Why did you love your mum?

[MigraineMonday]

I had a tough relationship with my mother. Looking back I can see she was very young and in very difficult circumstances when she had me, so didn't have much of herself to give. Even now, whilst I 'love' her, I never miss her, we're not friends and I feel a bit anxious around her.

I've generally made my peace with it, but as DD4 gets older I can't get the fear out of my mind that one day she'll dislike me. I'm very affectionate with her, tell her all the traits which make her special and try very hard to not be contRolling or judge, whilst still looking out for her. What made you love your mum? I've heard people call their mums their 'best friends', did they ever discipline or correct you? How does it work?

Mum never tried to be my friend. I miss her every day.

It sounds like you're already doing a great job - self-awareness is key!

I didn't actually have the easiest relationship with my mum growing up, but we are very close now. I think that the things she did right were to make sure I knew nothing I could do would ever be so bad that I couldn't go to her for help. She would say that often. She would also really support my interests - if I was keen on a project she would help me, and she was enthusiastic about what I cared about.

The thing that made it difficult was that she would never, ever apologise - even when she had behaved badly or been very unfair or acted unkindly. I would have forgiven her all those things in a heartbeat if she had said sorry but she never did. So I had to learn to accept apologies that I didn't receive - which took time!

Mum is still one of my best friends. We have a very honest, trusting relationship and always have. Yes she disciplined me, but our relationship was such that she didn’t really need to. As a teenager I told her (almost) everything, she never had to tell me off for lying to her because I never felt like I had to. In my life I can think of 2 occasions where I was somewhere other than where I’d told my mum I was. It wasn’t that I was a super good child, she was just relaxed. If I was staying at a boys house she knew about it, if I was in trouble I’d call her. I’d still call her. I hope I have the same relationship with my children.

I don't have a good relationship with my mum, but I would consider my maternal grandmother to have replaced that, if that makes sense.

I love her because she makes it so obvious that she cares about me, when I was growing up she was way more protective than my mum which was annoying at the time but now I know she just cared about me. She encourages me with my passions and is honest when she thinks something is a bad idea. Even now, she is interested in my life, my hobbies and my cats. I would definetely consider her one of my best friends and I don't know what I'll do when she passes. To me, she is the definition of unconditional love.

My Mum was my friend, my ally, my confidant. She was funny and kind and fiercely loyal. She was very young when she had me, spent many years as a single parent, but didn't always get it right, but she was human after all! She gave me her time, energy and support. I knew I was loved. She died a few years ago and I miss her very much.

Oh and I can speak to her about anything without feeling judged and she's the first person I call when I'm feeling down.

I love my mum. She's not my best friend and she drives me round the bend (I am sure that's mutual).

The reason I love her is because I just do - and I just do I think because she was very affectionate with me, told me all the traits which made me special and tried very hard to not be contRolling or judge, whilst still looking out for me. (though she was not always successful at this .

You'll be grand OP.

My mum always did discipline me , I always knew she was my mother first not friend and felt protected by her, I also always knew how much she cared and loved for me , she was very affectionate and told me and my brother she loved us ,as I got older she was always honest with me about her experiences and mistakes in life, so we have always been close and can chat easily for hours, even now she stays round my house for weekends often.

She never treated me as her equal growing up, I had very clear boundaries, (not allowed to open letters sent home from school if they were addressed to her or even 'parents of germantree', not allowed in her bedroom without permission etc) and consequences if I did. If I said she was my best friend she would laugh and say that it was a sweet thing to say but not true because I should have friends my own age and she would rather be my mother than my friend because mothers were for life but friends come and go.
She told me she loved me every day (still does), she would spontaneously give me kisses or hugs, she read to me every night when I was little and respected my privacy as I got older and withdrew from her as I turned into a teenager. And then when I grew up and realised how much I appreciated her and was sorry for my generally mardy teenage self she was ready and waiting to forgive and forget.

Think I might go and give her a call.

I just wanted to reassure you a bit - my mum once told me that she had this fear. She had a terrible relationship with her mum, and her mum had a terrible relationship with her own mum (my great grandmother). Mum sometimes feared that this was almost an inevitable pattern that would repeat. It wasn't. We are very close, adore each other, and as adults we are friends. It is in no way a given that you'll recreate your own relationship with your mother with her - and it seems to me that being thoughtful about how to break that pattern, as you are being, is a huge amount of the process of doing so.

Oh and to add my mum was far from perfect she admits as everyone does she made mistakes as a mother , she even suffered with alcohol addiction for many years , but despite this I was already very secure in our mother/daughter relationship , so there have been bad times but the foundations from a young age were already there and thank god she fought her demons and I am so proud of her for that.

yeah im similar in that i do love my mum... but im not sure that if she werent my mother I would even be friends with her...
We dont really have much to talk about when alone together... very very different people.
Our relationship was quite bad when I was growing up but is much better now as I am able to understand and sympathise with some of her behaviour.
As a mother myself I can now understand some of the pressure she was under and how it may have effected her. She had a very tough childhood herself and a truly awful mother herself.

The thing I tell myself is to look at the bigger picture. We sadly arent close or have much in common and shes done some very questionable things in regards to raising me..... but at the end of the day I know she does love me in the way that she is able, and I love her in the way that I am able.
There are good things about her and things that she has done to support me and express love and so I focus on those.

