled for the first time etc). My DH has been hurt that our DD hasn't even warranted the sharing of one photo, not even the first time she met her when DD was born. I tried to brush it off at the time, more so because DD was a newborn then and I had enough to think about!

Now I think this is very much a "straw that broke the camels back thing" but... Today, I noticed that my SIL shared photos of my niece meeting my DD on her social media pages. Under every single one, my MIL has commented about how cute my niece looks and not even made a passing mention of our DD. Then, under a photo of the two of them with my SIL's caption "So lovely to see (DD's name) today", MIL has actually commented "AND (OTHER GRANDDAUGHTER'S NAME)!".

This was from a good few weeks ago and I've only just seen it, so would be weird if I commented now, but I'm feeling pretty stung by it to be honest. It's entirely possible I'm being a protective mother bear about it but I just feel like this is already setting the tone for MIL blatantly playing favourites (in a way that is noticeable) for the years ahead. DH is really angry with his mother but doesn't want to say anything, as he feels that then if she makes more of a fuss and an effort that it will be insincere, which I understand. But we're still sad about it.

Anyway, rant over. Just feeling pretty disappointed and wish MIL wasn't so blatant about it. I appreciate that she probably sees our niece a lot more and that has an impact but meh :( does anyone else have a similar situation? How do you handle it if your DD/DS isn't the grandparents' favourite?!

It's not universal of course but I think a lot of grandmas are closer to their daughters' DC

I don't think location is the problem. PIL live 10 mins from us and 1.5 and 3 hrs from my SILs. They are far more of them than us and the eldest grandchild is by far the favourite although DIL nearest them has just had a girl so I expect she may become the Golden one.

My poor DD is an afterthought.

I'm not bothered though because they are batshit

They see not they are

Bloody autocorrect.

My own mother is abit like that - but I live in a different part of the UK to the rest of my family. I agree with another poster - and withdraw , and concentrate on your own little family unit

Hi Op, I totally sympathise - in fact I posted something along the same lines just a few weeks ago. My MIL is exactly the same with her daughter’s 2yo daughter. We have since been dropped and contact is now only a few times a year (at our insistence!). It doesn’t help matters that my SIL is so used to relying on her parents to parent her children for her! But I got flamed - from trolls and grandmothers alike - so 💐 if you get any viscious comments from people.

I honestly would try and have a calm quiet word if you can - maybe get dh to? Or what about mentioning it to your SIL if you have a good relationship with her? Otherwise your resentment will grow and the situation will become more apparent when your DD gets older. Really hope it sorts itself out for you. I know how upsetting it is. Good luck X

It's bonkers gender stereotypes at work....Child stuff and baby rearing is woman's so your mil assumes your dh will be less involved/care less than her dd. Since she knows you less well than her dd (and you are the mother so de facto the only proper parent) she is not establishing as strong a relationship with her gc's parent (forgetting that there are actually two of you)....in her head there will be loads of rules about what sons and daughters are like/will do... (And it seems by the posters she's not the only one)...

Yep, PIL favour SIL DC over ours. It's been pretty subtle over the years with various comments made and presents given, they think I haven't noticed my nephews often had twice the amount spent on them for example but I have. When telling FIL about our DC one day he replied (meaning SIL DC) "oh OURS do that!" OURS?!
SIL lives next door so maybe it's to be expected. So is the reciprocal care in old age though so I'll enjoy watching how that pans out.

That Facebook thing is super hurtful. And fucking ignorant.

In cases of blatant favouritism like yours I always hope that the snubbed DC and DGC let the ‘favoured’ family take over any caring responsibilities for the elderlies.

Similar situation OP. MIL hugely favours my SIL to my DH and that favouritism has carried on to our children. SIL's son is clearly favoured over my DS.

It did get to the stage a few months ago where I told her in no uncertain terms I wasn't going to put up with it any longer. She denied it was the case but has made a bigger effort since.

I wasnt at all fussed about falling out with her so my advice would be if you dont fear the fall out, definitely confront her. It has worked for me (though I know deep down she hasn't changed her view)

YANBU - but you'll have to get used to it. Similar situation with my family - but I'm so over it now (twas years ago).

I'd also come off fb if I was you - if you're seeing piccies like that and it's making you annoyed - couldn't you block her feed or something.

You have your DH and your DD - that's your family now - the good thing is - she'll have no say in how you look after your DD. My MIL did nothing with my DS but we just had to put up with it.

Yes - like Queen said - the Facebook thing is really hurtful. My MIL did that too - and that’s when I’d had enough and finally pointed it out to her. She said she didn’t realise how it must have felt from our situation. And she is really naive in using Facebook. Maybe yours is the same? She might not realise how it looks to you?

I’ve tried to rise above the favouritism now. They know how I feel and my Fil is actually trying to make a real concerted effort. We have started to Skype! My mil is still the same though...

Do you get much support from your parents? If so, then try and cherish them and their relationship with your DD instead. Hope it all works out for you OP x

@DuchyDuke

If you haven’t gotten her involved with the baby, going to hers, DH driving her up to yours when she can’t come herself, then what do you expect? Need to make an effort for her to reciprocate, and even then your child will never compare to her own daughter’s child

What a horrible, spiteful post. FFS !!!

@boldlygo

Your MIL sounds like a passive aggressive, manipulative, childish bully to be honest. What a vile way to behave, purposely pushing you and your kiddie out.

Your DH DOES need to have a word with her. She is being VERY nasty. What the fuck is her problem?

The distance will make a difference of course, and she is bound to see her daughter's kiddies more, but I know many people who have a bit of distance between them and the parents, and they and the kids maybe only see them once a month. But the relationship is still amazing, and they communicate on facebook, and chat on the phone in between visits etc.... You know, like NORMAL people.

As I said, what is her problem? Is she pissed coz you live a few miles away, and have a life away from her, and aren't at her beck and call or something?! Silly bint!

The hostile, passive aggressive MIL is causing this - and her behaviour on social media, (only commenting on the one child,) is pathetic and childish and nasty. I feel so sorry for you.

Your DH does need to pluck up the courage to have it out with her though. If he doesn't say something, then I don't know what else to suggest. (Could YOU talk to her maybe???)

And despite what some are saying; it's utter ROT that a women will always prefer her daughter's children to her son's. Stop chatting shite FFS!

OP - just thought - do you think it might just be that your DD is only a few months old and her other GC is a toddler - therefore she gets more from interacting with her? Some people are just not baby people! Mil may change once your DD starts walking and talking etc...

SIL lives next door so maybe it's to be expected. So is the reciprocal care in old age though so I'll enjoy watching how that pans out.

In our case the SIL has high tailed it to another country wants to be centre of MIL's attention in all other ways but conveniently can't help MIL in her old age. There are grand gestures from afar of course via Amazon 🙄 but nothing day to day practically that would make a difference to MIL's life. But karma is interesting!

Screen shot the FB post
Send it to MIL

Comment - I found this hurtful.

Wait

Thanks for all the replies everyone, I'm finding it surprising and also quite sad how common this is. Even if grandparents do have a favourite, you'd hope that they'd be a bit more subtle about it. It makes me sad to think that would be obvious to kids :(

Anyway, have been talking to DH about it this evening and he's decided that actually saying something about it is probably a good idea. I pointed out to him, as many of you mentioned, that her comments on the posts from my SIL we're really hurtful and most of all, just so unnecessary. He agrees and wants to talk to her, even if just so he doesn't hold on to the resentment and then feel annoyed he hasn't called her up on it. My MIL can be a little bit socially awkward but she isn't oblivious enough to see that it would be upsetting for us for her to make comments like that.

DH currently stringing together a message saying (so far)...
"Boldlygo and I noticed that you had made some comments on (SIL's) photos from a few weeks back. We're quite hurt by them and we're not entirely sure why you felt the need to do that? We of course want you to have a good relationship with (DD) and so far we feel that you've been very disinterested, in comparison to (other granddaughter), which is a real shame." He's decided to sleep on it and add/take stuff out tomorrow morning. Does that sort of sound on the right track though?

Much as I really want my DD to have a loving and close relationship with her Grandma, I honestly wonder if it'll make much difference. But, as many of you said, I'll focus on our little unit and try not to let it get to me.

Oh and in answer to someone's question earlier - my mum lives a 3 hour drive away (along with most of my family) and, similarly, also has my sister and her kids 15 minutes away. In comparison though, my mum has been very different - has made a point to visit at least once every 2 weeks and has been so eager to see my DD, even though, again, it isn't her first grandchild. I guess her enthusiasm has made my MIL's lack thereof even more obvious, especially to my DH who has been quite gutted about his mum's behaviour.

Forgot to add, I've suggested to DH he takes out "in comparison to (other granddaughter)" bit in his message, as that seems quite self explanatory without hitting it home like that, and also offering an olive branch by suggesting she come for a day out with us somewhere or something similar. He feeling a bit like he doesn't want to do the latter because he wants an apology first.

My MIL (well we're not married, so not technically MIL) has seen her son's any my DD weekly since she was born, and she lives 2.5 hours away!

I'd just pull away and leave her to it, any effort she makes after an argument will be just due to that, so you'll know she doesn't really mean it

Good op, best this is nipped in the bud now, there is no excuse for her behaviour, it starts early on with things like this and builds up as the child gets older. If after your dh talk with his mum, she still treats her other gc more favourably, I would withdraw from her, your child does not need to feel like they are second or third best.

I think the most sensible thing to do is to point it out to her and see what she says. Your message sounds very calm and inoffensive so it will be interesting to see how she responds.

Op- yes - I agree, saying something is the best way. She needs to be made aware of her behaviour. I note you said your own mum lives a way away and yet still manages to make the effort. Mine too. I guess this is what hurts. I also have a sister and my parents manage to treat both of our children the same. Shame about our in laws- eh! Please do update us on the situation once you have spoken to mil...

I feel for you as my mil is exactly the same. Dh has 2 sisters and they have 2 & 3 children....we have 4 incl 3 little girls...mil will actually turn her back on my girls, 6 & 3.5 to fawn over dniece who is almost 5...they even brought dniece to our house uninvited (they see her at least 3 times a week) when they were meant to be seeing our kids for the first time in 3 months! We live 15 mins away from them. Dniece 8 minutes...

I feel so sorry for dh and our dcs...but I don’t think it’ll ever change. Such a pity as we live abroad and so our kids only see my dps once or maybe twice a year...my parents dote on all 9 of their grandchildren...

Btw my relationship with mil is fine but she gets angry if dh or anyone else brings this up...

This sounds like my mother in law. She constantly favours my sister in laws girls over my boys. I genuinely think she’s got an issue with boys because she favoured her daughter over my husband too. Tell her to do one before your little girl starts noticing and feeling pushes out.

Need to make an effort for her to reciprocate, and even then your child will never compare to her own daughter’s child

WTF? OP's child is her son's own child!