I am expecting a daughter at the moment and I have the same worries as you about difficulties bonding.
I think to myself though that even if you and your daughter end up being very very different to each other... as long as you love her and support her you cant go far wrong and she will see that in the end.
I think a lot of mums and daughters can have strained relationships at some point... im not sure why that is exactly?
When I think about it I think it may have something to do with the pressures and stresses of motherhood.... things that alter you but that a child would not understand. I often find myself feeling like something less of a person now I have young kids... just subtly and in comparison to my husband who still seems to be 'fun'
When I look back at my relationship with my mum I realise a lot of her strange behaviour was down to anxiety about being a certain type of mother and being seen to do the right things even if it were against her better judgement or her nature..... and that made her come across as very remote emotionally and strangely fake..... I never really knew or understood her as a woman/person

I didn't/don't. She's a cunt.

My mother did not do discipline and massively over-compensated for her strict upbringing. She is not, and has never been my best friend. If she were not my mother, I doubt we'd be friends at all. I am anxious around her with a very mild kind of PTSD. We are very different people and though we've come to a kind of understanding now (I'm in my mid-40s), it's never easy.

All of which is to say, don't overthink it with your own children. Love them the best you can. Discipline them when you think they need it. You'll mess up, like every parent ever, but do your best to make sure they always know you love them no matter what.

Your mums all sound lovely. 😍 I feel a bit teary reading this. I hope I can be as good as this for DD.

My Mum was very strict and had very high standards. I adore her.

We always knew that we were her first priority, that she would always, always love us no matter what we did or mistakes we made.

She was a fun, interesting and creative Mum and she’s a fun, interesting and creative Grandma.

She’s not without her faults (who is?) but she is my wonderful Mum and I love her.

My mum never, not once, ever let me down. She's the only person I trust 100%. She isn't perfect, and has done a lot of questionable things, but I have never had any doubt she loved me unconditionally.

My Mum and I had a terrible relationship all my life, we just jarred each other and fought constantly. Then she was diagnosed with cancer and reality bit. We didn’t have time to be petty or muck about.
So we had one big clear-the-air blowout talk, all of it brought to a head. Tears, recriminations, apologies, all of it.

The following two years we were closer than I’d ever thought possible, all those years wasted because we’d been so sure we were right when in fact it was all fixable with a bit of humility and putting pride to one side.

She died a year ago next week and I am broken.

There is not right or wrong answer I am sure, but just because things are are certain way with you and your Mum, doesn't mean it'll follow for your and your daughter. You sound like you are doing a great job.

For me, it was that she never leaned too far one way or the other. I always knew I was loved and safe, but we were never spoilt, or allowed to think we were the centre of the universe. We were special to Mum and Dad, and the immediate family, of course, but not in the grand scheme of things.

I remember a key thing my Mum always said to me when I was a horrid kid... "I don't like you right now, but I will always love you." I can't describe her tone, but it struck a chord with me for sure, in a good way. I knew I could never lose her love and the safety she showed me, but that I had responsibilities within my family, and society in general, and I hadn't lived up to them at that moment (usually by behaving like a general little shit, rather than anything major major!)

Another key thing that worked for me was my Mum standing back and letting me make my own mistakes as I grew. I very rarely saw her cry, not until we lost my Grandmother a few years ago. But in one of our heart-to-hearts recently, she told me she had cried a fair few times, to herself, over seeing me go through things and learn my own way as a young adult. I reassured her she did EXACTLY the right thing for me... let me grow, learn and become an (I hope) rounded person, while still showing me I had her support and love.

She is 100% the Mum I would have liked to have been some day, but I didn't realise that until I was a teenager (probably even later because... you know... hormones and all!)

She's not my best friend, she's my mum.

I love her. She loves me and she makes sure I know that. She is often disappointed by me and makes sure I know that, too! She would kill or die for us if she thought she needed to. She drives me fucking insane and there are times a phone call with her leaves me in need of vodka and cigarettes. But she's my mum, she has never deliberately hurt me, and she has always loved me unconditionally (even when she hasn't liked me and the not liking has been made very clear).

My mum is definitely my best friend, along with DH. I know she loves me and only wants the best for me, she has done so much for me and still does and she is just awesome and fun to spend time with. Is she perfect? No, but pretty darn close to it. She's also a fantastic cook and I wish we didn't live in different countries because I miss her cooking (and her!) so much.
to everyone whose mother wasn't kind to them growing up.

My mum used to drive me crackers - without doubt within 30 mins of being in the same room we would bicker but she was my mum and I know that with every breath she loved me and my sisters unconditionally (we weren't the nicest of kids!).

I rhink it is just an unconditional think - I've admitted lots of times that I really didn't like one of my sisters to the point if hating her as a petson but I still loved her as a sister

letsallhaveanap thank you, that's exactly how I feel about my mum

Thank you everyone for the kind responses, I feel like I'm flying blind with my DD and your words are so reassuring. to everyone who's lost their mums or had a difficult relationship as well.

Because she's my mum. I don't like her though. She's very very hard to like and I can't tell her anything remotely personal or emotional or she goes into "why are you doing this to me" mode and has a tantrum.
I do love her and I'll miss her when she's not here because that's what you're supposed to do, isn't it?